The Cool Communicator: Getting Teens to Talk Without Pulling Teeth

By Jody Pawel ~

Parents often ask me how to get their children/teens to confide in them. Here are a few “starting” suggestions.

First, think like teens. When I do workshops with teens, I ask if they talk to their parents. Most groan and roll their eyes. I ask them to list their reasons for not wanting to talk. Here is one list, exactly as they wrote it:

•   Afraid will use against us.

•   Don’t want them to get mad at me for what I feel or did.

•   If we open up, they will interrupt us and preach.

•   Keep bringing up the past.

•   They try to make us learn from their mistakes, instead of letting us learn from our own.

Whether parents actually do any of these does not matter as much as the fact that many teens believe their parents will — so they don’t risk opening up.

So Rule #1 is to listen to the small stuff. This is how teens test whether they can trust parents with the big stuff. Put down what you are doing and give your full attention. Be present, really listen and, at least, nod your head.

Then — this is the important thing most of us don’t do — summarize what they told you and how you think they might be feeling about it. Do not give advice or ask “How does that make you feel?” Teens usually think, “Well if you’d been listening it would be obvious!” In words that are authentic to you, say something like, “You sound (feeling) because (summarize what) happened.”

If they think you don’t understand, they’ll clam up. If you show you are trying to understand but are off-base, they’ll often clarify by sharing more. If you are on the money, they’ll usually keep talking.

Now comes the tricky part. When teens open up, they may tell us things we don’t want to hear. We often shut down communication by getting upset, telling them what to do, or minimizing their issues by saying, “It’s not a big deal. Don’t let it get to you. Let it go.” It sounds so wise, but to teens their issues are a big deal and they don’t have much experience in “letting go.”

Parents, we must realize that if we invite our children to open up, we have to be ready to handle whatever comes out — and learn how to bite our tongues and not jump in. So what can we do?

The number-one most important skill all parents need to learn is how to ask helpful questions. I’m not talking about fact-finding questions that “grill” teens, but questions that “put the ball in the child’s court” and help children think for themselves. Here is an example:

Teen says: “Joey is such a jerk!”

Typical response: “That’s not a nice!”

Effective response: “Wow, you sound mad at Joey. What did he do?”

Teen says: “He called me a —— in front of my friends!”

Typical response: “Well don’t let it bother you.”

Effective response: “Jeez, that was hurtful and humiliating! What did you do?”

Listen – without judging. Decide if he needs to (a) just blow off steam or (b) find a solution. If (b), ask “So what can you do?” Listen to your child’s ideas, ask “what would happen if you did that?” and let them decide what to try. If they suggest an unhelpful idea, keep asking, “Then what would happen?” or ask a question that helps them think about something you think they need to consider.

Finally, remember three important points:

1.  The quality of the child’s solution is not as important as the process by which the child reached it.

2.   The only way children will learn to solve their own problems is with practice. Parents can be supportive and helpful by guiding their children/teens through this process without taking over.

3.   Some people are internal problem solvers. Encourage them to write down their feelings and ideas.

Get more information from Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE, second-generation parent educator, president of Parent’s Toolshop^® Consulting, parenting expert to the media worldwide, and author of 100+ practical parenting resources, including the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop at: http://expert.parentstoolshop.com.

The Cool Communicator: Five Tips to Curb Your Teen’s Cheating Ways

By Dr. Michael Hartnett  ~

As technology has evolved to provide a vast wealth of information at anytime, anywhere, cheating has never been easier. From classmates receiving completed homework via a mass Email to answers popping up on I-Phones during a test, cheating has become as simple as text messaging. Here are five ways to prevent your teenagers from falling to such temptation, assuring that they are attending school to learn rather than to learn how to cheat.

1. Check your child’s homework every night. This advice may sound a little intense and age inappropriate by the time your child is in high school, but how else can parents truly know what their teenager are doing at school and what he/she is actually learning? A good sign that a teenager is cheating is the absence of substantive work. Naturally, teenagers can claim that they didn’t have any homework, and while such a claim is possible, it is highly unlikely night after night. When students do not ever open textbooks or complete assignments from them, the parents should also be suspicious. Yes, teachers can give materials online or as attachments (and increasingly do so in this cyberage), but again the students should be able to show concretely how they have completed those assignments too.

2. Create a device-free zone of at least an hour a day for studying. This approach is particularly important to take during summer vacations and holidays. Most teenagers are so addicted to the Internet that their lives seem barren without being able to text message a friend or to check online constantly about anything or everything. Yes, students can multitask, but can they unitask with the intense concentration that is often required to do an assignment well? Any hour a day by themselves without connections to cyberspace or to their friends is an hour of studying and learning they have devoid of cheating. It gives a great opportunity to improve their concentration skills without distractions, so necessary to achieve well on standardized tests like the SAT and to be better prepared for the demands of college and the workplace.

Indeed an argument teenagers will make is that they need the internet/computer to complete whatever assignment is in front of them. Unfortunately, they are often right, especially given the fact that they will type up many of their assignments, so much so that a laptop almost becomes an appendage of the student. However, teenagers also greatly exaggerate their need for the computer and if you hold firm and fast to the one-hour rule, students will easily be able to fill that time with studying and still have enough time with use their various electronic devices to complete their assignments. In fact, they are more likely to allocate their time efficiently rather than dawdling in text-chats with their friends because they need to use the computer more as a workstation tool than an entertainment and social center.

3. Give your teenagers practice tests the day before an exam. If you know what they are studying and see from what materials they are studying, then you can determine whether they are truly engaged in the learning process. If their materials are sparse and generated from websites, then you know they are either cheating or performing poorly.

4. Talk to your teenagers honestly and realistically about cheating. That means you cannot be too self-righteous or judgmental about cheating. Acknowledge that cheating is prevalent, and understand that you are asking for your teenagers to be exceptional instead of conforming to a pervasive cheating culture. In other words, you will have to address some hard questions that every red-blooded American teenager will ask: “Mom and Dad, if I’m getting good grades and succeeding in school, what does it matter if I cheat? I’m learning how to succeed and thrive and isn’t that what school and life really about?” These questions become particularly challenging when your teenagers complain about learning subject material far removed from career interests: “How is reading Hamlet going to help me become a mechanical engineer?” Unfortunately, a cerebral response about developing critical thinking and analytical skills probably won’t cut it with your teenagers. Your best bet may well be to explain how skills in diverse fields make someone more adaptable and marketable. Explain how mental conditioning is similar to physical conditioning in that exercising the areas you are least interested in can increase strength and confidence overall, since by eliminating weaknesses.

Will your teenagers embrace this argument? Probably not, but at least they’ll better understand why you are committed to their learning rather than their cheating, why you are checking their homework every night, why you are taking away their computer an hour a night, and why you are giving them practice tests.

5. Avoid clichés. Do not tell your teenagers “You know if you cheat, you are only cheating yourself.” That’s a pretty abstract notion and when teenagers are getting A’s cheating, then the cliché seems even more obtuse. And I wouldn’t try “Cheaters never prosper.” The truth is they do prosper. Cheaters may be ignorant and morally corrupt, but your sons and daughters have seen too many do well in school.

However, most teenagers buy the argument that cheating will only get them so far. Ultimately, you have your own tough question to ask them: “What knowledge and skills will you have after you’re done cheating away your high school years?”

Dr. Michael Hartnett has been a high school English teacher, college professor, and SAT instructor/tutor for more than 20 years, He is the author of The Great SAT Swindle. For more information, please visit www.MichaelHartnett.net.

The Great SAT Swindle can be purchased from www.amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com and through all major booksellers.

The Cool Communicator: The Dos of Discipline ~ Twelve Rules for Getting Great Results With kids

If you’re tired of the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach after you’ve yelled at your child, you’re not alone. Author Kimberley Clayton Blaine says emotions matter more than you think—and she offers parents positive discipline alternatives that will yield great results over time.

Parenting is a tough and frustrating job. More than anything we want to help our kids grow into healthy, happy adults. Yet when they don’t behave the way we want them to, it’s all too easy to resort to tactics we’re not proud of. Yelling. Threatening. Spanking. We use these discipline techniques even though we feel bad afterward (and, obviously, so do our kids). And we stay stuck in our cycle of negativity because, quite frankly, we don’t know any good alternatives.

Parenting expert and author Kimberley Clayton Blaine says there are positive, effective discipline techniques out there—techniques that result in happy, well-rounded, well-behaved children. And best of all, they allow us to avoid the fighting, stress, and general feel-bad techniques we’ve resorted to in the past.

“There are better ways of teaching children to be cooperative,” explains Blaine, licensed family and child therapist, mother of two boys, and author of the new book The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children (Jossey-Bass/A Wiley Imprint, 2010, ISBN: 978-0-470-58497-2, $16.95, www.TheGoToMom.com). “Fear and aggression are not effective, and they don’t feel good to anyone.
“The true meaning of the word discipline is ‘to guide,’” she adds. “And guidance means teaching. When we punish our children, we often leave out the guidance, which means we don’t often get the results we are looking for.”

The alternative, says Blaine, is to employ a technique known as emotion coaching. It’s a gentle, open-hearted alternative to old-fashioned, often aggressive discipline that can be used with babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and young school-age children.

Ultimately, emotion coaching gives parents the know-how and the confidence to build strong, productive relationships with their children.

Blaine says that there are a few simple, feel-good strategies parents can employ to make their disciplining more effective. Read on for twelve tips you can use starting when your child is an infant.

Set limits and expectations all along the way. Parents often make the mistake of thinking that discipline starts once children are older—not babies. But Blaine says it’s a good idea to begin providing guidance and setting limits as early as infancy. This sets your child up for success—if she knows what the boundaries and expectations are from the beginning, then when she’s two you won’t be trying to undo all her bad habits or behaviors.

Don’t let your own issues affect your discipline. If you’ve had a bad day at work or are just plain exhausted, it can be much easier to operate on a short fuse and let even the tiniest things push you over the edge. Before you interact with or try to redirect your child, make sure that you aren’t letting your own personal anger or problems affect the way you react toward your child.

When your blood starts to boil, take a grown-up time-out. Blaine suggests that parents take a grown-up “cool-off” time when you find yourself too angry to deal with your child. Once you feel calm and collected, return to your child to address the situation at hand.

Keep communicating. The earlier you establish a healthy line of communication with your child, the more effective you will be in communicating discipline or behavioral changes to him. No matter what age your child may be, Blaine says, it’s important to keep communicating your thoughts and feelings with him.

Discuss your feelings about what you see. When our kids misbehave, we often neglect to tell them how their actions make us feel. But Blaine says that by explaining to your child that it makes mommy sad when she sees her children fighting or not sharing with one another, we help them to begin to understand the effect their behavior has on others, which in turn makes them more likely to react differently the next time.

Let children know that parents DO understand. Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings while setting limits. Let her know that you aren’t just handing down a punishment and you do realize that she is experiencing emotions, too. When she knows that she is being heard and understood, she is more likely to listen to what you have to say as well.

Give the child a good behavior to use in place of the bad one. Children can’t learn how we want them to behave unless we replace their bad behavior with the one we want to see or expect. When your child misbehaves, be sure to follow up your “We don’t run inside” with a helpful suggestion for what he can do—like “But we can run and jump and play all we want to outside. Would you like for me to go out and play with you?”

Redirect your child’s attention. If your little one is throwing a tantrum in the grocery store or having a meltdown over the toy her little brother just stole, then Blaine suggests redirecting her attention to another activity or train of thought. Have her help you on a “scavenger hunt” to complete your shopping list, or sit down with her in another room to play a game or read a book. Pulling her away from the situation at hand will help you both to calm down and move forward.

Do what you say you’re going to do every single time. Being a parent takes a lot of patience and sacrifice. And that means following through on discipline even when it’s inconvenient or unpopular. If the consequences you employ as discipline are merely empty threats, your child will know as much and the behavior will never change. If the consequence of continued bad behavior is leaving the fun birthday party, don’t just threaten it—leave the birthday party. It might feel awkward and be inconvenient, but the payoff will be a child who knows you mean business.

Make encouragement one of your top tools. Discipline doesn’t have to be only about the “don’t do thats” or the “because I said sos” (and it shouldn’t be!). Children love nothing more than to please their parents, and your encouragement is worth its weight in gold. Make sure you offer encouragement when your child follows through on a good behavior. If he knows you can be pleased, he will work hard to make it happen time and again!

Take some time to talk it out. If your child is over three years old, Blaine suggests having her sit with you and think about her actions; then ask her what she can do differently next time. Taking a “thinking time” or “cool-down time” helps her to become an active part of her discipline, so that it feels less like a commandment being handed down and more like a decision and effort she is a part of.

Brainstorm ideas for better behavior. While it may seem obvious to us how our kids should behave, it’s not always so black and white for the kids themselves. Blaine says that we as parents need to be vigilant about offering solutions and brainstorming ideas with our children—because there will be times when they may not know what to do and will need our guidance. Write down a list of behaviors that are a problem and brainstorm together how they can react differently, so they have solutions to choose from the next time those situations occur.

“Children learn good behavior by imitating good behavior,” Blaine concludes. “So at the end of the day, the most effective thing a parent can do to ensure that their children learn morals, values, and compassion is to make sure that they see those things in you—especially when it comes to your interactions with them.

“Like anything else in parenthood, positive discipline takes a lot of patience, and practice makes perfect. But the reward in the end is worth it,” she adds. “When you start seeing—and feeling—the results, you’ll be glad you took the high road.”

Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT, is the executive producer of the online parenting show www.TheGoToMom.TV and author of The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children and The Internet Mommy.  Kimberley is a national child development expert and a licensed family and child therapist specializing in working with children newborn to six years old. Kimberley is currently the social marketing director for a Los Angeles-based early childhood mental health campaign (Project ABC) funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. She has launched a national campaign to help American parents be all that they can be in order to give their children a healthy and fair start. You might have seen Kimberley review products, discuss the perils of parenting, blog, vlog, and take on mommypreneurship across the Internet.
Her webshow, TheGoToMom.TV, has captured one of the largest growing niche audiences—parents who have children birth to seven—through professionally produced yet authentic and real educational videos. Currently, Kimberley is sponsored by Vimeo and Sony and is a member of the Yahoo! Motherboard team of bloggers. Kimberley lives in Los Angeles, California, with her husband and two young boys.

About the Book:
The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children (Jossey-Bass/A Wiley Imprint, 2010, ISBN: 978-0-470-58497-2, $16.95, www.TheGoToMom.com) is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers.

Healthy, Fit & Fabulous: How to Survive the Holidays with Your Heart Health Intact

~ Photograph Copyright Jennifer Fenster ~

During the holidays we tend to throw caution to the wind, loosen our belts and let our waistline expand. Dr. Michael Fenster, MD, F.A.C.C., FSCA&I, PEMBA provides tips, advice and recipes to help us through the holidays.

The holidays are coming and with it visions of cookies, cakes and sugar plum fairies will dance in our head. We decide to forget all the good eating habits we have been following all year long and indulge. It’s only for a short time, we tell ourselves and we can surely take off any weight we gain in January. According to Dr. Michael Fenster, MD, interventionalcardiologist and chef, this is one of the worst things we can do. As a practicing cardiologist, Michael states that the highest number of heart attacks occurs during the holidays.  Couple this with the fact that 67 percent of Americans are either overweight or obese and you have a recipe for holiday disaster.

But fear not, Michael has put together some simple tips and advice to help us enjoy the holidays and stay healthy.

Dr. Michael Fenster’s Top 5 Smart Fall Holiday Eating Tips:
What to Avoid, Where to Indulge and When to Moderate

Avoid:

·         Pre-packaged “easy” or convenience items like heat and serve fried pies
·         Reformed and heavily processed items like a turkey loaf (often labeled as turkey breast) or “instant” mashed potatoes
·         Jarred and processed fruit offerings like apple or cranberry sauce
·         Jarred gravies or gravy packets
·         Pre-made stuffing

Indulge:

·         Winter squash and fresh root vegetables like sweet potatoes
·         Homemade fresh breads
·         Seasonal fresh fruit like apples and cranberries
·         Organic free range meat or poultry
·         Fall spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, mace and allspice (and many others).

Moderate:

·         Store bought cakes and breads
·         Fresh or frozen (but not organic or free range) meat and poultry
·         Fresh homemade gravies
·         Homemade stuffings
·         Chocolate desserts
·         And on the special days, remember, all things in moderation, even Moderation!

Michael also says to remember to get some exercise during the holidays. Moderate exercise has been shown to help suppress the appetite. Walking is one of the best and easiest forms of exercise. Even a short evening walk after dinner will help. And increase your intake of fresh dietary greens as well as other fresh fruits and veggies.

Healthy eating does not have to mean dull and boring. Add some spice to your meals this holiday season with two of Michael’s favorite heart healthy recipes:

South African Spiced Roast Pork Stew
12 Servings; serving size 12 oz
380 calories per serving, 12g total fat; 85 mg cholesterol; 32g total carbohydrate

Here is a cold weather favorite to add a little exotic spice to the usual roast pork stew and add something different to the usually holiday fare. The trimmed pork loin makes for a lean meat addition for this cool weather classic. The serving size is a hearty 12 ounces to fill the emptiest belly on a chilly autumn eve, but comes in at only 380 calories; an 8 ounce serving is only about 250 calories. The gelatin adds a velvety richness to the sauce without having to use demi-glace or other troublesome calorie and fat adding components. The South African 5 Spice Blend recipe can be found on our website (www.whatscookingwithdoc.com) but it is simply a combination of ground ginger, cumin, anise seed, coriander and cinnamon. This stew includes turmeric which has been revealed to be a powerful anti inflammatory and cancer fighting compound. The active complex in turmeric is curcumin. Turmeric has antibacterial and cancer fighting properties. It may also be helpful in preventing Alzheimer’s disease, depression and multiple sclerosis. It is a cyclooxygenase-2 (a type of enzyme involved in inflammation) inhibitor. Thus it is beneficial in arthritis and other inflammatory conditions. It may also aid in weight loss by increasing fat metabolism. Although the South African 5 Spice is obviously a continent away, it brings some familiar fall flavors of cinnamon and coriander. The addition of cumin, ground ginger and anise seed from the 5 spice add a sense of the exotic to an old comfort food friend.

·         4-5 pounds trimmed pork (I use the end cuts of the loin)
·         2 -3 tbsp olive oil
·         2 garlic cloves, minced
·         1 tbsp anchovy paste
·         1 tbsp tomato paste
·         1 tbsp Doc’s African 5 Spice
·         1 tbsp garam masala
·         1 tsp hot paprika
·         1 tsp sweet paprika
·         1 tsp turmeric
·         1 ½ cups thinly sliced onion
·         1 ½ cups carrots in ~ 1 inch chunks
·         ¼ cup AP flour
·         2 cups white wine
·         2 cups chicken stock
·          2 bay leaves
·         2 sprigs fresh thyme
·         2 sprigs fresh cilantro
·         1 pound potatoes, chopped into ~ 1 inch cubes
·         1 packet unflavored gelatin
·          ½ cups pearl onion
·         1 cup frozen peas
·         Salt and fresh ground pepper, to taste

Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F. Cut the pork into rough ~ 1 inch bits and set aside. Combine anchovy, garlic and tomato paste in a small bowl and set aside.

Using a Dutch oven or other heavy bottomed oven proof pot, heat the oil until smoking. Brown the pork in batches and remove. Add back the meat, the carrots and onions to the Dutch oven over medium heat. Cook until onions have softened, around 1-2 minutes.

Add the garlic, anchovy, and tomato paste mixture as well as the 5-spice, garam masala, paprika and turmeric and cook another 30 seconds. Add the flour, coating the components and cook another 30 seconds. Add the wine, and increase the heat to high and cook for about 2 minutes, or until the liquid has slightly thickened. Add the chicken stock. Add the bay leaves, thyme and cilantro and bring to a simmer. Transfer to the oven and cook for 90 minutes. Add the potatoes and cook for another 45 minutes.

While this is cooking, bloom 1 packet of unflavored gelatin in a separate bowl. After the potatoes have cooked for 45 minutes, remove from the oven and place over medium heat on the stovetop. Add the peas and pearl onions and cook for about 10-15 minutes. Increase the heat to high, add the gelatin and stir until dissolved, about 3-5 minutes.

Remove from heat, season with salt and pepper and serve.

Roast Butternut Squash with Pomegranate
12 servings; serving size 4 oz
120 calories per serving; 8g total fat; 10 mg cholesterol; 12g total carbohydrate

1 (1 1/2 pound) butternut squash, peeled seeded and rough chopped
3 tablespoons olive oil
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 Tbsp finely chopped shallot
1 Pomegranate, seeded
2 tbsp cream
2 tbsp butter
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Place the squash on a baking pan lined with parchment paper and drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast for 30 to 45 minutes until the squash is tender. Remove and allow the squash to cool.
When ready prepare, heat a medium saucepan with some olive oil over medium heat. Cook the shallots until soft, about 1-2 minutes. Add the squash and heat, allow it to gently mash into smaller chunks as you cook it, about another 8-12 minutes. Add the pomegranate seeds, cream and butter. Remove from heat, season and serve.

Copyright: Michael Fenster
Photograph Copyright Jennifer Fenster

ABOUT MICHAEL FENSTER, MD, F.A.C.C., FSCA&I, PEMBA
Michael Fenster combines his culinary talents and Asian philosophy with medical expertise, creating winning recipes for healthy eating. He is frequently asked to present live cooking demonstrations as well as giving numerous radio interviews on health and food shows both nationally and internationally. Michael is a certified wine professional and chef, receiving his culinary degree from Ashworth University where he graduated with honors. He has worked professionally in kitchens prior to entering medical school and maintained his passion for food and wine throughout his medical career.  Mike helped manage the award winning Napa Alley in Roanoke, Virginia, and hosted a local cable TV cooking show, “What’s Cookin’ with Doc” in Dublin, GA.  He has written columns for SheKnows.com, is a regular columnist for the culinary magazine Basil, as well as a member of their Council of Chefs and a monthly health and fitness contributor to The Tampa Tribune. He recently cooked up heart healthy fall soup on the nationally syndicated television show “Daytime.”

Michael Fenster, MD, is a Board Certified Interventional Cardiologist, currently on staff with the Cardiology Specialists of Florida at Hernando Heart Clinic. He has participated in numerous clinical trials and spoken nationally on a variety of cardiovascular topics to audiences ranging from lay public to peer presentations at the American Heart Association and American College of Cardiology meetings. He has also published numerous professional peer reviewed articles and served as an Assistant Professor of Medicine at North East Ohio University College of Medicine (NEOUCOM). Michael recently graduated summa cum laude from Auburn University’s Physician’s Executive MBA program.

Michael holds a JuDan (10th degree black belt) ranking in Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu, which he has studied over the last three decades. He lives in Spring Hill, Florida, with his wife Jennifer.

To see cooking demonstrations with Michael Fenster and more recipes, visit www.WhatsCookingWithDoc.com.

The Cool Communicator: Making a Frightful Family Holiday Fun

By Barbara Hayes ~

For many of us family holiday are about as much fun as invasive surgery. In fact, there is often an uncomfortable resemblance between the two; we may feel like we are being poked and prodded with metaphorical needles, tubes, or scalpels. After years of enduring these insults to our person, it is time to do something other than to sit there stoically, smile or sob sadly, or worse, become party to the proceedings by responding in kind. The last option usually results in a verbal (or worse) brawl, which is hardly anybody’s idea of a happy holiday.

Here are other options to consider in order to make your next holiday a happy one:

1.     Remember that it takes two to make a conflict. If your family member(s) like to tease, provoke, or put down others, there are effective ways to control this behavior. The first and simplest (if not the easiest) technique is to ignore their remarks by acting completely oblivious – never showing any sign of recognition or injury. This will eventually stop those remarks that are thoughtless and habitual, though not really vicious.

2.     If that doesn’t end the behavior, try to smile brightly and say, “Thank you” or “Okay” or something equally disarming. The message you are sending is: I know that you are trying to make me feel bad, but I won’t give you that power. They will get that message sooner (one hopes) rather than later and then look for someone else to victimize, since you are not giving them the reaction that they are looking for.

3.     If someone’s behavior is beyond petty putdowns and is actually abusive or bullying, then other steps need to be taken. First, it is important to consider what is provoking the abuser. If the person has gone through great difficulties – a job loss, an illness, the death of a loved one – naming the elephant in the room may defuse the bomber. By saying with genuine concern, “It must be hard to deal with ——–,” you may very well change the tone of their conversation from negative and nasty to kind and compassionate. Honest caring can open up flood gates of pent up frustration, sadness, anger, or grief. It can be stunning to see what a true act of kindness can bring about. Clearly, there is no guarantee that this will remedy the situation or will not backfire.

4.     If this approach does not bring about a change in attitude, then other tactics are needed. You still name the elephant, “I don’t understand why you say so many unkind/angry/bitter things, but you need to use gentler/kinder/constructive language if you’re going to make personal remarks.” This needs to be stated respectfully but firmly. If the situation is truly toxic, you should be prepared to state what you will do if that change does not occur, whether that is to terminate the evening early or the relationship permanently. This nuclear option also applies if your family/friends drink to excess or indulge in any other behaviors that are neither healthy nor tolerable to be around.

5.     If there are unpleasant issues that arise only intermittently during the holiday festivities, there may be simple ways to remove yourself temporarily from the scene. You can: go hang out in the room where the children are gathered for awhile; take a walk to get some fresh air and perspective; excuse yourself to lie down because you feel a headache coming on (which you may well); find one positive person to engage with so you can tune out the rest; take a few deep breaths and think, “This is just a bad soap opera on t.v. It doesn’t have anything to do with me. I can ignore it.” When you sense that the unpleasantness is over you can resurface and reengage.

So, go to the next holiday gathering with a new attitude: “I am going to have a lovely, calm holiday. I will not give anyone the power to make me feel bad. I love these people with all of their issues and idiosyncrasies; I am going to do everything that I can to let them know that. Only positive energy is going to come from me. I am grateful that I have family/friends to spend holidays with; many people are alone.”

Then smile as much as possible!! Research shows that there is a continuous loop between our facial expressions and our brain. When we smile our brain thinks that we feel happy which makes us smile more, which makes our brain think we are even happier, which…you get the idea. Even when it’s not easy to smile at first, just fake it until you make it! Which you will!

Use these techniques and make a commitment to yourself to have a Happy Holiday Season!

Barbara Hayes, MS, MFT, author of the new release, Beware of Dogs, is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She wrote this book to help women understand how to determine the difference between the petty issues that plague most relationships and the big red flags that the relationship is headed for disaster. In doing so, she incorporates both Western and Eastern psychological disciplines into her work.  Hayes attended University of California at Berkeley and Dominican University of California.  She is a proud mother, her ‘status’ is single and she currently lives in northern California.

Beware of Dogs: How to Avoid Dating Disasters is available for purchase as an eBook, hard cover and perfect bound soft back through Borders.com, Barnes and Noble.com and other book sellers.

The Cool Communicator: When Chronic Illness Strikes ~ 4 Tips on How to Talk to Family and Close Friends

By Toni Bernhard ~

In the summer of 2001, I was preparing to begin my 19th year on the faculty of U.C. Davis School of Law. Then I got sick with what the doctors initially thought was an acute viral infection. I have yet to recover.

Being diagnosed with a chronic illness or condition can take a toll on your relationships, partly because all of the affected parties are confused and scrambling to adjust to this drastic and unexpected change in the reality of your daily life. It’s a crisis – for you and for those who are close to you. For me, it was what I can only describe as a shock – not just to my body, but to my mind – as I was forced to trade a busy and satisfying professional career for the isolation of my bedroom. For my loved ones (which includes family and close friends), there was frustration over their inability to make me better. For all of us, there was denial about what was happening, uncertainty and fear about the future, and disappointment over the change in my ability to participate in activities with them.

Both you and your loved ones are likely to go through the four stages of grief that many erroneously believe only apply when a loved one dies: denial, anger, sadness, and then finally, acceptance. To complicate matters, they may not understand what you’re going through physically — for example, you have to be in pain to really know pain. As a result, they may underestimate the degree of your new limitations and may even question the validity of your diagnosis.

All of these stresses make communication more difficult. Here are four tips to help you communicate more skillfully with loved ones when chronic illness becomes an inescapable part of your life.

1. Get help from a neutral third party. Often the best way to educate family and close friends about your diagnosis is to use a third party source because it takes the emotional component out of the equation. A quick web search will yield a host of online organizations and associations devoted to your specific illness or condition. You can forward links or print out pages for them to read. If you have a book about your illness or condition, you can photocopy the chapters that cover what you’d like your loved ones to know about your new life. I did this for my close friends, attaching a short explanatory note to two chapters that I copied.

2. Write a letter. If loved ones are not being supportive even after you’ve tried to educate them about your illness or condition, write a letter to them. Ensure it is not an accusatory letter. As you write, use the word “I,” not the word “you.” Describe what your day-to-day life is like now, and express how you feel about this sudden and unexpected change to your life plan. A friend of mine who is chronically ill wrote a letter like this to her mother when, despite their many conversations about her new limitations, her mother persisted in saying things like: “If you’d just get up off the couch and go out and exercise, you’ll be fine.” The letter transformed their relationship and now her mother is one of her main sources of support.

3. Find non-illness related subjects to talk about. I was fortunate that my family and closest friends understood early on how sick I was. But I discovered over time that I still needed to learn how to talk to them, now as a person with a chronic illness. At first, I assumed they’d want to know everything about my illness. And so, after each visit to a new specialist, I’d send off a long email covering everything about the appointment in minute detail, medical jargon included. I’d get back a supportive sentence or two. It took several years for me to realize that my relationship with them would be more enjoyable and richer if I didn’t always talk about my illness. Now I ask about their lives and talk about new interests that I’ve developed. It provides all of us with a much needed respite from thinking about my illness all the time and it has also enriched my relationship with all of them.

4. In the end…accept their limitations. Some family and close friends may never accept this change in your life. In other words, they won’t get beyond those first three stages of grief. Try to recognize that this inability to accept you as you are now is about them, not you. Your medical condition may trigger their own fears about illness and mortality, or they may not be able to accept the changes that simply must be made to your day-to-day life as a result of your altered health. You can’t always fix how others think of you or treat you, but you can protect yourself from allowing their lack of understanding to exacerbate your symptoms. The best way to protect yourself is to cultivate compassion for them. If you can learn to wish them well despite their inability to support you, you can free yourself from the mental suffering that arises from your desire for them to be different than they are. The physical suffering that accompanies chronic illness is difficult enough without adding mental suffering to it.

Everyone, including yourself, needs time to let this life-changing circumstance sink in. With time and patience, you and your loved ones, at least most of them, can reach that last stage of grief – acceptance. Hopefully, these four tips will make the road to that acceptance a less stressful and bumpy one.

Until forced to retire due to illness, Bernhard spent 22 years as a university law professor in California, which included six years as a dean of students. She had a longstanding Buddhist practice and loved traveling. Forced to learn to live a new life with a chronic illness, Bernhard decided to embark on the difficult journey of writing her new book, How to Be Sick, in order to help others with chronic illness and disabling conditions. Bernhard currently resides in Davis, CA with her husband, Tony, and their hound dog, Rusty. She has two grown children and two granddaughters. For more information, please visit www.HowtoBeSick.com.

The Cool Communicator: Understanding The Incomprehensible ~ What do Men Want?

By Jacqueline Shaprow ~

They call us mysterious, but have you ever wondered what goes on within the minds of men? A casual discussion with a single male helped shed light on his interests, especially where it relates to women and relationships.

The following is an excerpt from an interview with a single male who has developed Grammy Award-Winning artists in his role as an Artists & Repertoire Executive, Producer, and Songwriter. He discusses what makes him most attracted to a woman, and what characteristics he would like his future fiancé and wife to possess.

Q. What do you do?

A. I work in A&R which is Artists and Repertoire…I do a number of things that are more than just studio sessions, like song writing and producing music.

Q. How old are you?

A. Mid-thirties.

Q. Have you been engaged before?

A. Never been engaged.

Q. How important is it that the women you marry earned a college degree?  And would it make you like a woman more if she had a graduate degree?

A. I feel like intellect is very important – especially if I plan on being serious with her. The woman I marry is going to spend a lot of time with our kids—and I feel like the more she knows, the better off my kids will be.

A college graduate would be great—and a graduate degree would be magnificent! At least then I would know that the mother of my children is an educated woman—and God forbid—if anything were to happen to me, then she could make intelligent decisions about how to proceed for the welfare of my kids.

Q. Is it important that a woman does domestic chores around your home?

A. I think that every man needs help at some point in his life, even when he says that he doesn’t. When a woman wants to come over and cook for you – that is amazing. It is nurturing. It helps your mental health and your physical health.

If I’m dating a woman and she comes to my house—and sees that something is wrong—and says, “You know what honey, I’m going to help you out, let me help you get things organized,” I think that’s a great thing to do!

Q. If a woman opens up her wallet on the first date and offers to pay, would you view this as a positive or as a negative?

A. If I asked you on a date— and said “let me take you out to dinner,” then I would like you to let me take you out to dinner.

Q. What do you expect out of marriage?

A. Happiness, absolute happiness.

Q. What are things that a woman could say, do, or wear on a first date that would make you want to ask her out on a second date?

A. If she had a pleasant smell—not necessarily an overpowering aroma, but something that was pleasant to the senses.

Q. What are things that a woman could say or do that are ‘date deal breakers’—I mean things that would absolutely make you not ask a woman out on a second date?

A. If she said “Well, my second husband used to…” – or if a woman has too many children.

Q. What’s too many children?

A. Any children that are not mine!

Q. Ok, how long do you think you should be in a relationship with a girl before she asks you to take it to the next level (i.e. move in together, get engaged, or get married)?

A. I think that if I’m dating someone and she feels a certain way about me, and she wants to say “You know what, what are we waiting for, why don’t we get married, you love me and I love you, and the hell with it”—that’s ok.  I love untraditional things!

Q. I know there’s no set formula, but how long would you say is appropriate?

A. I would say we should be dating for at least six months before I would like to have conversations about getting engaged or marriage.

Jacqueline Shaprow, J.D., earned a degree in Psychology from Yale University and has published articles in the Los Angeles Daily Journal, California Family Law Monthly, Awards Picks, Music Publications, and The Journal of Health Psychology (where her article ranked among the “50 Most Frequently Read Articles” in 2008 and 2009). Her writing has also been featured in a book by Kaplan Publications about the diversity of experiences among female lawyers and legal scholars in America. Her Psychology Study on Weight Stigma and Discrimination was published in a number of different languages and presented at the North American Association for the Study of Obesity. Her findings on Exercise Motivation and Behavior have been housed in University Libraries around the world, including the Ritsumeikan University in Japan and the Universidad de Madrid in Spain.