Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ “Help Me Not Live in Fear!”

Dear Dr V  ~

I’m not a religious person, and I’m not a crazy right or left winger either. But every time I look at the news I really do feel like the world’s coming to an end. When things really get bad (like what happened in Japan) I can obsess about it, but even when we’re all just kind of going along, it still seems like the sky is falling to me: people are out of work, environmental destruction, it seems like we’re always going to be at war, everything’s more expensive … I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to live my life in fear, but what can I do, it seems like there’s some very real things to be afraid of.

Allison

Dear Allison,

Wow. Believe me I can empathize on a very real level with you: I feel the same way myself when the latest horror show, real or manufactured, is paraded before us by the Media. No doubt the unfathomable tragedy still unfolding in Japan was a jarring reminder for all of us that we are truly here at the pleasure of the planet. It’s so easy to lose ourselves in the minutiae and routine of daily life and forget to look up at the heavens, out to the sea or even into our own hearts and remember what a delicate and singular gift existence on the earth truly is. How sad that it often takes such massive tragedy to remind us.

As far as the other things you mentioned, while certainly worthy of attention and action when possible, I think it’s worthwhile to remember who is bringing the messages to you and why. As I’ve said before, fear sells. Specifically, it sells ad time and generates ratings for cable news stations and other media outlets that stand to gain a buck by keeping you glued to the screen while they scare the shit out of you in between trying to convince you to buy a Sham-Wow or a blanket with sleeves. Because if you’re scared, you’ll sit through the commercials to get to the next terrifying segment on Y2K/SARS/Swine Flu/Terrorism/Etc. Pandemics and Terrorism are of course real potential threats, but if you consider the mania the media flies into whenever there’s even a kernel of fear to exploit, I think it’s pretty obvious most of the time they’re Crying Wolf. Only unlike the villagers in the story, we keep running every time. Strange that the actual disasters and tragedies are usually completely unpredictable (for most of us) and arrive out of nowhere.

Which brings me to my next point. In some ways, I do think our Civilization is nearing a point of Critical Mass. Stay with me here, the Dr. V Spring Wardrobe is not a sandwich board reading THE END IS NEAR. But, when you consider how many people there are in the world, how limited our resources are, and how unbalanced the access to those resources is (like water), it’s not hard to see that things can’t go on as they are indefinitely.

I think this is true on a spiritual level a well. Here in America, we seem to have gone into a coma of the soul. As I’ve also said many times before, Empathy is viewed as a liability, avarice and greed as character assets. We’ve allowed the same technology that literally puts the collected knowledge of humanity at our fingertips to turn us into a nation of Facebooking narcissists. This is also an unsustainable way of life, as it robs us of the wonderful human potential for love and compassion, which is only truly possible though actual person to person interaction.

I won’t paint an unrealistic picture for you, there are times when things get scary and there’s nothing we can do about it. Thankfully, those moments are the exception, rather than the rule. Unless you or someone you know has some incredible powers of clairvoyance, whatever waits behind the door of the future will always be conjecture and guesswork. The one thing you can be sure of is the kind of person you are and the life you lead. By remaining purposeful and positive in your actions and thoughts, you will be actively doing all you can to move us all towards a more positive kind of change. Of course there’s the mundane stuff like recycling, not wasting electricity, and blah blah blah. And it couldn’t hurt to prepare an emergency kit for the house, “just in case.” If there are particular circumstances that really frighten you, learn about them and how to deal with them (take a Wilderness Survival Course, you’ll be tougher than Rambo!). Information is the antidote to fear. But I think also if you can become purposeful and responsible within yourself, it will be a comfort to you when you find yourself worrying that the sky could be falling. Try to make empathy and gratitude centerpieces of your consciousness. Even something a simple as going to the supermarket could be a moment of reflection and gratefulness. “Wow. I got in my car, drove safely down the street to this place where I can get more food than I could ever want.” For millions of people we share the world with that is a luxury they will never know. To not rejoice in it is almost akin to wasting it.

Is the world ending? Probably not. Changing? Definitely, and changing in many ways. How gradual or sudden these changes may be I can’t say, or even exactly what many of them will be. And change isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, and I’m sure I’m not the only person to have said this, change is really the only constant factor throughout history.  Gandhi has an oft-repeated quote “We must become the change we want to see in the world.” Maybe it’s been bandied around so much it’s as meaningless to some as the poster on a guidance counselor’s wall, but I think it’s very true. Live your life in a way that honors your authentic self and respects the same in others, and no matter what happens as you move through life, you’ll have the comfort of knowing you’re a force for good, which is really the best anyone could hope for.

And for the cynical among us who would argue that the individual can’t make a difference by making positive changes to their lifestyle and worldview: How then can you account for the negative impact on our world caused by millions of individuals deliberately maintaining unsustainable lifestyles? The push back has to start somewhere. It’s easy to make an argument in favor of inertia when one is not in motion.

With Love and Light,

Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.

Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.

Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ Trusting the Fiancé with the Finances

Dear Dr V  ~

I’ve been engaged for about six months. Things are going OK – plans are being made for the wedding, excitement’s starting to build. But I’m also concerned. My fiancé wants us to merge our finances into one bank account (as of now we’ve got separate accounts at different banks). I’m not too keen on the idea. I think he’s very irresponsible when it comes to money and I worry about him having access to mine. Not that I think he’d steal it or anything, but he’s a pretty reckless spender and I’d hate for him to go on one of his binges and spend our rent and utilities money in the process. He says if we’re being married it means sharing our lives, and that includes finances. I don’t agree. What do you think?

Brandi

Dear Brandi,

The situation may not be as cut-and-dry as you perceive it to be. In fact, I can assure you that from where I’m sitting it seems anything but. I think you do voice some valid concerns and they certainly should be addressed, but at the same time your fiancé may also have some worthwhile points to consider. What I think is of equal, if not greater importance than resolving the apparent (and really superficial) issue here is that you two are able to work together to find that resolution. In many ways, you could consider this a practice run for how you both need to learn to work together in order to resolve differences (Unless you just want to shout at each other a lot, but I don’t recommend that. You’ll be miserable. And hoarse).

Regarding the immediate matter of the bank accounts, I of course understand your concern, and by no means should you put yourself in a position which could result in not being able to pay the bills or make rent. However, I hope you realize that it is far from an ideal situation in a marriage not to be able to trust each other, be it over finances or anything else. This feeling of mistrust could spread to infect other areas of your relationship, and I’m sure that’s something neither of you want. My hope is that you’ll be able to make gradual steps towards each other and meet in the middle.

“OK Dr V, that sounds fine. How about some concrete suggestions for things we can do?” I was just getting to that. For you, of course I would recommend having a few conversations with your fiancé about your feelings regarding his reckless spending. The difference between this and the other times you’ve talked about it hopefully being that you can approach the matter from a cool, neutral emotional zone, rather than a reactive one (which is what I assume has been going on between you guys, if this was enough of an issue for you to write in to me). While you can’t force a change in your fiancé’s spending habits, perhaps letting him know how upsetting his carelessness is to you could motivate him to try and make the necessary changes on his own.

I think this process could be helped along if you in turn were able to make a show of good faith and open the shared bank account. However, perhaps as an insurance policy of sorts, you could establish individual accounts linked to the main account for each of you, respectively. This way the core funds needed to get through the months (rent, bills, groceries, etc.) could be secure while you would each have your own separate “slush funds” to spend as you like.

Does that seem a bit like micromanaging, perhaps even a bit (gag), parental? (“Here’s your allowance, sweetie!”) Maybe. But this does not mean things will always be this way. A compromise such as this would allow you to have the shared account, give you the peace of mind that what’s needed would be there and, hopefully, give your fiancé a better idea of how much cash he’s blowing on ephemera every month when he sees how quickly the money dissipates.

Of course, the money and the accounts are just the surface issues. I think what’s really in play here are emotions related to trust and responsibility. For you, it’s a matter of learning to trust your fiancé to behave responsibly with money (provided he makes the effort to learn how to do that). And for your fiancé, I think he may need to expand and deepen his understanding of what his responsibilities to your shared home are. Meaning that, as you two now share the burden of the cost of living, it’s his responsibility as your husband and partner not to squander that which you need to sustain your home.

To boil it down to a succinct statement, you two have to learn how to be married to each other. Which makes sense, as it’s not something either of you have done yet (at least with each other…I’m assuming this is a maiden voyage into unknown territory for you both). That being said, go easy on yourselves and each other. Remember that neither of you are mind readers or perfect. Mistakes will be made, things won’t always go as planned. However, if you can maintain an open, empathetic and loving atmosphere in your relationship where everyone is respected and nobody is ever cast as victim or villain, you will very likely find that resolutions not just to this, but whatever other conflicts and challenges await on your shared path, are not as elusive or impossible to achieve as they might have first appeared.

With Love and Light,

Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.

Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.

Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ Why do I “Love Them and Leave Them?”

Dear Dr V ~

I need help figuring out what’s wrong with me. I’m just entering my third relationship in nine months, and I feel like it’s headed south, like the other ones. I bailed on my last two as well. I know there’s a pattern, but I don’t know what it means or how to stop it:  Basically I’ll obsessively crush on a girl for a few weeks, then we’ll start seeing each other. As soon as things start to “get real,” all of a sudden I lose all attraction to her and need to escape immediately. What does this mean? How do I stop? Is it me or them?

Ryan

Dear Ryan,

The phrase that comes to mind is “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.”  Meaning that I think you’ve already decided how any relationship you enter will end before it even begins. For whatever reason, it would appear that you are deliberately keeping yourself from moving farther into an intimate relationship than the introductory “honeymoon” period. The fact that you’re troubled by this and are seeking to remedy it definitely shows me you’re at core a decent guy, but I think it may behoove you to know that to your former partners (and from the sound of your letter, soon-to-be former partner), you may seem to be, to use a colloquialism, “A Playa lookin’ to hit it and quit it.”

Which I don’t think you are, so let’s take a look at this.

I realize you might bristle at me mentioning this, but have you considered you may have a fear of commitment, which really means to me, that you feel unworthy of love? This to me would seem to be the obvious cause of the behavior you mention. “Obsessively Crushing,” as you put it, unless I’m way off the mark here, may actually be more akin to constructing and living in a fantasy world. Here’s what I mean: during your “crush” period, I’m sure you work out all kinds of fantasies in your head about the girl of the moment (both the bedroom kind and others). So you build up this girl into some mythical being, something that the real person cannot possibly compare to: because ultimately that construct is a reflection of you, and what you are hoping this person will be, rather than whom this person really is. Once you’re together and the real girl doesn’t match up with the fantasy girl, you start to lose interest, or perhaps, unconsciously or otherwise, create a situation in the relationship that necessitates a parting of the ways, leaving you both unfulfilled. Then, after a certain amount of time, the cycle begins all over again.

Am I getting close?

I don’t think there’s anything “wrong” with you, or that you’re a bad guy or anything like that. I do believe that you may have some internal hang-ups that are pushing you to do this same dance over and over again. I would suggest some serious introspection on your part. What was your last real relationship like? Who was that person, what drew you to her? Very often, we select romantic partners for reasons we are on the surface completely unaware of. There could be some aspect of their behavior or personality that reminds us of something within ourselves we want to “fix.” So by creating (or more accurately, recreating) a certain situation via a relationship, we hope to give ourselves a shot at setting things right.

The truth about this of course is that whatever may be off-balance within us has to be set to right by deliberate and purposeful action, in other words, directly addressing the issue. This can often be a difficult and complex process; sometimes folks find that saddling up on Ye Olde Shrink’s Couch at these times can prove most helpful. Even just talking about your feelings with a friend, (or better yet if you’re comfortable with it, your partner) can be an enormous help.

Whatever your issues are, they are certainly activated now, as you mention you feel as if your current relationship is “going south.” So before you begin moving through the same rituals as before, putting yourself back in a space which I don’t think you desire to be, take a moment to pay attention to what’s going on inside. What are the feelings you’re experiencing? What’s changed between when you began the relationship and now that’s making you feel this way? What’s keeping you from discussing it with your partner?

However, it is also possible that you are also choosing mates that are likely to produce a certain situation. So also worth examining here are what your current girlfriend and your recent exes have in common, aside from their looks, sense of style, etc. What is it about their personalities, who they are as lovers, that links them?

The resolution to your problem most likely lies in the intersection of what we’ve discussed here: between what’s going on within you and whatever that certain common “Factor X” is between these women you’ve been with. Even if it really is best for you to move on from this current relationship, given what you’ve shared with me about your past, I suggest taking the time for serious reflection and genuine contemplation of any action before you take it.

I’ll close by applying the hack joke about adding “in bed” to the end of whatever a the message in a fortune cookie says to an overused cliché, not only because it’s appropriate, but because I can’t resist making a hack joke when the opportunity presents itself: Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it … in bed.

With Love and Light,

Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.

Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.

Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ The Responsible vs. the Spontaneous

Dear Dr. V  ~

Jen

Dear Jen,

I completely understand why that would be a frustrating situation for you, and I can empathize with your feeling of being perceived as “The Stick In The Mud.” This situation is not uncommon in relationships, and I do have some suggestions on how to, as you put it, “fix” things (although I’d rather think of it as “making adjustments”).

But before we get to that, I think it’s important for you to realize something:

For the most part, it’s best not to give a shit how other people may perceive your relationship.

That may sound a bit crass in it’s phrasing, but I think you’ll find it to be true. Because unless you are in some sort of abusive or incredibly dysfunctional situation where you are being harmed or may potentially be harmed, your relationship is your garden to tend, and really not anyone’s business but your own. More importantly, in all likelihood your friends don’t see things as you do; they don’t have the same awareness of the dynamics of your relationship as you do. So those moments you feel that you come across as a killjoy may not even register with your friends. That’s not to say you two shouldn’t put the effort in to change what’s not working, but I think that’s worth bearing in mind, if just to take some unnecessary pressure off yourself.

Having said that, let’s get to the meat of this. I think at least part of this situation could be merely a matter of your own perception and expectations not just of your own, but also of your boyfriend’s role in the relationship. From how you describe it, it sounds like you two may just have different areas of specialty: His being the spontaneous, goofy stuff, yours being the more pragmatic, here’s-what-we-need-to-get-done-so-that-when-we-get-back-from-our-spontaneous-fun-the-power-isn’t-turned-off side of things. To me, a pairing such as this doesn’t seem like a problem at all, but rather a strength. The obstacle you may be running into here could simply be that you are expecting your boyfriend to excel at your strengths and vice versa. I think if you could find a way to accept what each of your “specialties” are, a great deal of your aggravation might be relieved.

In other words, your being more pragmatic and down-to-earth (some might even say responsible) doesn’t make you a Stick In The Mud: it makes you the perfect counterweight to your boyfriends more spontaneous nature. The same goes for him: his more impulsive aspects could be the balance to your pragmatism. If you can establish a clearer understanding of who’s responsible for what in your home, it could result in a harmonious and complimentary resolution.

The obvious question of course is, how to get there? The first step is to stop anticipating and start communicating. Too often I hear from couples that not only does someone want A, B and C from their partner, they want that person to know how to give them A, B and C without being told. Unless you’re capable of telepathy, that is not going to happen.

Talk about it with each other. Not when you’re upset or when emotions are running high, but rather the opposite, when you’re both feeling relaxed and communication can flow at its clearest. A lazy weekend breakfast would be an ideal moment. Let your boyfriend know how you’ve been feeling, but remember that it wasn’t his intention for you to feel like this, and hopefully that will keep you in an emotionally neutral (even positive?) place. He may have his own feelings on the matter to share with you, too. My gut tells me that the core of your relationship is strong and that once you two are aware of how each other have been feeling, mutual empathy will ease your way through the discussion(s) (there may be more than one. Don’t pressure yourselves to fix everything in one fell swoop). The next move will be to establish who can be responsible for what and when, but within realistic expectations of what you are each capable of doing. So while your boyfriend could agree to doing his share of the housework, grocery shopping, etc., you may find that you want to remain in charge of certain things, as perhaps you do them best. Likewise, perhaps you can take on planning an outing, a trip, get-together or what have you, but also remember that if that’s what your partner’s strength is, he should be allowed to put it to work for both of you.

I realize it’s easy for me to sit behind a computer screen without knowing you, let alone being emotionally involved in a situation, and be as cool-headed and pragmatic as a Vulcan therapist (Oof. Can you imagine Mr. Spock as a shrink? An emotionless being asking, “How does that make you feel?” Talk about irony). However, if you can both step out of the reactive dance of feelings all of us can so easily fall into with our significant others, and bring some of that level-headed pragmatism you use to deal with the outside world into your own relationship, you just might find that the resolution to this situation is not as complex or out of reach as it first appeared to be.

With Love and Light,
Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.

Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.

Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ What Can I Do to Make Good Things Happen?

Dear Dr. V ~

We’re barely a few weeks into 2011 and I’m already feeling pressure. I always hear people saying “This is your year! Make it happen!” and that kind of thing. And the truth is, I don’t know if it is, and I’m worried that if it is, I could somehow mess things up and that’ll be it. For instance, I’ve been single for awhile, and I’d really like to meet someone. And of course I can’t help but wonder, “Is this my year to fall in love?”  Same thing with my job. I know I’m lucky to have a job, but I’m not happy there, and I think, “Next year at this time will I still be stuck in this same hell hole?” What can I do to make these things happen, what can I do to feel better?

Beth

Dear Beth,

Wow, sounds like you’re not letting yourself have that happy of a new year. And while I certainly understand and empathize with your dissatisfaction with what’s going on (or not going on) in both your personal and professional life, I think the first thing you need to do is cut yourself some slack here. Not only because beating yourself up over this kind of thing is a completely pointless and painful endeavor, but you could be putting that energy towards pulling yourself out of the rut you’re in. And I think on some level you are aware of this. You ended your question by asking me how you could find a romantic partner, satisfaction at your job and generally feel better. The answer to that is to reverse the order of those items: if you can get yourself to start feeling better, what you are seeking may end up presenting itself.

Often times, when someone winds up in such an unsatisfactory circumstance, the tragic and comic truth of the matter is that the creator of the situation is the individual. I’m not saying that what’s going on is “your fault,” but rather that just as you had the power to place yourself where you are, you are equally powerful enough to lift yourself out of it.

So the $64,000 question of course, is, “How?” My suggestion would be to examine your day-to-day routine. the ins and outs of your life, so you can truly figure out just what you’re doing, in the most literal sense of the word. For example, the hours you are not at work or busy with work, are you actively seeking employment elsewhere? I hate to sound like a high-school guidance counselor, but have you considered what steps need to be taken to make you ready for your  (pardon the phrase), “dream job?”

I’m not one of these New Agey types, but I do believe in destiny, and I believe the only way anyone can fail is if they deny their authentic self and follow a path not true to their heart (in this case, wasting your precious hours away at a job you don’t like). The way I see it, the position you were meant for and will find most fulfilling is ready and waiting for you. Your responsibility is to be ready for it. Whether it’s putting in hours on your own projects after you get home, going back to school, or simply pounding the pavement (or more appropriate to our digital age, e-pounding the cyber pavement) you need to take the initiative and create positive, deliberate and proactive action in your life. Though you have to begin this quest alone, once you make your intentions known to the Universe through thought and deed, allies and friends may present themselves to you from the most unexpected of places.

Now, in regards to the search for a lover, well… it’s not so cut and dry.  Again, what’s important here is what you do with your days, but in a less direct way than I described above. It’s been said that nobody likes the smell of desperation. While you don’t sound desperate, you do sound frustrated, and I believe that desperation is often the product of fermented frustration. As I’ve advised other eligible women in your predicament before, take a page from Eastern Mysticism and Do Without Doing. This doesn’t mean giving up on love, but it means accepting that outside of presenting yourself to the Universe (and by extension, the rest of us silly Humans) as your most authentic, highly realized self, there isn’t much more you can do to force Fate’s hand.

That might seem like a dour take on things, but if you really think about it, it’s not. In fact, it sort of parallels the suggestion I made to you regarding your job search. It’s not that what you’re looking for isn’t there, you may just not be ready to find it.

Really take some time to think about what it is that makes you  feel not just happy, but  fulfilled. When you have truly ascertained what that is, go after it relentlessly. By doing so you are honoring and exercising your authentic self, and, like any other aspect of our being, when that part of our spiritual anatomy is exercised, it grows in strength. And, just like it’s physical counterpart, it gets people to take notice. Often the romantic kind.

With Love and Light,

Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.

Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.

Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ “I Feel Like the Office Robot”

Dear Dr V ~

At the end of the summer I got a job that I thought would be the start of my career: an office support spot in an architecture firm (I just finished school back in May). I feel as if I’ve completely failed. It’s not even a matter of the Glass Ceiling (which is totally in play at this office – it’s such a boy’s club it makes me want to barf), but I’m not even viewed as an architect – I’m just the girl they send to make copies, order office supplies, etc. I feel stuck, like this is what I’ll be doing for the rest of my life (my supervisor is in her late 50′s and has been the office manager at the firm for the past twenty years. I don’t want that for my future!). I can’t just quit the job though, what do I do?

Katie

Dear Katie,

Without wanting to sound like a stodgy old fart, “Ah! The Impatience and Passion of Youth!” I totally relate to how you feel, I’ve been there. I think anybody who wants to make their way as a professional at whatever they do, be it as an artist, craftsman or what have you, must go through that humbling experience of starting at the bottom. I realize how frustrating it can be, especially after leaving school all revved up on the excitement of finally getting out in the world on your terms, ready to grab on to Destiny and ride off into glory. I also know how disheartening it can be to have certain harsh realities slam in front of you, making you question your passion and doubt your abilities. It goes without saying that the added insult and disrespect of the unfortunately still-rampant sexism in our professional culture only serves to increase these feelings.

So, I want you to imagine me as Burgess Meredith in Rocky when I tell you: Get back in there and fight!

First, keep it in the forefront of your mind that whether you leave this job next year, next month or next week, you will leave it at some point. Unless you go through some kind of spiritual lobotomy that leaves you an unfeeling husk, you will not be at this job for twenty years, and you will not be the Office Manager when you are in your late 50’s (even if you did, God Forbid, end up as an unfeeling husk, a shitty job would be the least of your worries). This job is temporary. So while you are there, I think it’s important to maximize your returns from it.

Here’s what I mean. You are an architect. You are working in an architecture office. While you may not be able to apply your skills and abilities towards any projects the office is currently working on, make the most of your time as a fly on the wall. Try and pay attention to the business of architecture, not just the practice. I’m sure you have the science of your craft down, but what about the business of it? How well can you read people in a conversation? How well can you communicate the complex ideas and concepts of design and construction to a layperson? Well enough to sell them on an idea? Perhaps you could eavesdrop (discreetly) on meetings with clients to hear how the brass in your office talks to “normal” people. Something else to pay attention to could be how people are managed in the firm. Are the employees happy in their work? What are the bosses doing right or wrong?  These are things that, from my experience, regardless of the profession, can only be gleaned from actually being in the trenches and watching how the veterans do it. Perhaps this office will not be the start of your actual career in architecture. However, what you learn here could end up giving you a decisive and competitive edge once you do land that first gig.

In regards to the sexism, I’m sorry I can’t be as bright. While it should never be tolerated, excused or rationalized, the sad fact is that it is to be expected. We can legislate all we want, we can raise awareness, but the cliché that old habits die hard is a true one. The concept of Women’s Rights as we know it is really just about a century old, up against thousands of years of misogynist patriarchy. We are all foot soldiers in this battle, and there will be wounds. While the most extreme forms of this discrimination and oppression, such as sexual harassment, have a more apparent and direct response (filing reports and so on), it’s the more insidious kind that’s the real challenge to deal with. I can only hope that as time goes on, the enlightenment of the last few decades will remain with you and your peers as the generations shift in their positions of authority in the workplace.

I urge you to keep a wall around your heart and mind, and remember that the only entity that can define who you are is you. It doesn’t matter what your boss believes, what your job title is, or what position you occupy in whatever hierarchical structure you might find yourself in. You and you alone are the determining agent in what your reality and sense of self are. Guard that thought and let nobody take it from you.

With Love and Light,
Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.

Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.

Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ Workplace Poison

Dear Dr V

Scared At Work
Dear Scared,

I do agree with you that your work environment is toxic, but I think the poison is now flowing both ways (if it wasn’t always doing so already). Whether you decide to ride it out at this place or seek your fortunes elsewhere, I believe it would be in your best interest, both pragmatically and spiritually, to distance yourself from this group of colleagues you’ve fallen in with. At the risk of sounding indelicate, an old saying comes to mind here, “If you hang out with shit, you smell like shit.” Meaning that the longer you remain associated with these people who are engaging in unethical, destructive behavior, the more likely it is that you will be perceived to be supportive of, or engaged in it, or worse yet, actually find yourself stealing something or keying a car yourself. This doesn’t mean all of a sudden write off your friends, but rather what I suggest is a gradual detachment from this group. Don’t always go to lunch with them, try and see some friends you don’t work with on the weekend. I suggest this not only for the pragmatic reason of getting you away from the “bad kids,” but also for your sanity. Because if you go to lunch and talk about work, and then hang out with work friends on the weekend and talk about work, you’re always at work. Which means you are keeping your heart and mind saturated in the toxic dysfunction of that place 24/7.

You said that one of your co-workers stole something from your boss, and that didn’t sit well with you, because it felt like “it was wrong.” Yeah, stealing is wrong. Regardless of how rotten your bosses may be treating you and the rest of your colleagues, your friend chose to retaliate in a very immature, not to mention unethical way. Stealing from an asshole is still stealing: the act still stains the honor of the thief, if there is such a thing.

I also find it curious that you seem to be, consciously or not, denying yourself what to someone else would seem the obvious solution: Leave.

I realize it’s far from the best time to be looking for a job, and despite the abuse and exploitation of the phrase “You’re lucky to even have a job!”  by scores of asshole bosses just like yours, it’s easy to feel it might be better to stay in the pain and suffering of something familiar than move into the frightening unknown of something new. The unspoken corollary here is that of course, whatever that something new might be could be infinitely better and more rewarding for you than where you find yourself at present.

I’m not sure what your profession is, but to hang on to your job at a mid-level position in a professional metropolitan firm I’m guessing you’re most likely very intelligent, savvy and skilled at whatever your particular specialty is. While the opportunity may not present itself immediately, I firmly believe that if you begin broadcasting a deliberate intention that is true to your heart, the Universe may help you find your way to where you need to be next.

So, how to broadcast that intention? My suggestion would be to, as I said, disengage from those co-workers bringing negativity into your life. Also, (obviously) start the search for a new job, while of course remaining discreet about this at work. I also recommend you not share this decision with any of your co-workers, simply in the interest of confidentiality and keeping your job until you’re ready to leave it.  You might find that while the problem certainly won’t be truly resolved, you may feel better for removing the negative pollutants in your emotional ocean and taking action in finding a new job, instead of simply being acted upon by the jerks at your current one.

Regarding your bosses, it can be a bit more complicated. Workplace decorum or mechanics may demand you interact with them more than you’d like to (which from how you describe it would be any interaction with them). Also, when you’re spending upwards of 40 hours a week somewhere it’s easy to confuse where the workplace stops and your own true self begins. Unfortunately, you’re just going to have to deal with these people until you’re out of there. So my advice to you would be to reinforce your boundaries throughout the day, if only to yourself. Do your job to the best of your ability, treat others with respect and decency, but inside try to remain objective about the place. It is not you, it does not define you. When you leave, nothing there will matter anymore. If you can make that your mantra, if when your bosses fly into whatever kind of abusive dance they do, pretend you’re an anthropologist doing field work, and think to yourself “This guy is totally crazy. I’m so glad what he’s saying isn’t true”. Of course, smiling and agreeing with them until they go away always works well too.

There are better things waiting for you, I am sure of it.

With Love and Light,
Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.

Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.