Savvy Gal Spotlight: Allow Challenges to Strengthen, Not Defeat You!

By Deborah Fairfull ~

Sometimes life is full of unexpected twists and turns. Through it all, the one thing that is always constant and stable is you!! You are your own best friend—capable of triumphing in whatever life may present to you. Yet it is common during challenging times to feel that the situation reflects on you personally, affecting your confidence, emotional stability, health and ability to move forward in life.

The good news is that it is possible to regain control and create the life that you desire. In my personal experience, I have found that this is possible by changing my perception rather than the situation. Due to our reactive world, anxiety and depression are increasing globally. The World Health Organization states depression as the leading cause of disability (2011).Greater awareness of how our inner world affects our outer world will collectively give us the ability to turn these statistics around.

Your mind and body, reflect your thoughts, beliefs and attitudes. If you end up in situations you do not desire (such as physical and mental disease), despite your best efforts, this can indicate your unconscious thoughts, beliefs and attitudes are running the show. However, if you learn to go beyond the mind in terms of unconscious and reactive behavioral patterns, you can live from a conscious state of awareness.

Clues to awareness are:

• You are able to observe your thoughts and feelings; meditation for 20 minutes every day helps to develops this skill.
• Your mind feels neutral (no stress), calm, still and receptive.

About 10 years ago I was living the most idyllic life I could imagine. I owned a multi-million dollar dream home, near the park and beach. I had beautiful children, a successful business and wonderful friends and family. On the outside everything looked perfect. In hindsight, I realize that I was always unconsciously carrying feelings of anxiety and stress. These inner feelings ultimately led to my life taking a turn for the worse. My husband and I lost the majority of our material wealth, and we separated under the pressure. This forced me to look at my internal world and rebuild my life in a more conscious, stable way.

At the time I couldn’t understand how I went from having so much to losing the things that were important to me. I became depressed and found it difficult to difficult to function on a day-to-day basis (then with three children under six); everything was such an effort! The combination of kinsesiology, counseling, yoga and eastern and western philosophies, helped me to make sense of my thoughts and feelings. I realized that my unconscious fears had landed me in the exact situation I didn’t want!

Yes, I had been successful in terms of material wealth, but only because I had worked incredibly hard. I discovered that I had the unconscious belief that it was only when I struggled and strived, was I worthy of success. This approach is exhausting and not sustainable in the long run!!

I discovered I also had a HUGE unconscious fear of losing my dream home (which had happened to my parents when I was younger), so despite my best efforts, I was unconsciously recreating history all over again!

Back then I was always slightly stressed and anxious, trying to keep my life together in the way that I wanted. I unconsciously feared that something was going to go wrong and so it did.

I now know that I am enough. Expressing my gifts and talents in a joyful, effortless way is my birthright – and I am worthy of success, just because I’m me.

I know that I will always live in the right home for me, surrounded by love and laughter. I can create a joyful existence anywhere. I flow with life. After four years, I reunited with my husband to create an even better marriage based on a more conscious approach.

I now understand that:

• RELAXING my mind and tapping into the loving awareness within, is how I know that everything will be okay. I have trust and faith in my future—even though I do not know what it looks like right now!
• When I stop trying to control everything based on stress and worry, I flow with life. Often my future works out better than I could have imagined.
• When I let go of my “mind-made” anxieties and worries, I open myself to co-creating with a force far greater than myself—The Universal Intelligence field (also known as Love, God, Tao or Intuition). It is always there to guide me on the right path, when I remain open and let it.

After years or even generations (due to emotional patterns, passed down from family to family) of stress, worry, depression, anxiety and illness, it is possible to turn your mental state around from entrapment to freedom.

At the time my life was turned upside down, I couldn’t understand why. Now I realize this was just part of my journey to becoming more aware. It has given me the opportunity to work on my unconscious patterns, many of which were generational to create a new way of being for my family and myself.

Unconsciousness is a step on the journey to consciousness. We need to understand the duality (opposing forces, such as happy and sad for example) in our life before we can embrace our inherent beauty and oneness.

Going beyond the constructs of the mind and consciously living in an expansive loving state, is how we will evolve—anxiety, depression and stress will be a thing of the past, just as small pox, no longer threatening our well-being. Making our mind our friend, rather than letting it rule us, will allow us to transform the world to a place of love and beauty.

Live joyfully, nurture your spirit, value yourself, find courage, express wisdom; use your compassionate voice—we are all on this journey together.

Deborah Fairfull has been both a student and teacher of psychology and philosophy for over 20 years and is the author of Bliss Every Day: A Practical Guide to Find Peace and Happiness (available on amazon.com). For more information, visit www.Deborahfairfull.com or follow her on Twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/deborahfairfull.

Savvy Gal Spotlight: Why Your Kids Want Everything, Why That’s Good, & What To Do About It

By Rudy DeFelice ~

Let me guess:  your otherwise balanced and well adjusted child has a limitless craving for stuff.  Everything seen on a commercial, appearing in a kids’ magazine or in a colorful box in a store creates a desperate need.  They ask and ask and ask, and tiring of saying “no” all the time, you relent.  And the cycle continues.  Buy. Rinse.  Repeat.

Why  That’s Good

The good news is that your child is exhibiting perfectly healthy, adaptive behavior.  Think about it from her perspective.  She asks for stuff, and sometimes she gets it.  If she doesn’t ask, she usually doesn’t get it.  Lastly, there’s no downside to asking.  That’s the formula.  So the rational, appropriate learned response is to ask all the time.  If your kid does that, he or she is learning appropriately.  That’s good.  Of course, all this desire and consumption is not helpful long term – it develops bad habits toward spending and consumption and fills our homes and lives with waste.

What To Do About It?

What’s missing in the above dynamic is a counterweight to immediate consumption.  Remember, where there is no cost to asking, and there is a perceived benefit, constant asking and bad long term habits are the results.

You can help your child by introducing an alternative into the equation.  We’ve found that a goal that the child has adopted can be more compelling than an impulse purchase, and will be very effective in helping the child control the urge to consume.

Let’s say that your boy wants a new bike.  He sees a picture of that bike and knows what needs to be saved to get it.  Each week part of his allowance goes toward the bike, and on his birthday friends and family contribute to his goal.  He sees a progress meter getting close to the goal and he gets engaged in challenge.  It is a game in its own right.

That goal serves several purposes.  One, it introduces a choice into the act of asking for something.  If resources are used to buy small things on impulse, it takes away from progress on the larger goal.  Secondly, it fills a gap in the child’s mind; even if something is not being bought right now, they are still earning something they really want through saving.  Lastly, it develops good habits.  Kids that learn to acquire what they really value, rather than whatever they come across, will be more successful and responsible adults.

There is No Opting Out

Make no mistake that there is a large, sophisticated part of the economy relentlessly trying to reach your children through advertising, packaging, product placement, etc., sending the message of constant consumption.  The decks are stacked heavily against kids and families trying to develop a healthy relationship with money.

Those influences reach anyone that is part of our culture.  Therefore, if parents don’t give kids a system to deal with these issues – if families don’t step in to provide a child’s values, those values will be supplied for them.  A child’s greatest asset is to use some system that helps them consider their values, and set and track goals consistent with those values.  If the family is not steering the ship, someone will steer it for them.

Using a System To Help Kids Develop Financial Skills

The good news is it is easy (and free) to use a system to consider meaningful financial goals, and monitor and track those goals.  Kids can focus their “earnings” (gifts, allowance and earnings from chores) towards things they find meaningful and consistent with the family’s values.  In my case, my kids are saving for outdoor recreational equipment, charitable giving, college and investing.  We have worked with our kids to build goals, have shared those goals with friends and family and seen them achieved.

For our kids, it has helped them deal with the impulse to buy everything they see, and given them a habit of achievement.  All kids should have that chance.

Rudy DeFelice, Founder and CEO of Kidworth, is the parent proud father of three great kids.  The DeFelice kids love toys, but they are also focusing gifts and earnings towards long term saving and investing.  Their experience led to the development of Kidworth, a free website enabling families to set meaningful financial goals and work towards their achievement, giving kids a head start in their financial lives.

Savvy Gal Spotlight: Eight Quick Tips to Raising an Adventurous Eater

By Nancy Tringali Piho

If you’re the parent of an infant or toddler, you may not have encountered Picky Eating… yet.  But a conversation with parents of an older child, visit to your daycare center at lunchtime, or evening out with your pre-school-age nephew may give you a glimpse of what’s to come… and it’s not always pretty!

Virtually every young child goes through some level of Picky Eating at one time or another.  Parents who have the kids who turn out to be “good eaters” will tell you that the key to successfully navigating these stages is to put firm and healthful eating habits in place from the beginning, and then stick to them, even when the going gets rough.

So if you want to raise children who know the difference between chicken nuggets and Chicken Cordon Bleu – and kids who don’t put up a fight every time every time a new dish or a vegetable is set before them – start thinking now, in the early eating days, about your food and dining choices.  It’s not too early to put these eight quick tips in place:

Sit Down!

Now is the time to teach that meals play an important role in our day.  Make breakfast-lunch-dinner definite sit down-to-eat occasions, even if it’s just for 10 or 15 minutes at a time.

Doesn’t This Look Good?

Talk it up! Comment on the yummy smells from the oven, or the how pretty and juicy the steak looks.  Little kids “eat with their eyes” just like adults do.

It’s a Dinner, Not a Diner!

And that means, no short order cooking!  From earliest eating days, children can and should eat what everyone else at the table is eating.

Focus on the Whole Meal

If you’re serving chicken, peas and rice for dinner, then Toddler should have chicken, peas and rice on her plate, too.  What if she scarfs down the rice and wants more?  Not until she has a bite or two of the rest of the items in the meal.

Spice it Up

Don’t be afraid to let Toddler sample spicier dishes, like those found in Indian or Mexican cuisines.  If it’s really too hot, stir a little milk or sour cream into his portion, so that he still gets the flavor of the dish, without the full effect of the heat.

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat

If at first Toddler doesn’t like spinach or Brussels sprouts or broccoli, try, try again.  Researchers have found that up to 15 separate introductions of a food may required before it will be accepted by some children.  Wait several days or weeks, but don’t drop the offending item out of the menu entirely.

Pour Out the Juice

Kiddie beverages all have one thing in common: they are sweet, sweet, sweet to the taste. Don’t start your little one off believing that drinks have to be sweet to taste good.  Stick to plain milk and water.

…And Nix the Other Kiddie Products

Children’s menus in restaurants, children’s cereals and snack foods, packaged toddler meals: If it’s a food product made for and marketed to kids, chances are, it’s going to be inferior in taste and flavor to comparable adult products.  Avoid these, and you will be way ahead in the game of preventing picky eating.

www.MyTwoYearOldEatsOctopus.com

Nancy Piho is the author of My Two-Year-Old Eats Octopus: Raising Children Who Love to Eat Everything, Nancy is a public speaker, and has appeared on numerous radio and television shows as a spokesperson for products and events. Nancy lives in Washington, D.C. with her husband and two boys, who love to eat octopus and just about everything else. For more information visit www.nancypiho.com.

Savvy Gal Spotlight: Winter Blues or Wishing You Were Single

By Barbara Hayes, MS, MFT ~

Not sure whether you are miserable in your relationship or just having a case of the winter blues? Seasonal depression or seasonal affective disorder (aka SAD) can have detrimental effects on more than just our mood and energy; it can affect our relationships as well. The symptoms of SAD include lower concentration, increased appetite and resultant weight gain, and an increased need for sleep and solitude. Clearly, these symptoms are not conducive to a happy relationship. It is probably not a coincidence that December is the month with both the least amount of daylight and the largest amount of divorces, at least in the northern hemisphere.

The theory is that decreased sunlight may be causing decreased serotonin in the brain, which creates feelings of depression. Females are more often affected by this disorder than males. In order to find out if you are affected by this disorder, it is important to be assessed by a medical professional. Many of us like to “cocoon” under our cozy comforter when the weather is frigid and wet. We may refrain from our daily jaunt when it is dark by the time we get home. Although reduced daylight and exercise may make us less energetic than usual, they don’t necessarily indicate that we have SAD. Recovering from the hectic and stressful holiday time can be a slow process for those with plenty of other commitments that keep them busy. Budgets are often bursting at the seams from trying to keep up the payments for all of the festive frivolities. Family harmony is a common casualty during this season and its aftermath. There are many factors that can play into possible mid-winter and/or relationship blues.

The keys to overcoming the negative factors of SAD are to get outside as much as possible, especially in the early morning (bundle up!), and get thirty minutes of exercise on most days. There are light bulbs that provide full-spectrum light, which is helpful in treating SAD. There is even full-spectrum light therapy that can be prescribed by a doctor. Although your body is craving the soothing comfort of carbs, you still need to eat a healthy, balanced diet. Participating regularly in your usual social circle and routines can elevate your mood and energy as well.

If you manage the negative seasonal symptoms and survived the holidays relatively intact emotionally and financially, but still feel disheartened or even defeated, then maybe the problem isn’t seasonal but is actually relational. You need to make a reasoned assessment of the state of your union. Think back several months or even a few years and get some perspective on your feelings before you decide to throw in the towel. The past is often the best predictor of the future. If there have been positive changes in your relationship over the last few or several years, then there will likely continue to be more positive changes. On the other hand, if things have been stuck or going downhill for a long time, then it may take a Herculean effort to get things moving in any positive direction. Only you and your well-functioning brain and heart are capable of deciding if that is an effort worth making. Just don’t mistake a lack of serotonin for a lack of love! The former is fairly easy to fix; the latter is dauntingly difficult.

Remember the days are already getting longer and spring is right around the corner!

Barbara Hayes, MS, MFT is a family therapist. Her new book, Beware of Dogs: How to Avoid Dating Disasters, helps women sort out which of their dynamics with their partner are petty problems that can be managed and which are potentially pathological issues that are warning signs that the relationship could be headed for disaster. You can visit her website at: www.howtoavoiddatingdisasters.com.

Savvy Gal Spotlight: Seven Facts About Eating Gluten-Free

By Andrea Stark, RD ~

Eating gluten-free is simpler than it used to be. Not everyone needs to follow a gluten-free eating plan. However if you need to follow a gluten-free plan, start with these basics:

1)   “Wheat-free” does not necessarily mean gluten-free. Gluten refers to the protein found in wheat, rye, and barley. A product can be called “wheat-free” and still contain rye, barley, or cousins to wheat such as Kamut, Spelt, Titicale (a cross between wheat and rye), Atta, Fu.

2)   Oats, oat bran, oat flour, oat groats, oatmeal are not allowed on a strict gluten-free diet.  Oats are typically contaminated with wheat and/or barley. For those diagnosed with Celiac disease, oats are to be avoided.

3)   Gluten can be a “hidden ingredient” in sauces, marinades, gravies, salad dressings, soups, prepared meats such as deli meats, hot dogs, hamburger patties), candy(such as licorice), some potato chips, flavored coffee and teas, some medications, some make-up (such as some lipsticks). Label reading is a must.

4)   Distilled alcoholic beverages and wine are allowed; Avoid beer, ale and lager made from barley.  Even though whiskeys, gin, many vodkas and bourbon are distilled from gluten-containing grains, the distillation process removes the gluten from the final product.

5)   Rice and corn are allowed on a gluten-free plan.

6)   Pure buckwheat flour is gluten-free. However some buckwheat flour may be mixed with wheat.  Read the label.

7)  Following a strict gluten-free eating plan is a must for those diagnosed with Celiac disease, also known as Celiac Sprue. When individuals with Celiac disease eat grains wheat, rye or barley, the small intestine surface is damaged, which can lead to poor health.  Celiac disease can occur at any age.  The only definitive test for diagnosing Celiac Disease is the small intestinal biopsy. Other tests are not 100% accurate.

Andrea Stark,RD, is a Consulting Nutritionist in Thousand Oaks. Contact her at andreasnutritionsource@gmail.com.

Savvy Gal Spotlight: Making a Frightful Family Holiday Fun

By Barbara Hayes ~

For many of us family holiday are about as much fun as invasive surgery. In fact, there is often an uncomfortable resemblance between the two; we may feel like we are being poked and prodded with metaphorical needles, tubes, or scalpels. After years of enduring these insults to our person, it is time to do something other than to sit there stoically, smile or sob sadly, or worse, become party to the proceedings by responding in kind. The last option usually results in a verbal (or worse) brawl, which is hardly anybody’s idea of a happy holiday.

Here are other options to consider in order to make your next holiday a happy one:

1.  Remember that it takes two to make a conflict. If your family member(s) like to tease, provoke, or put down others, there are effective ways to control this behavior. The first and simplest (if not the easiest) technique is to ignore their remarks by acting completely oblivious – never showing any sign of recognition or injury. This will eventually stop those remarks that are thoughtless and habitual, though not really vicious.

2.  If that doesn’t end the behavior, try to smile brightly and say, “Thank you” or “Okay” or something equally disarming. The message you are sending is: I know that you are trying to make me feel bad, but I won’t give you that power. They will get that message sooner (one hopes) rather than later and then look for someone else to victimize, since you are not giving them the reaction that they are looking for.

3.  If someone’s behavior is beyond petty putdowns and is actually abusive or bullying, then other steps need to be taken. First, it is important to consider what is provoking the abuser. If the person has gone through great difficulties – a job loss, an illness, the death of a loved one – naming the elephant in the room may defuse the bomber. By saying with genuine concern, “It must be hard to deal with ——–,” you may very well change the tone of their conversation from negative and nasty to kind and compassionate. Honest caring can open up flood gates of pent up frustration, sadness, anger, or grief. It can be stunning to see what a true act of kindness can bring about. Clearly, there is no guarantee that this will remedy the situation or will not backfire.

4.  If this approach does not bring about a change in attitude, then other tactics are needed. You still name the elephant, “I don’t understand why you say so many unkind/angry/bitter things, but you need to use gentler/kinder/constructive language if you’re going to make personal remarks.” This needs to be stated respectfully but firmly. If the situation is truly toxic, you should be prepared to state what you will do if that change does not occur, whether that is to terminate the evening early or the relationship permanently. This nuclear option also applies if your family/friends drink to excess or indulge in any other behaviors that are neither healthy nor tolerable to be around.

5.   If there are unpleasant issues that arise only intermittently during the holiday festivities, there may be simple ways to remove yourself temporarily from the scene. You can: go hang out in the room where the children are gathered for awhile; take a walk to get some fresh air and perspective; excuse yourself to lie down because you feel a headache coming on (which you may well); find one positive person to engage with so you can tune out the rest; take a few deep breaths and think, “This is just a bad soap opera on t.v. It doesn’t have anything to do with me. I can ignore it.” When you sense that the unpleasantness is over you can resurface and reengage.

So, go to the next holiday gathering with a new attitude: “I am going to have a lovely, calm holiday. I will not give anyone the power to make me feel bad. I love these people with all of their issues and idiosyncrasies; I am going to do everything that I can to let them know that. Only positive energy is going to come from me. I am grateful that I have family/friends to spend holidays with; many people are alone.”

Then smile as much as possible!! Research shows that there is a continuous loop between our facial expressions and our brain. When we smile our brain thinks that we feel happy which makes us smile more, which makes our brain think we are even happier, which…you get the idea. Even when it’s not easy to smile at first, just fake it until you make it! Which you will!

Use these techniques and make a commitment to yourself to have a Happy Holiday Season!

Barbara Hayes, MS, MFT, author of the new release, Beware of Dogs, is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She wrote this book to help women understand how to determine the difference between the petty issues that plague most relationships and the big red flags that the relationship is headed for disaster. In doing so, she incorporates both Western and Eastern psychological disciplines into her work.  Hayes attended University of California at Berkeley and Dominican University of California.  She is a proud mother, her ‘status’ is single and she currently lives in northern California.

Beware of Dogs: How to Avoid Dating Disasters is available for purchase as an eBook, hard cover and perfect bound soft back through Borders.com, Barnes and Noble.com and other book sellers.

Savvy Gal Spotlight: Excerpt from “Untangle the Knots Within”

Cynthia M. Andersen ~

The cold snap of 2006 was a winter in Colorado I do not want to relive. The snow and ice had not melted for a record sixty days, and the winter continued its cruelty into the first of the year 2007. The Greek god Boreas, the god of the Northwind, seemed to be very angry; there seemed to be no end to his antagonism. Coloradoans had not had a long, harsh winter in Denver since the snowstorm of Christmas 1982.  A winter’s chill provides plenty of time to stay within yoursoul, in isolation. You incessantly think and contemplate your past, present, and future. You ask without reservation, “Why am I here?” Then I find myself asking, “Why is she gone?”

On one of those dark winter’s nights, I decided to find a movie to watch. I have always admired Jodie Foster as an actor, as she is passionate and versatile. I clicked on a cable movie channel and found a film produced in the 1980s that she starred in with Kelly McGillis, another talented actor, titled The Accused.

It is a true story that is disturbing. In one of the first scenes, Jodie’s character was running down a street, yelling for help, with her clothes half torn off her body. She had been gang-raped at a bar just minutes before, and there were no telling

witnesses to help her. The raped woman subsequently fought in court to get the  perpetrators prosecuted, with the help of her lawyer, played by McGillis. Jodie’s character had to fight for herself with the help of the attorney who believed in her. No one in the community believed Jodie’s story.  The general belief in the community about what happened to Jodie’s character at that time was that she had asked for it, because of the way she was dressed and her behavior at the bar where it happened.

The movie took me back to a time when something happened to my family, a little over a week before 9/11. In those instantaneous thoughts, I had become the winter that I was experiencing. Entrapped in my own ice castle, I had ghoststo deal with in every part of my waking life.

My sister, Julie, was a quiet statistic as a questionable in police-custody death on Labor Day weekend, nine days before 9/11, when the Twin Towers disappeared into the depths of New York City.  Haunted by her death, I could no longer pretend life was normal. This movie, for whatever reason, became a defining moment for me. It made me face her exit from this earth in such a brutal matter. It also made me face up to the fact that I could not or would not let it go.

After Julie died, I tried so hard to get answers through working with attorneys, the media, lawmakers—that included the governor of Colorado—and representatives from a county that I thought was internal affairs. I only found that the

unresponsiveness from the majority of agencies I contacted, and whatever the responses that were made to me, were feeble attempts to cover their own backsides, or cover the real facts, or, they did not care at the time. All of it left me feeling almost as disheartened as when I found out my sister died. I felt caught in a web of never-ending questions.

I made a promise to myself that I would not give up. Her death, for me, as pointed out by a distant acquaintance, was like a sword in a fire that would melt and yield a new sword, and it would not be like the first one. I became a different woman. I decided that writing a book would give Julie a voice, which was now silenced forever.

I believe the events that lead to her death are a possible cover-up to hide mistakes and procedures by the initial responders. At the break of dawn, on an almost fall-like holiday weekend, a security patrol, six county sheriffs, and three men from the nearby fire station found her in an unsafe and reportedly drug-infested part of town with no clothes on. She was all alone. She was undone. I believe her controversial death minimized because of where and how she appeared analogous to Jodie’s character. I believe classified as a “subhuman” on the spot by county responders that found her and treated as such to the point that she began dying in their custody within eight minutes of their response call.

About the Author

Author Cynthia M. Andersen is a Colorado native, born and bred. She taught in Liberia, West Africa for over two years in the U.S. Peace Corp during the beginnings of the bloodiest civil war in Liberian history. (Years later, the horror stories of the 11-year war have been made into numerous documentaries and movies, such as Blood Diamonds.) Since then, Cynthia classifies herself as a “Jack of all trades, and a master of none.” She taught for a short time in Ft. Worth, Tex., worked as an airline attendant, tried out as a firefighter for a suburb in Denver, Col., worked for a public pension fund, completed graduate school in business and worked in sales for a mining company. Currently, she is seeking a new journey for healing and moving forward to help others. Cynthia loves to write poetry, read, walk, jog, golf and watch movies.  Of her sister’s untimely death, she says it “transformed her like a sword being made and coming out of a fire.”

Untangle the Knots Within is available at The Savvy Gal store, www.amazon.com, and www.barnesandnoble.com.