Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ Thanksgiving With My Girlfriend’s Family

Posted by TheSavvyGal.com on November 17, 2011 · Leave a Comment

Dear Dr V ~

I’m going to my girlfriend’s family’s for Thanksgiving this year. I’ve met them before and like them just fine. I guess what’s bothering me is that it seems like she’s got a perfect family, at least compared to mine: my folks are still married but I can’t ever remember them being loving to each other, both have substance abuse problems and my two brothers have their own insanity. Meanwhile, my girl’s folks seem to have loving marriage, great kids, and a beautiful house. I can’t help feeling resentful and envious. And I also wonder if there’s any hope for my family to be “normal.” Are the people who yell about the breakdown of the American family right? What’s wrong with us?

Bryan

Dear Bryan,

I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve seen who often have a similar issue. I can assure you, your girlfriend’s family is not “perfect.” That’s not to say they may not have an empathetic, self-aware and relatively functional household, but if they are humans (and I hope they are, otherwise you’ve got bigger concerns then feelings of familial inadequacy), then they are by definition flawed.

I do have a suggestion or two for you on how to handle this, but there’s something you brought up I’d like to hit first:

I think you pose an interesting question when you ask if THE FAMILY UNIT is in fact breaking down (I feel the need for all caps when we’re talking about it in this context). Do we hear more today about child and spousal abuse, unfaithful husbands and wives and a skyrocketing divorce rate? Absolutely. Does that mean these problems and their causes simply didn’t exist earlier? Of course not. However, many in our culture seem to be less tolerant of dysfunction, and therefore seek alternatives to living a life of hidden shame.

This isn’t to say that all families grapple with such heavy-duty problems, but as we grow as a culture and learn to recognize dysfunction as we see it, I think we are less apt to allow ourselves to exist in a state of mass-denial where we view imperfections in a family are aberrations, rather than simply as problems and issues that need resolving.

I don’t think your girlfriend’s family exists in some kind of Stepford Wife Autocratic Nightmare. I do think it’s possible that, having grown up in such an extreme familial environment yourself, your sensors might be tweaked a bit too much in one direction. So when you encounter a family that is (Let’s not say “normal,” let’s say “closer to the median average of function/dysfunction,” How’s that for politically correct?), you find yourself closer to the average, perhaps the contrast is so sharp with your own family stuff that you can’t help but be reminded of how “wrong” you feel your family is. Which they are not. They are simply who they are, and you are you: the two are not one in the same.

Which brings me to my next point. You also asked if there was any possibility of your family ever being normal. If I trafficked in bullshit I’d say yes and blow all kinds of smoke, but that’s not the case. In all likelihood, your parents will remain locked in their unhealthy patterns. Whether the same holds true for your siblings will depend on their own self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

That being said, the one person you can have an effect on and who does have more than a fighting chance of resolving all this, at least for himself, is you. You cannot save or change your family. You can however, accept and love them unconditionally. At the same time, you owe it to yourself (and to your girlfriend, especially if she should ever become your wife), to maintain appropriate emotional boundaries when it comes your family’s shit (let’s call it what it is, eh?). You are responsible for learning to break free of whatever role it is you’ve learned to play in that dynamic, and also for learning to undo whatever rotten programming might be hiding inside from the faulty education you got. This is something you can begin on your own through simple introspection, conversations with your partner or good friends, or if you feel the need, perhaps even a discussion with a counselor. Don’t get me wrong here, I’ve never been an advocate of “parent-blaming,” but it would be naïve to think the people who raise us and teach us how to be in this world don’t create echoes of their own behavior in the adults we mature in to. Again, no blaming here, just recognition of the possible cause of a certain condition, and a suggestion on how to reverse its possible effects.

For the moment, have you considered talking to your girlfriend about this? The circumstances are obviously causing enough of an emotional reaction to motivate you to write in to me. From my experience, talking about and sharing emotions with a romantic partner usually strengthens the relationship and, in the best of all worlds, resolves the problem, or at least begins the process of resolution; it’s something you do together. Also, your girlfriend may get a good laugh out of your impression of her “perfect” family, and be only too happy to fill you in on some anecdotes from their imperfect past. I think so long as you broach the subject in such a way that shows you feel resentful and jealous of the situation, but not her (or her parents) personally, it will go a long way in making sure the dialogue is conversational, rather than confrontational.

Either way, offer to help with the dishes after dinner. That almost always goes over well.

Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at:http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall
Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.

Filed under Savvy Minds · Tagged with dating, family dinner, thanksgiving

Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ Is My Marriage Crumbling?

Posted by TheSavvyGal.com on October 9, 2011 · Leave a Comment

Dear Dr V ~

I’m two years into my marriage and I’m worried it’s failing. We don’t talk anymore. My husband comes home and disappears into his Man Cave to play video games, surf the web, whatever. and I don’t see him til bed time (we usually eat dinner and watch TV together, the only conversation we have is during commercials). On the weekends we’re either trying to get caught up on all the stuff we couldn’t get done during the week or running around doing stuff with friends. I don’t feel like we have any time together anymore. Top it all of we haven’t had sex in like six months. We were talking about starting a family, but the seems like forever ago. I’m unhappy and lonely but I don’t want to leave him. Is there any hope?

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

My heart aches for someone who ends their question with “Is there any hope?” even when from where I sit it seems like there’s better than hope, there’s a concrete, simple way out of your predicament. But before I go on let me say that what you’re going through is very common for married couples, especially when we live in a world where we seem to live lives of pure distraction: Digital Gadgets, social networks, even the tried and true TV, all these things often function as diversions from what matters. And it follows that if we’re distracted, we can’t be focused or attentive. Your husband is distracted from his marriage, he’s not being attentive to you, so of course you feel lonely and sad.

I wonder, however, if your husband isn’t unhappy as well, hence his apparent escapism. Not through any fault of yours, but perhaps also as a result of the marital doldrums you guys seem to have drifted into. I assume you both work: so the better part of most of your days, when you’re both at the peak of your energy levels and attention spans, is spent away from each other (one of the prices of the Post-Industrial Age we live in). When you get home, you’re both tired, perhaps even exhausted. It’s all you can do get dinner on the table somehow, eat it, get some kind of slack time in and hit the sack. Repeat for five days. Then the weekend comes, the house is a mess, the fridge is empty, there’s shit to get done before it’s time to go to whoever’s house for dinner. Then it’s Monday again: back to work. Repeat the pattern over and over until dementia or death arrives, whichever comes first. Thus will be the remainder of your gloomy existence.

Or not.

The alternative is that you both make the effort not just to rediscover each other as the people you fell in love with, but to also be the person your spouse fell in love with. I don’t mean this in some kind of shallow physical way, or even going to extravagant ends to create a romantic evening (although that doesn’t hurt now and again either). I’m more talking about creating a whole series of “little things” that add up to affect a major change in the current state of intimacy inertia you find yourselves in.

For example, one thing you mentioned was watching TV while eating dinner, and talking between the commercials. What if you didn’t watch TV at all during dinner, and, stay with me … sat at the table together and talked over dinner? Or, when you do watch TV, do you sit on opposite ends of the couch, or close together? Even something as simple as holding hands for awhile could begin to stoke the embers that you feel have gone cold. Everybody’s tired at the end of the day, and it’s perfectly understandable to just not physically have the “oomph” (for lack of a better phrase) for sex, but that doesn’t mean physical intimacy has to go out the window altogether. Find some way to touch and hold each other and that alone can work wonders. And it’s got to be a repeated, maintained thing. Do it every night, make it part of your evening ritual. You may be surprised how fast things begin to change. This isn’t to say you should wall up your husband’s man cave, either. We’re looking to strike a balance here, not move to the opposite extreme. Something you may want to consider is creating your own space to go to for alone time, your Woman Cave, as it were. (Would we have a “Cave?” Is that too butch? What about a “Woman’s Plateau,” a place of elevation and stability? “Lair” sounds kind of cool but it makes us sound like a nesting predator).

The one caveat I would offer with this is that all I have just suggested to you goes with the assumption that the reason for the slowdown in your marriage is simply because the distracting and exhausting nature of day-to-day life got the better of you. It is also possible that your husband is isolating himself because he’s troubled by something, in which case I hope you can remind him that he’s not alone, that you are there for him, and that whatever the problem is you two have a better chance of solving it together than as a fractured unit.

Regardless of what the cause of the situation is, the starting point is the same: Talking to each other. Equally as important is to listen to each other. I’m 99.999% sure your husband isn’t deliberately trying to upset or hurt you, and I hope when you bring this up for discussion with him, you feel equally assured. You arrived at this point by drifting apart, you can leave it behind if you come together.

With Love and Light,
Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at:http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.

Filed under Savvy Minds · Tagged with communication, divorce, marriage

Ask Dr. V: The Younger Man & Older Woman Romance

Posted by TheSavvyGal.com on September 19, 2011 · Leave a Comment

Dear Dr V ~

I’ve been in a relationship with an “older” woman for about eight months. She’s 35, I’m 24. What really attracted me to her to begin with was that I felt I related better to her than to other girls my age. I appreciated her maturity and intelligence. The problem is, all of a sudden she wants me to move in with her, and she says that if we’re not going to get married eventually, what’s the point of us being together. I feel like the pressure’s really on for the moving in thing because both of our leases are up soon and she thinks it’d work out great for us to move in. I do love her but all this talk about moving in and marriage is freaking me out. She says she doesn’t have time to waste anymore, and if we’re not serious we should end it. Is it all or nothing? Is this just a lose-lose for me?

Mike

Dear Mike,

Wait, hold on a second. So you’re already choosing to view this situation as a “lose-lose” as you put it. Meaning it’s a losing option to move in with a woman you just declared your love for, someone you’ve been with for a good eight months (which, in relationship time, is a long time and isn’t a long time, if you know what I mean). I can understand you feeling the way you do, but I think it’d be worth it for you to examine why you feel like you do. I think your personal history may be playing a role. Alas, there may be some external messages that as a man living in this culture you’ve been bombarded with, messages so inculcated in your psyche you believe them to be native truths, when in fact they’re implanted lies.

It sounds like the biggest negative emotion bubbling up for you is fear. From where I sit, all the way over here on the other side of cyberspace in my kick ass Empathy Command Center (all right it’s a home office with a messy desk), it seems fairly apparent to me that, at least in the abstract, you are now having to deal with a fear of commitment. Maybe you’re aware of this, or perhaps if you’ve never been in a position like this before, you’ve convinced yourself you fear something else: a loss of freedom, a loss of youth, a loss of identity by being absorbed into an amoeba like relationship that, like the Borg on Star Trek, will absorb your uniqueness into itself, and resistance is futile.

Can you try and take a more objective view of your relationship with this woman and the feelings we’re talking about? I know that can be a very tall order (It’s hard for me to do when I’m dealing with my own stuff). You might be able to better understand the true source of these fears. Understanding, rationality and knowledge are all like penicillin for this kind of nonproductive fear: they get rid of it pretty fast.

On the one hand, I realize it’s entirely possible that experiences with past partners could have colored your feelings on long-term commitment. The question is, is your current partner just a newer version of the same personality type you’ve sought in the past? Do you find yourself falling into the same dysfunctional patters with this woman that you have with other lovers? If so, you may be trying , through a relationship, to “fix” something deep inside hat can really only be remedied by a true effort of introspection, recognition and resolution of whatever that “broken” thing might be (By the way, that’s essentially what happens in Therapy when the Therapist is doing their job). If after some reflection, this take on things rings true with you, then you at least know where these feelings are coming from and how you can deal with them, aside from ending a relationship with a woman you love. I do realize it’s also possible you’re in a mismatched love affair, but that’s not the feeling I get. If you sought someone out for their maturity and intelligence, I would assume that person sees the same qualities in you. So if two mature, smart people are in a relationship together and truly love each other, there’s no reason not to put in the effort to try and make things work: there’s enough going wrong in the world already.

That being said, I would like to add that another possible source of the anxiety you’re dealing with could be the society we live in itself. Just as the media bombards women with destructive and false meta-messages about body image, beauty, etc., so are young men assailed with the myth that getting married means the end of life, the end of fun, the end of manhood. This trope is played out again and again in movies, sitcoms and other outlets of pop culture. It might be worth checking in with yourself to see how much of that queasiness over moving in (dun dun duuuun!) emanates from you, and how much of it is a kind of knee-jerk reaction you’ve been conditioned to have over years of media consumption.

Ultimately, you will know if you’re really ready to, for lack of a better phrase, take the next step (Ugh. That’s so cliché, but that’s basically where you’re at). Before I go I’d like to remind you that there are also some really positive possible consequences as well. You and your partner may grow closer together, you may achieve things both as a couple and as individuals that you would never have been able to do on your own, because of the added support of always having someone there for you, unconditionally. It’d be a shame to cheat yourself out of something that could be so very great and real over an emotional boogeyman that is so very shitty and false.

With Love and Light,
Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at:http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

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Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Posted by TheSavvyGal.com on July 13, 2011 · Leave a Comment

Dear Dr V ~

My problem is that I’m bored with my boyfriend and I don’t know what to do about it. We’ve been together for a few months and although he’s perfectly nice, I feel like we’ve run out of things to talk about. We’re not into the same movies or music, and he doesn’t really like to read or pay attention to the news, so I basically feel like all my conversation avenues are closed off. I like the guy and I don’t want to hurt him, but I feel like I may be missing out on something that’s a better fit for me. What should I do?

Marni

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Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ “My Girlfriend Hates the Way I Dress!”

Posted by TheSavvyGal.com on June 27, 2011 · Leave a Comment

Dear Dr V ~

My girlfriend complains that I don’t dress “mature” enough. I work from home, I’m my own boss … the whole point is that I don’t have to dress up for anybody. I like being who I am (jeans, t-shirt, sneakers). She especially hates my black motorcycle jacket which I’ve had since high school and is molded to my body at this point. She says she feels embarrassed when we go out, but I don’t want to have to start dressing like some dufus in a magazine. I think there’s a difference between being immature and turning into a boring, generic grown-up, if you know what I mean. How can I make her respect my right to be me?

Larry

Dear Larry,

I can understand your frustrations with your lady friend, however, not to pour gas on the fire here, you are coming off as a bit immature in your question.

In fact, the picture you’ve painted of yourself is rather comical: a young man dressed like an angry teenager, stamping his foot and shouting “I wanna dress how I wanna dress. You’re not the boss of me! And, I am not immature!”

Hopefully you haven’t clicked away from my answer in anger yet. Of course I’m kidding, but c’mon, seriously. If you’re old enough to be your own boss and working from home, then, I’m sorry to say, you must on some level be a “grown-up” as you put it, otherwise how could you manage the responsibilities? I’m sorry to break it to you, Larry. You are an adult. Take a moment to absorb the shock and we’ll continue.

Ready? OK. Now, I get the feeling from how your question was phrased that you are also both an intelligent and intensely independent young man. Which are admirable qualities and certainly should not be squelched. However, I wonder if maybe you associate certain aspects of your apparel with these qualities, perhaps to the point where you might be afraid that should you give up these material things, you will also be giving up the ideals they symbolize for you.

Now your lady enters the picture. Now, I would assume it’s very likely that what attracted her to you in the first place was your strong sense of individuality and self-determination. Who knows, perhaps the leather jacket was even a turn-on… at first. But perhaps when you’re out for a nice dinner, she may want to sit across from a mature gentleman, rather than a high-school punk rocker.

I’m not saying you should get rid of all your old clothes and buy a new wardrobe that doesn’t allow you to express who you are in the name of preserving the relationship, and my guess is that your girlfriend doesn’t want that either. What I would suggest is finding the adult translation of your youthful energy, if that makes sense. Without actually meeting you I can’t offer any concrete suggestions, but I would say it might be worth taking a stroll around a mall or department store (Hey! It’s something you can do with your girl!) allowing yourself to really look without prejudice to see what you can find.

Also, as a reality check for where you really are in your life, you could always take a stroll over to Hot Topic or whatever other mass-produced-pre-packaged-teen-rebellion store is in your area to get an idea of just how much you may have outgrown the playground, as it were. Seriously, consider the meta-message of a store like that, what it is they’re really selling to their customers (not the clothes or accessories, but what is the image they’re trying to sell? Is that still you, now that you’ve moved out of your parents house (I assume) and no longer are filled with rage at the prospect of another pop-quiz in Algebra II?)

What I’m driving at here is that you may be clinging to certain artifacts of yourself because they provide some sort of comfort in the uncertainty of adult life. Which is fine, so long as they are not the only source of that comfort. (Hint for another place you might want to try finding solace: Starts with “G”, ends with “-irlfriend.”)

What I do advise against, unless you are totally 100% on board and trusting of it, is any kind of a “makeover” from either your girlfriend or other outside source. I say this because all that will be is someone else’s take on what you should be wearing, rather than your own. Not to say that you shouldn’t be open to suggestions or guidance, but I think if you do a little digging you may be surprised to find you have a more refined, mature taste than you at first gave yourself credit for.

Like just about every other conflict in life, especially within the realm of romance and relationships, the solution lies in compromise, finding that golden spot in the middle. If this relationship and being with this woman are important to you, then I’m sure you will fast realize that allowing yourself to grow and change in a relationship isn’t “selling out” or becoming “boring.” Quite the opposite: you will be taking evolutionary steps towards a higher, more realized version of yourself.

With Love and Light,
Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at:http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

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Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ My Parents Embarrass Me!

Posted by TheSavvyGal.com on June 10, 2011 · Leave a Comment

Dear Dr V ~

I’m confused about what I should do. My parents are coming in from out of town to visit me next week, and I don’t know if I’m ready for my boyfriend to meet them. We’ve been dating about eight months, and things are going great. The problem is my parents embarrass the hell out of me. I love them but I don’t know how else to put it, they’re just goofballs. And while they’re fine to me (at least now), they fight with each other constantly. Sometimes bickering, sometimes yelling matches, but either way it seems like I can’t leave the house with them without SOMETHING coming up. A week’s a long time to go without seeing my sweetie, and while they have their issues I still love my folks and want to show them around town and make sure they have a good time. How do I get out of this?

Annie

Dear Annie,

Well that’s a lot to pack in to just one question. Looks like we got all the bases covered here: conflict with folks, potential conflict with your lover; it’s a perfect recipe for getting yourself totally worried and stressed. Being in that state of mind of course assures you won’t enjoy any of their visit at all, with or without your sweetie. You’ll be in a perpetual state of emotional anguish, worrying about all the horrible things that could happen. And when you say feel embarrassed by your parents (who hasn’t been at some time? I mean been embarrassed by their own parents, not that your parents have embarrassed everyone personally), I get the feeling that you may take more than your share of ownership (which would be any) for your parents’ behavior. Right off the bat it seems like you’re putting yourself under a lot of pressure. Not only do you have to play tour guide for your folks, it’s up to you to make sure they don’t make jackasses out of themselves or by extension, you.

Were we having this discussion face-to-face, the first thing I would ask you would be if you’d discussed any of this with your boyfriend yet. As I’ve said in the past to other people who have written in, six months is both a not so long time and very long time as far as relationships go. It’s for sure long enough that you guys may be inching out of the honeymoon phase, perhaps even starting to learn how to take care of each other. I don’t think I’m going too far out on a limb by assuming you have both discussed your families, at least your parents, at some point, no? Assuming that to be true, wouldn’t it make sense you’ve already somewhat prepped your beau for the untold horror (or laughter, depending on how you choose to see it) that awaits once Mom and Dad step off the plane? In fact, if your relationship is in good working order, your boyfriend’s presence could (and in my book, should) be a soothing, supportive element to the situation, rather than a liability. Think about it; unlike in the past, you now have an unconditional ally in all this shit, so that when Mom and Dad decide to crank up the crazy and rip off the knob, you can turn to your man, shrug and laugh. Alternately, he can be the one to step in and remove you from the Terror Dome if need be: you’ve got a sidekick and an escape hatch.

This of course assumes that your relationship is healthy and functional enough for this kind of loving support to happen. My suggestion to make sure that is in fact the case would be to talk to your boyfriend about all your fears and concerns surrounding the upcoming visit. If you haven’t done so already and are comfortable with it, give him the full history so he can know what to expect and what warning signs to look for. You could even work out some kind of code ahead of time to signal each other when you need assistance.

The other aspect to consider is of course, your parents. Without knowing your family history I can’t say for sure, but from what you say it sounds like there may be some deep-seated resentment, anger or even aggression working in your parents’ relationship. Of course, it’s really none of your business (just as your relationship is none of theirs), but more importantly, it’s not your responsibility. From how your question was written you sound like a mature, well-balanced person. However, I have yet to meet anyone who, when confronted with any kind of ancient childhood emotional baggage, doesn’t at least quaver a little bit, if not fall back into their role in whatever the Family Drama was. So while there is really nothing you can do to “fix” your parents and their issues, I would say you need to be vigilant about not backsliding into your childhood self. When you sense their shit starting to bubble up from the cauldron, try to take a step back. Pretend you’re an anthropologist studying the bizarre culture of a remote and unusually crazy village. It can be very difficult, even painful, to detach from our families in this way, but ultimately I think it’s part of growing into a complete, functional adult. As far as your folks’ propensity to be Goofballs goes… well, if they’re genuine dorks, I think once you resolve the other stuff their goofy antics may well stop embarrassing you and become amusing, perhaps even endearing.

All parents are human beings; therefore all parents make mistakes in their parenting. The bright side to our “issues with mom and dad” is that, barring extreme cases of abuse or other trauma, once we’re grown up we have the power to hit STOP on that internal tape player and put an end to the dysfunctional process. Though you may still be their daughter, you are no longer their child. You are your own person. Let that be a mantra to get you through the visit.

With Love and Light,

Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at:http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

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Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ Can You Help Me Get My Girlfriend Back?

Posted by TheSavvyGal.com on May 23, 2011 · Leave a Comment

Dear Dr V ~

Can you help me get my girlfriend back? We had a bad fight last weekend that escalated into us breaking up. If we hadn’t had the fight I don’t think we would have broken up. The fight was over the fact that I’m not romantic enough for her. I think that’s where it started, eventually it got into that I don’t make enough time for the relationship, that even when we are hanging around I’m distracted by work (my job pretty much has me needing to be able to answer the phone at any given time). I miss her and don’t want to be without her, but I don’t think I should have to put my professional life on hold just to have a relationship. Is this worth saving?

Brad

Dear Brad,

When you ask if I can help get your girlfriend back, are you hoping for some kind montage over music where we work together to formulate a witty plan that wins her heart in the big final scene at the end of the movie? That seems to be the kind of power you’ve assigned me. And while I wish I could make that happen, that ain’t the deal. So you’ll have to do it the old fashioned way, and simply ask her.

Provided, of course, that you actually want her back.

I think it might be worth considering why you want to save this relationship to begin with. Do you really want to be with this person, or do you more just like the idea of being with someone? Perhaps you find some sense of security in the notion of a committed relationship … if only it didn’t take up so much damn time. Here’s what I’m getting from your question: You do want to be involved romantically with this lady, but don’t want to put in any of the effort required to build and maintain a partnership with her. While everybody may have different notions of what is romantic and sexy, I think across the board we can all agree that a disengaged or preoccupied partner ranks somewhere just under doing our taxes on the “Ooo That Gets Me Hot” scale. This could explain your ex’s main complaint.

So before we go any further, let’s take a minute to try and define what “being romantic” really means. Sure, candle light dinners, walks along the surf, moonlight serenades; there are enough hack cliché’s to fill several dime store novels. Even if your lady is into that stuff, I don’t really think that is what she’s truly seeking from you. In my opinion, one way to define “romantic” could be the act of being deliberate and purposeful in how one cares for their lover. Or, to be less Merriam Webster about it, what the candles, music, fancy dinners and all the rest really represent is that one person in the relationship took the time to construct an enjoyable, sensuous experience to enjoy exclusively with their partner; an island of mellow pleasure in a world that is often demanding and stressful. When something is “romantic,” it’s a concrete expression of the devotion, care and love we have for our partner. The more personally tailored it is to their specific tastes, the more romantic it will feel to them.

That being said, it may be that you haven’t been delivering in the romance department because you haven’t really taken the time to know this woman you say you want to be with. How could you if you haven’t really been focused on her when you’re together? If you’re constantly answering your phone for work related stuff, then you never really leave work. Your attention is never one hundred percent in the moment, some part of your brain is still mulling over whatever it is they need you for down at the office. And I gotta tell ya Brad, relationship or no, that is one unhealthy way to live. It’s great to be passionate and devoted to our work, in fact I’d say you could count yourself lucky as someone who enjoys their job, but to allow it to completely dominate your life, is a recipe for burnout, if not ultimate unfulfillment. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard both clients and friends lament the fact that they let their careers take precedence over their loved ones or families. Regrettably, this realization often only comes when it’s too late, after they’ve missed out on stuff that won’t be coming round again.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t stay motivated and dedicated to your job, but rather perhaps consider adjusting what your personal boundaries are with your job. Unless you are a world leader or costumed vigilante crime fighter, this should be doable. Even doctors on-call get to take breaks now and again, so I think you should be able work something out with your colleagues as well. In your case, it sounds like there aren’t any boundaries with work to speak of, so try to open your mind to the idea of stepping back a little bit to make room in your life for other things.

If after some introspection, you find you really do want to save this relationship and are willing to make the changes needed to your lifestyle, then perhaps you could try reaching out to your ex. Explain to her that you’re ready to make her a priority, even to (gasp!) ignore your phone as much as possible when you’re out together. You might want to approach it in a way that is both endearing and even a touch eccentric or self-effacing. Think of John Cusack holding up the boom box in Say Anything. There, that is the one solid hint of how to be romantic I will give you. Run with it.

You said in your letter you didn’t think you should have to sacrifice your career to have a relationship, and I agree with that. However, don’t you think the converse of that is true as well? Why should you have to sacrifice your relationship to have a career?

With Love and Light,

Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at:http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.

Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.

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Savvy Minds: Politics is Ruining Our Relationship!

Posted by TheSavvyGal.com on May 3, 2011 · Leave a Comment

Dear Dr V ~

I’ve just started dating this guy, we’ve been out several times and had a lot of fun. He’s a gentleman, very attractive, smart and funny. The problem is we TOTALLY disagree on politics. The last time we were out at dinner the conversation turned to politics and we ended up arguing the rest of the night. It was awful. I just got a voice mail from him, he wants to go out again. He seemed like such a nice guy! I don’t know what to do.

Jenelle

Dear Jenelle,

One line in your question really stands out for me: “He seemed like such a nice guy!” Is it really that surprising to you that someone who doesn’t agree with you on everything could still be a decent (perhaps even loveable) human being?

There’s a lot of talk of how divided the country is these days. In some ways I’m not sure how the time we’re living in now, in a broad sense, is really any different from any other time in history: Some blame the rich for everything that’s wrong, some blame the poor. Some say people should be helped; others that people should help themselves. And of course, there are the dangerous loons who think the best thing to do is kill people in large numbers because that’s what will make God happy. Business as usual on planet earth.

Yet at the same time, it certainly does feel like we are at each other’s throats a bit more than in the past. As a society it appears we have lost the ability not just to see the other side of an argument, but to even tolerate that another valid point of view could exist. And I gotta say, I think it’s unhealthy, bad karma and in general I’m pretty fed up with it. We are better than this.

I’m not sure which end of the political spectrum you fall into, but couldn’t your few enjoyable outings with this man be evidence enough for you that there are individuals on the Other Side who are really people like you; People who ultimately want to get to the same place as you, but simply have a different understanding of what the best route to take there is?

This of course assumes that neither you nor this guy who you’ve dated a few times are extreme in your beliefs. By extreme I don’t mean “revolutionary” in the sense of “I think if we were more empathetic and less materialistic we’d be a happier species in genera,l” but more along the lines of “If you don’t agree with me, why are you wasting air others could breathe?” If either of you suffer from that kind mental illness (and Lord knows it seems like an epidemic now), then introducing reason into this situation is a fool’s errand. And if I’m totally honest here (when am I not?), the way you’ve presented your dilemma does seem a bit extreme: It’s as if you’re saying, “We don’t agree on certain aspects of the tax code and foreign policy. How can this love ever survive?!”

That’s not to say these feelings should be discounted, but rather examined before being blindly acted upon. All of our words, thoughts and actions ultimately reflect who we are, for better or worse. If this political stuff is truly that big of an issue, perhaps try bringing it up again, but not from a place of anger. Try to enter the conversation seeking to ask, “Why do you believe that?” as opposed to “How could you think that?” You may be surprised at what you learn about each other. Who knows what happened in either of your pasts that led you to believe what you believe today? I do think there is a quantitative difference between a simple political disagreement and using external issues such as politics, religion, etc., as a way to sublimate whatever powerful emotions are actually roiling around in our emotional oceans. For someone with a lot of displaced anger from unresolved issues in their past, it’s a hell of a lot easier to channel that rage against towards public figures or worse, groups of people, rather than actually parsing out what’s going on inside.

So that’s really the nut of your problem: What emotions are stirred up within you when the political stuff gets brought up? Are you really that impassioned about these issues that you’re willing to sacrifice something with the potential to be wonderful? Pundits, blogs, and Internet forums might bring those angry feelings out, but they can’t take you for a nice dinner, they won’t ask you about your day and really want to hear the answer, they can’t hold your hand on an evening stroll.

Clearly this guy wants to see you again, and unless he’s planning some Bill O’Reilly style ambush at your next date, I would guess it means he finds you interesting enough to set aside his politics and make an effort to get to know you as an individual. The question is, are you willing to do the same?

With Love and Light,

Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at:http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.

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Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ “I Don’t Want an Open Relationship”

Posted by TheSavvyGal.com on April 18, 2011 · Leave a Comment

Dear Dr V ~

My boyfriend of the last four months has been nagging me about us having an “open relationship,” meaning he gets to sleep around. I’m totally not OK with this, it feels wrong to me, and I don’t feel like I could “take advantage of the arrangement too” as he’s suggested. I have no desire to. I care a lot about this guy, other than this issue things are going OK with us. He says there’s scientific proof that people aren’t supposed to be monogamous, and that we cause all kinds of problems by forcing ourselves to be. Should I just ignore what my heart’s telling me and give this a try? I’ve been wrong before. Am I being a prude?

Julia

Dear Julia,

Let’s start with your question, “Should I ignore what my heart’s telling me?”

NO. NO. NO.

And in addition, NO.

You should never second-guess something that you feel so sure of, especially when it comes to relationships. This doesn’t mean acting rashly or reacting from a place of emotional volatility. Rather, it means acknowledging the emotion or message and from there, trying to parse out what the best thing for you to do is.

As far as what your boyfriend is telling you about there being scientific evidence for monogamy not being natural, well… that is true. But I think he may presenting and perceiving the facts in a way that supports something completely unrelated that he wants to be true: having a carte blanche to “sleep around” as you put it, without having to worry about you getting upset about it.

But first, a brief discussion of the facts. Yes, it has come to light relatively recently (particularly in a book called Sex at Dawn that I highly recommend) that human beings may not be biologically inclined to monogamy. We’re also not biologically inclined to drive cars, use the Internet or take antibiotics when we’re sick, but that doesn’t stop us from doing those things. This is because unlike our non-human companions on the planet, we have developed a complex way of life as a result of social and technological developments. When human beings hung around in groups of roughly 150 or so people, spent two hours a day hunting and gathering and the rest of the time, well, what we modern folks would call “slacking off,” the concepts of marriage, paternity, monogamy, private property… well they hadn’t really developed yet. So, much like our bonobo chimpanzee cousins, we existed in what might resemble to some a hedonist love-fest where just about everybody made love to everybody and responsibilities for survival were shared equally. You could also die from a toothache because without modern dentistry, the infection would rot through the skull and reach your brain.

The point is, very deep, primal aspects of our sexual biology have not caught up to the modern life we lead. This doesn’t mean we should chuck the idea of a committed relationship or monogamy, but rather gives us a basis for understanding the power and cause of certain drives and urges. This means it’s OK for both of you to acknowledge you find other people besides your mate attractive, even letting fantasies play out in your head is OK; provided of course that they remain fantasies. This means more than just grumbling “But I know I’m not allowed to do that” to yourself. It means realizing that despite a physical attraction for an individual, we’re able to recognize that the relationship we’ve built with our partner is something unique and irreplaceable, and that while the urges to spread our genetic material around as much as possible may be calling to us from the deepest parts of DNA, our highly evolved hearts and minds are refined and sharp enough to realize that the urge is just that, an urge. Not a command.

Hopefully that could give you a starting point to discuss this stuff with your boyfriend. As is often the case, I have a feeling that this may just be a superficial obstacle indicative of something deeper and more substantial that needs to be resolved, either between you two or perhaps just your boyfriend. It could be that what’s really eating at him is (ironically enough) a fear of intimacy, in that if he may feel that if he doesn’t give himself entirely to you then he still holds some measure of emotional control or protection for himself. Or, it could be a fear of commitment, which may stem from the same insecurity around getting hurt.

Or he could just be a horny guy who needs to move his brain above his belt.

Regardless, the only way to resolve this one way or another is through discussing it. Bear in mind that if he’s already feeling insecure or threatened (perhaps even by the idea of being in a relationship itself, more than you as a person), you may need to take a soft, gentle approach with him. Be kind, understanding and empathetic. The best way to do this is to assume, until you’ve got undeniable proof to the contrary, that he really does want to be in a committed relationship with you, and is just having some problems sorting through his own emotional hang-ups.

Needless to say, if conversations are fruitless and he insists on fighting for his right to party with multiple partners and you’re not OK with it, I suggest hopping the next train out of the relationship. You’re someone who is willing to commit and put the effort in required to create a healthy relationship, and you deserve nothing less in return.

With Love and Light,

Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at:http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.

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Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Posted by TheSavvyGal.com on April 7, 2011 · Leave a Comment

Dear Dr V,

My previous relationship lasted six years, and only sort of ended – we haven’t slept together or been acting like a couple in any way, but the emotional connection still feels like it’s there. Basically he’s a great guy but is grappling with severe clinical depression and we can’t be together as a result. I do care about him and we still talk almost every day, but more in an emotional support kind of way. I’ve started seeing someone new, just a few dates so far, but they’re really wonderful. Everything I’ve been looking for, and they really seem to be grounded and mature emotionally. I now find myself having second thoughts about if I should go back to my previous relationship – like if I should wait and see if things will work out – like what if this new person ends up being just as crazy as the last? What do I do?

Rita

Dear Rita,

I think the answer to this question has infinitely more to do with you than with either of these two men you mention. Never forget that we create the majority of the realities we exist in, and what may seem like a conundrum to you seems like a fairly simple choice to me.

How simple? I’ll rephrase your question:

“Hey Dr V., there’s a guy who, while I think he’s a good person, pretty much makes me miserable in a relationship. I just met someone new who I’m excited about and seems like he could be a good match for me. For some reason I’m thinking that going back to something I know won’t work might be the right thing to do. What do you think?”

I don’t mean to come off harsh, but at the same time, being removed from your situation allows me some objectivity. From how you describe it, your previous six year relationship, which may indeed have carried some great emotional depth with it, also seemed to be very dysfunctional. Simply in that if your ex does suffer from clinical depression, I can only imagine how hard it must have been for both of you to exist within such a dynamic. I don’t say this to smear depressed people. On the contrary, I say it from a place of empathy. Being depressed is much like suffering from any other serious chronic ailment: It is debilitating, painful and certainly inhibits people from functioning at their fullest potential.

You also said that your ex’s depression was the cause of your breakup. Fair enough. So if it caused your breakup, let me ask you this: Why would you continue to want to let that energy into your life, and worse, why would you want to allow it to influence what happens in your future relationships? I don’t mean to say you should completely brush off your ex, but you both (perhaps one more than the other) need to realize that if the relationship is over, then your responsibilities to each other as romantic partners has ended as well. Again, I’m not saying you shouldn’t or can’t be friends, but at the same time you might want to reconsider your boundaries with this person. What it really boils down to, and this may be the hardest thing for you to really integrate into your post-relationship self: You are not responsible for your ex. It is unfair and unhealthy for you to shoulder that burden. How can you make yourself available to others if you are still giving most of yourself to this guy?

The real question here, I think, is why you seem to want to return to a situation you know cannot result in you being happy. Six years is a long time, and I think during that period you could have developed an image of yourself that includes being your ex’s caretaker, meaning that codependent aspect of your relationship went from being “this is something I do” to “this is something I am.” So if you’ve convinced yourself of that (which is not true), and now you are faced with the reality of not having that person to take care of. I could see how that would be a very upsetting, even frightening notion. Almost as if the deepest part of you was saying, “But if I’m not this, what am I?”

I also think the prospect of a new relationship is bringing this feeling to a head for you, because it is forcing you to confront this fear. Though at present it is impossible to know the new guy you’re seeing as well as the guy you were with for six, the blueprint of your last relationship is still fresh within you. And, as this guy sounds like the polar opposite of your ex, it’s now a useless script.

Which brings us at last to what I think you should do. You’ve got three choices. The first is to go back to your old flame, which I strongly advise against, as it will just result in more frustration and sadness for you (unless your ex recovers from his depression, but that’s hardly an overnight occurrence, and to me it sounds as if what you are really looking for is decisiveness). You could also choose to stay out of any relationships until you get your head clear. There’s really no magic formula for how long it takes to “get over” someone. Of course deeper relationships with complex issues can take longer than brief flings, but there’s no hard and fast rules. You can only know for sure in your heart. Your third option is to take a crack at this new relationship, but only if you can establish more appropriate boundaries with your ex. This could mean less contact, and generally limiting the flow of emotional energy you allow into your exchanges with him, which may not be easy. But doing what’s best sometimes isn’t easy.

There’s an oft-repeated truism that will probably soon officially declared a cliché, yet like many clichés it resounds with truth: It’s often easier to stay in familiar pain than move into unknown risk. I think that succinctly sums up the situation you’ve described. Ultimately you carry the answers you seek within yourself. It may be a matter of taking the time and making the effort to listen to that inner wisdom if you wish them to reveal themselves.

With Love and Light,

Dr. V

Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall

Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.

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