Savvy Gal Spotlight: The Holiday “Sandwich” ~ Tips for Those Parenting Children and Parents During the Holidays
By Donna Labermeier ~
Are you a certified member of the “Sandwich Generation?” Have you been placed in the position of “parenting” your aging parents while raising your own small children? Well, during the holidays, usually one of us is elected to be the hostess of the feast, and we all know how stressful and unnerving that day can become! So in order to keep calm and maintain your sanity, there are three very important things you can do to bring peace to your holiday festivities (without anyone else’s cooperation):
1) Be the Waterfall
Think of yourself as the top of a waterfall. You are the hostess of the family gathering and the one everyone is looking to for direction in setting the tone for the day. So are you going to cascade over your loved ones feelings of being frantic and overwhelmed or relaxed and comfortable? If you are not calm and centered, the older folks will become cranky and the children will start acting out and misbehaving. Your attitude affects their attitudes. They feel your energy spilling out over them. If it’s negative energy, you’re going to see a negative outcome. If it’s positive energy, you’re going to see a positive outcome. So slow down, take your time, and set a pace that allows you to enjoy the fact that your parent(s) are still here and can spend time with you and your children, and vice versa.…next year may be a different story….be thankful!
If you are constantly being bothered by your parents, children and others, the best way to have a peaceful day is to stop caring. This doesn’t mean you stop caring about the people themselves and their highest good, it means that you stop caring and investing your time in the things that they do. If we focus too heavily on the things we don’t get back from the people we care about, all of our attention will be on issues of lack. Give to yourself by taking a break from caring about what other people do. Giving becomes not a depletion, but a circulation of prosperous energy that, as we enrich others, continually enriches us.
Act out the holiday event in your head at least once in the days leading up to it. Envision your parents and children enjoying each other’s company and everything going smoothly in the living room, while you calmly and joyfully cook in the kitchen and set out the food in the dining room. Use as much detail as possible, and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
2) Stop Seeking Approval
Everything does NOT have to be perfect! It is no one else’s business to approve what we do and how we do it…including your parents. You are an adult with your own household. You are in charge! You are no longer a child. You are not your parents. You are your own true self. You are free to make your own choices and decisions. Seeking approval from them gets us into all kinds of trouble. We agree to do things we don’t want to do out of the fear that they may disapprove of us if we say, “No.” The joke is, they more than likely will never approve of a lot of things we do anyway that we don’t even realize, and they’re too busy seeking their own approval from you! So don’t give your “power” away to your parents or your children or anyone else, for that matter. Remember that you are always in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.
Don’t think about the past…you cannot change it, but you can change its effect on the present. We may be clinging to childhood beliefs or experiences that are no longer relevant to our lives or our destinies. We may have old wounds, but we are not prisoners of our pasts, slaves of our memories. We are free at any time to discard those belief systems and behavior patterns that belong to another place and time.
3) Trust in Yourself
Reserve the issue of trust for your relationship with yourself. Use your relationships with other people to teach you about love, honesty, growth, integrity and nonattachment. Trusting others is great in theory, but it’s almost impossible to put into practice. Why? Because most of the time we trust people only when they do exactly what we want them to do. When they act otherwise, we feel disappointed and think they can no longer be trusted. But true trust is not about relying on others to meet our expectations. True trust means learning to rely on ourselves instead, which will help us to accept others for who they are, not for who we want them to be.
Recognize who you are within. Be true to you above all others first and foremost. If we treat ourselves with kindness and compassion, then we will treat others that way, too. It is all very simple, yet very important.
During Autumn, view yourself as a leaf….sometimes we’re vibrant and colorful, sometimes we fall and hit the ground, but we always bloom and grow and start anew. So be still and let the wind carry you in whatever direction it wants you to go, and you will have great peace in your life.
About the author:
Donna Labermeier, a graceful member of the sandwich generation, bowed out of the corporate world in 2003 when her family needed her more than the banking community. She now runs a successful, happy home which includes two beautiful children and continues to be a professional student of life. Though she has studied spiritual development and energy healing for several years now, she received her Bachelor’s Degree in English Literature from Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee. The Healers, her first novel, is a result of Labermeier’s own healing and personal transformation.
The Healers can be purchased at Amazon.com as an eBook and paperback, on BarnesandNoble.com as an ebook and on TheHealers website.
Savvy Gal Spotlight: Take in the Good
By Dr. Rick Hanson ~
In your own mind, what do you usually think about at the end of the day? The 50
things that went right, or the one that went wrong?
In effect, the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones.
However, by tilting toward the good—toward that which brings more happiness and
benefit to oneself and others—you merely level the playing field. You’ll still see the
tough parts of life. You’ll become more able to change them or bear them if you take in
the good, since that will help put challenges in perspective, lift your energy and spirits,
highlight useful resources, and fill up your own cup so you have more to offer to others.
Here’s how:
1. Look for good facts, and turn them into good experiences.
Good facts include positive events—like finishing a batch of emails or getting a
compliment—and positive aspects of the world and yourself. Most good facts are
ordinary and relatively minor—but they are still real. You are not looking at the world
through rose-colored glasses, but simply recognizing something that is actual and true.
Then, when you’re aware of a good fact—either something that currently exists or
has happened in the past—let yourself feel good about it. So often in life a good thing
happens—flowers are blooming, someone is nice, a goal’s been attained—and you know
it, but you don’t feel it. This time let the good fact affect you.
2. Really enjoy the experience.
Most of the time, a good experience is pretty mild, and that’s fine. Simply stay with it
for 10, 20, even 30 seconds in a row instead of getting distracted by something
else. Soften and open around the experience; let it fill your mind; give over to it in your
body. (From a meditative perspective, this is a kind of concentration practice—for a
dozen seconds or more—in which you become absorbed in a positive experience.) The
longer that something is held in awareness and the more emotionally stimulating it is,
the more neurons that fire and thus wire together, and the stronger the trace in implicit
memory.
In this practice, you are not clinging to positive experiences, since that would lead to tension and disappointment. Actually, you are doing the opposite: by taking them in, you will feel better fed inside, and less fragile or needy. Your happiness will become more unconditional, increasingly based on an inner fullness rather than on external conditions.
3. Intend and sense that the good experience is sinking in to you.
People do this in different ways. Some feel it in the body as a warm glow spreading
through the chest like the warmth of a cup of hot cocoa on a cold wintry day. Others
visualize things like a golden syrup sinking down inside; And some might simply know
that while this good experience is held in awareness, its related neural networks are
busily firing and wiring together.
Try to do this steps at least a half dozen times a day. When you do, it usually takes
only half a minute or so—there is always time to take in the good! You can do it on the
fly in daily life, or at special times of reflection, like just before falling asleep (when
the brain is especially receptive to new learning). Over time these steps will add up,
gradually weaving positive experiences into the fabric of your brain and your whole
being.
About the Author
Dr. Rick Hanson is a neuropsychologist and author of Just One Thing: Developing
a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time. Founder of the Wellspring Institute
for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, and Affiliate of The Greater Good
Science Center of the University of California, he’s taught at Oxford, Stanford, and
Harvard, and in meditation centers in Europe, North America, and Australia. For more
information, please visit, www.RickHanson.net.
Photo credit: graur razvan ionut
~
Savvy Spotlight: Five Steps to Finding Your “Lucky” This Thanksgiving
By Rebecca P. Coniglio, LCSW ~
It is November, the leaves are falling, the days are getting shorter, and families are making their Thanksgiving plans. For me, I can close my eyes and the aroma of my mother’s house on Thanksgiving Day rushes over me. She always makes her famous mushy-mushy, what she calls stuffing and more food than our small family could ever eat, but just that is enough to spark a feeling of gratitude deep within my heart. I am a child of divorce, a title I have worn reluctantly since I was ten years old. Now, as a grown woman with a family of my own, holidays and divorce still stir-up a complex set of emotions. On one hand I remember the challenges my family faced when I was a child, especially during the holidays. On the other hand as an adult, I am full of gratitude for my past, present and hopeful for the future.
After my parents’ divorce, my mother tried to keep some of our family traditions alive, such as watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade in our pjs, but there was the nagging feeling of an empty chair at the table along with a helping of guilt and divided loyalties. That has subsided now, and I am better equipped to “find my lucky.”
This is something I have been practicing a little each day. To me it means stopping, taking a deep breath, and thinking about all the people and things I feel so lucky to have in my life. I believe this is a valuable exercise to do everyday and not just on Thanksgiving, but since on this holiday, most people slow down long enough to reflect on what they are grateful for, it can be a wonderful day to start, with the hope of carrying it forward throughout the year. I happened to have married a man who loves Thanksgiving, so I am grateful for that. He reminds me that the day is not about giving or receiving gifts or material things, but about family and food of course.
Here are some simple steps you can follow to help you and your family find what makes you feel lucky this Thanksgiving:
1. Define what it means to feel lucky. Help your children focus on all the positive things they have in their lives and not dwell on what they do not have.
2. Define what gratitude means and explore ways to express gratitude. For example telling people how you feel about them, saying thank you, helping others who are less fortunate.
3. Write or draw with your children about the special people in their lives that they feel grateful for.
4. Call or write letters to special relatives that may live too far to visit this Thanksgiving.
5. Go around the room and tell each family member what he or she means to you and why. Parents model this for your children and then encourage them to give it a try.
For parents who are separated or divorced, pay close attention to your children’s feelings and needs this Thanksgiving. Children can sense their parents’ anxiety and it can increase their feelings of anxiety. The best advice I can give based on personal and professional experience is; make sure the adults are acting like adults and allow the children to be children. As much as possible leave them out of any holiday stress. Help your children to understand that even though things are not necessarily the way they want them to be, you are still a family, and there will be days full of joy ahead. Your children may not be at the same Thanksgiving table as you or their other parent due to a divorce, but the day has the same meaning for all of you. You as parents can let your children know that you are grateful for them and be very assured that they feel the same way about you.
Take it from me, hold onto old family traditions and create new ones. Bridge your past and your present. That is why you will find me watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade, eating mushy-mushy, expressing my gratitude, and feeling every bit of my lucky!
Rebecca Perlman Coniglio received her Master’s Degree from the Columbia University School of Social Work. She is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice and works with children, adolescents and young adults, ages 5-25, who are facing such issues as loss, anxiety, divorce and depression. Her new book Lily’s Little Life Lessons is available at select Barnes and Nobles stores and online through BarnesandNoble.com and Amazon.com.
Savvy Gal Spotlight: The Familiar Faces of Breast Cancer
By Monique Reidy ~
At the risk of seeming slightly frivolous, I’ll confess that October is the month I stock up on all kinds of darling pink goods and appliances, confident that a portion of the costs of those products will somehow benefit breast cancer research. As shallow as that sounds, the “pink” campaign is actually enormously powerful and I reassure myself of that fact as I make my purchases. Beyond its mere merchandising and branding prowess, “pink” has had an amazing impact on the lives of countless women, many of whom have experienced its life-saving benefits.
Because we hear so much about the fight against breast cancer (much to the credit of so many hard-working services and volunteers), most of us know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And since these days none of us are devoid of media of any sort, we have learned to accurately associate that symbolic pink ribbon with the battle raging against one of the most dreaded diseases imaginable.
There are a number of prominent organizations in this effort whose names we easily recognize. Among them is the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, who we know because we’ve seen the “In It to End It” crusade ads. And we recognize the Susan G. Komen Foundation because of their compelling “Race for the Cure” drives. Such wonderful work, and such selfless dedication by a host of amazing people, but yet to those who have not been personally exposed to breast cancer, the disease to all intents and purposes, simply affects an anonymous mass of nameless women.
As effective as those proactive campaigns are, I seem to have been oddly desensitized by them. Unconsciously, breast cancer became a faceless, overpowering force that seemed like it was growing into a battle that would wage on forever without resolve. I lost sight of the face of the individual fighting for her life; she had unintentionally faded within the very ads designed to bring public attention to her cause. The woman afflicted with breast cancer had evaporated into that effective campaign that made me want the pink t-shirt and really cool pink mixing bowls every year.
But this year is different.
When a friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer early this year, the disease suddenly caught my attention. Witnessing her recovery after her double mastectomy was a lesson in courage and a demonstration of how a human being can rise above paralyzing fear and overturn a death sentence. A single mom of five kids, her determination to get better was fierce and it won. Suddenly, breast cancer had a face, a family and a story.
Today there are more than two million breast cancer survivors in the U.S., and modern medicine is a big reason for that success. We now know that early detection is key. And thanks to those charities, drives and campaigns, women are becoming more proactive and learning that some habits — like exercise and a healthy diet — may effectively reduce the risk of breast cancer. These organizations are providing literature that informs women about treatment options and the measures that may be used to help prevent breast cancer in women at high risk. While there are still casualties, there are now more triumphant survivors than there have ever been and with continued research there will be even more.
In celebration of this ongoing conquest we at TheSavvyGal.com salute all those who are wholly devoted to help find a cure for breast cancer, and we congratulate all those who have survived to tell us their wonderful stories of victory.
And that pink mixer at Williams Sonoma? I say buy it.
Savvy Gal Spotlight: From Stage IV to Center Stage
By Denise DeSimone ~
“You have cancer. You have a very serious, fast moving cancer and you need to do something about this immediately.” These were the first words I heard upon awakening after a “routine” biopsy to determine the pathology of the lump on the left side of my neck.
Given three months to live because of stage IV throat and neck cancer, to singing the National Anthem at Fenway Park, to riding my bicycle 87 miles for the Pan Mass Challenge in one day, raising over $11,000 for children’s cancer research, all in less than two years, is proof that the unexpected can be achieved.
For several years prior to that time I had studied and achieved certification in many alternative healing modalities; Reflexology, Sound Healing, Polarity Therapy, and became a Reiki Master. I suggested to my doctors I would be seeking treatment through these modalities until they made it clear, these treatments had better contain a miracle. According to them, without immediate treatment, I had approximately three months to live.
Chemo therapy along with rigorous radiation treatments were the protocol. Within two weeks a feeding tube was inserted into my stomach and all nutrition came by way of that tube for the better part of nine months.
I was determined to work with this cancer and approach it from a very different perspective. I didn’t look at this as most people do, as a “battle.” I think our culture makes a huge mistake in looking at “battling” cancer as opposed to embracing it. My cancer came as a teacher and a sage. Naming this cancer PIN- an acronym for Pain In the Neck, I gave it a pen and gave it permission to teach me. The lessons were rich and enlightening and taught me something deeply critical to healing…Self Love. When we love ourselves we don’t want to battle anything. When we love ourselves we allow our vibration to be in a place where we attract life at a higher frequency; a frequency that promotes healing on all levels, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Self love is the all-time greatest healer.
Early on I had to make a decision to either let myself die, or go through the rigors of hell to stay alive. During this discernment process I prayed often…“Should my life be spared, please let my life be used in a way that helps inspire others.” There is no doubt that my prayers were answered because on July 14th, 2007, just 22 months after my diagnosis, I sang the National Anthem before 35,000 fans at a Boston Red Sox game at Fenway Park. The exposure from just that one night touched thousands of people. And yes, God is using my life in a big way. I am constantly contacted to pray for and often counsel people who are struggling with cancer.
The trajectory of my life has shifted tremendously. I am an Interfaith Minister, an author, an inspirational/motivational speaker and I am blessed to be able to travel the country speaking and teaching workshops. I live in the moment — continually open to what God has in store for me. Every day is a gift and each day I open this gift with a heart full of gratitude.
About the author
Denise DeSimone is an ordained interfaith minister, an inspirational and motivational speaker and a singer. She is certified in multiple alternative healing modalities and is a wellness coach to cancer patients. DeSimone also created Pray Peace, a multimedia offering of personal and global peace. Currently, she resides between Greensboro, N.C., and Newburyport, Mass. From Stage IV to Center Stage is her first book. For more information, visit www.denisedesimone.com.
Savvy Gal Spotlight: Live Past Your “Limit”
By Ali Warren ~
I stumbled upon the job of firefighting at the age of 16. I say stumbled because at the time, it seemed like a random occurrence that I found myself in a fire house. In reality, it was the path I was always meant to walk down. I tackled that job with a passionate tenacity that came from knowing I had found what I was meant for, but I soon realized that things weren’t as they seemed. As I uncovered the truth about the culture I was now immersed in, I learned it wasn’t the dignified and professional atmosphere I had imagined.
I chased after my new dream of being a firefighter fiercely, and caught up with it deep inside this world of flashing lights and adrenaline. There, I found myself in a unique environment where I was the exact opposite of what was accepted. By their standards I was too short, too light weight, too dumb, and mostly too much of a girl. They told me that in order for my existence to be tolerated, I would have to conform to what they thought a young girl in a fire house should be. I am eternally grateful that at sixteen, I knew who I was and who I would never be. I knew I would never be one of those girls who got passed from guy to guy, just to be accepted, for instance.
The firefighters I was working with constantly forced me to re-establish myself. I was constantly asked to perform tasks I have never heard of before, in front of the entire company. I was taunted with punishment for rules that never existed until the day I “broke” them. When I walked through the station people silently moved out of my way, as if they got too close they would catch whatever disease I had that made me such a misfit. They placed the burden of our crumbling fire company onto my shoulders. They pushed me to within an inch of where I thought my limit was and then they pushed me past it. I have learned that past your “limit” is where true triumph really lies.
With the corruption and rampant sexism in the fire company causing division within the membership, the position of high esteem in which I held it began to disintegrate around me. The profession of firefighting, however, remained the brilliant beacon in the darkness, a compass pointing the way. I grew in relation to what was required of me. I became strong enough to carry my passion in the world that was trying to take it. After three years, I finally left when the safety of the community was compromised by the division within the fire company.
In 2007 I took a year off between high school and college to get myself back together. This was a year of struggle. I struggled with myself more than anything because they put so much doubt in me and my abilities in an attempt to make me leave. I struggled with a loss of self worthiness. The job that made me feel my worthiest had let me down. I gave firefighting my heart and my identity and when that world collapsed around me; my identity crumbled too.
When I was living consistently outside my comfort zone, I had one peaceful thought. Maybe the point to the entire struggle had nothing to do with me. Maybe the point to this story was simply to get through it, and be the person with these experiences so I can share them with others.
In 2008 I found myself in the city of San Francisco. Previously my mom had come across an article in Newsweek, detailing the career of Chief Joanne Hayes-White of the San Francisco Fire Department. I wrote her a rather desperate email asking for any type of guidance for how to survive as a female in the job. A few phone calls later, I found myself on a plane to San Francisco. The Chief had invited me to come out and spend a week with her and her firefighters, to see that women were accepted as firefighters and how a professionally run fire department operates.
In that beautiful city I found the pieces of myself that were still stuck in that first fire house. Those San Francisco firefighters welcomed me into their firehouses because I loved the same job they loved; nothing more, nothing less. Their warm smiles restored my faith in people. Now in 2011 with another visit to that city behind me, those relationships are now stronger than ever. I am being taught by game changers, true professionals.
After my first trip to San Francisco and during my first year of college I started writing what became Where Hope Lives, a memoir. I had hope somewhere deep inside of me that I could find a way to tell my story. Since typing that first line from my journal entries I found a new passion to dedicate myself to—sharing the story with other people. I self-published the story completely on my own and recently formed a publishing company, Hope Lives Publishing, which one day will bring other meaningful and inspirational projects to life. Because learning how to run this business requires all of my time, efforts, and finances, I am not able to fight fires with a station I can call my own, but that day will come again soon. Firefighting is with me always. I will forever love the job because it requires me to be nothing but my best.
I have been the first at something – the first young woman at my small town fire house to approach firefighting as a professional. It was extraordinarily demanding and sometimes the pressure seemed too great, but it was also the best and coolest thing imaginable. Instead of settling for the less-than-ideal standard of the people that had come before me, I was able to set the precedent for the people that will come next. Once I realized the power and gift of that situation, I was able to free myself from the many constraints of the stereotype forced on me as a young woman in the fire service. Maybe you aren’t the very first at doing what you love. But you can be the first to do it your way.
Desire is everything. What you believe in and your drive to do it matters. That will hold you up when societal pressures want to hold you down. Live in your belief. Dream of the places your passion will take you. Learn everything you can about it. Share your love with others in the biggest way. Find other people who inspire you. Ask them what keeps them going. Become your version of the best because it is the most rewarding way to make a place for yourself in the world.
Hope lives!
Ali Warren received her Associates Degree in Fire Science from Bucks County Community College in Pennsylvania. She now works sixty hours a week at two jobs in order to bring her new book, Where Hope Lives, to fruition. She plans to return to college to complete her Bachelors degree. For now, she plans to travel the country and share inspiration with others searching for ways to reach their dream. Where Hope Lives is available for purchase at AliWarrenHope.com as well as on Amazon.com.
Savvy Gal Spotlight: Six Shortcuts For A Stress-Free Summer
By Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW ~
“Summertime and the livin’ is easy” – so goes the classic Gershwin tune. However, if you’re already counting the days until the kids are back in school or if you’re overcome with heat, insects, and weeds, then stress might be getting the upper hand.
You need some help focusing on the special qualities that summer has to offer. Summer should definitely be about sunshine and picnics, lemonade and BBQs, pools and beaches.
The following six shortcuts, easily activated by the ordinary events in your day, will help put the easy back into your summer.
1. Bon Voyage
Trigger: When you’re washing your hair after a day at the pool.
Tool: Pour the shampoo in your hand and sniff the aroma. Close your eyes and inhale deeply. As you lather your hair, imagine yourself in a wonderfully pleasant faraway place. Maybe the fushion orchid and coconut milk will inspire a fantasy trip to the tropics. Or the ocean’s breeze will have you sailing on the high seas. Concentrate on the fragrance and let the experience take you away.
Purpose: Directing your attention to a pleasant fragrance calms your stressful thoughts and transports you to another place. Let your imagination match the smell and take you on a mini-vacation. With this aromatherapy, you’ll emerge from the shower peacefully restored and refreshed.
2. Now Hear This
Trigger: When you’re feeling overwhelmed by summer in any form: too much heat, too many garden chores, too many kids in the house, too many camp schedules to coordinate.
Tool: Stop what you’re doing, close your eyes, breath low and deep . . . and listen. Turn your attention to the sounds around you. Label each sound: dog barking, crickets chirping, kids laughing in the sprinkler, car honking. Just listen to life around you and sharpen your sense of sound.
Purpose: When you bring yourself into the moment and redirect your mind from your troubles, you become aware of the music of life all around you. This activity calms your body and creates a disruption to the cycle of annoying thoughts.
3. Big Sky
Trigger: When you’re packing up the car for an outing.
Tool: Look up to the sky . . . (how often do you stop and just look up?) Contemplate the vast space, details in the clouds, the colors. Imagine beyond the blue sky to our solar system and even beyond that. Imagine our galaxy as one of hundreds of billions of galaxies (really!) “Breathe” in the sky, “breathe” in the spaciousness, and then exhale slowly. Say, “The spaciousness above is mirrored within me.”
Purpose: This Shortcut opens you to the vast beauty of the sky, which reflects the spaciousness within you. With it, you remind yourself that you are a small but vital piece to the puzzle of our planet. This Shortcut offers perspective, reminding you not to sweat the small stuff.
4. Fair-Weather Friend
Trigger: Whenever you talk negatively about the weather or are reacting negatively to the current weather conditions (i.e. heat, rain).
Tool: When you catch yourself complaining about the weather, stop. Instead of joining in with the grousing, simply say, “Really? I love this weather.” Usually that produces a shock effect. If saying this feels like too much of an inauthentic stretch for you, then simply state a fact, such as “Yes, it has been raining for five days now.” If you cannot be positive, at least try to be as neutral as possible when describing the weather. Remember that all kinds of weather are necessary to keep this earth healthy.
Purpose: When we complain about the weather, we leach negative energy into our minds and bodies. Resisting something that you have no control over is futile. Making friends with ‘what is’ generates positive energy which spills over into your life as inner peace.
5. Go with the Flow
Trigger: When washing your hands after digging in the garden.
Tool: Whenever you’re at a sink and touch water, let the stream of warm liquid cue you to say, “I go with the flow” or “I trust the universe” or “I have faith in the flow of what is.” This exercise reminds you to let go and flow with the current of life.
Purpose: Swimming upstream is not only exhausting but usually futile as well. There is a wonderful feeling of peace when you give up resistance and let the current carry you. When you focus for a moment on water and your hands, you create a space within which resistance can dissipate. And warm water actually calms your body. This tool reminds you of the peaceful power of acceptance.
6. Rest in Peace
Trigger: When your head rests on the pillow at night.
Tool: As you are in bed starting to fall asleep, review your day and list three things that happened for which you are grateful. Don’t just vaguely remember each instance, but actively recall it and re-create the experience of it. Hold the feeling and think of yourself as a sponge, absorbing the memory in your body.
Purpose: This tool is a way of focusing your mind on positive emotions. By reflecting on moments of joy during your days, a habit of positivity grows, and you become increasingly more joyful and more peaceful. Cultivating this evening gratitude practice will definitely help you sleep better.
Use these six simple Shortcuts consistently through your summer days to cultivate a spirit of peacefulness, gratitude, and relaxation. Before you know it, you’ll be chillin’ in spite of the heat.
Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is a psychotherapist in southern New Hampshire and a self-help author. Her most recent book is Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Simple Paths to Everyday Serenity (Berkley Books). For more resources, visit her website atwww.ashleydavisbush.com.
Savvy Gal Spotlight: 5 Tips About Summer Camp Sexual Abuse
By Jackie Humans, Ph.D ~
Every summer approximately 10 million children will pack up their clothes, bedding and favorite pillows and head off to summer camp. Most will return home with wonderful memories of new friends and fun filled days. Some will return home with devastating memories that will last a lifetime – memories of being sexually abused. While no camp is immune from the possibility of sexual abuse, there are steps parents can take to ensure their child is safe.
1. Start Young
When teaching your child the names of body parts, use the proper terms for penis, scrotum, vagina and anus. The use of euphemisms can jeopardize your child’s credibility should they someday need to report abuse. Explain that these parts of their body are very private, and that no one should be touching them there unless that person has a legitimate reason (e.g., a pediatrician or early child care provider).
Because everychild molester asks their victims to keep the abuse between the two of them, teach your child that it’s never OK to keep a secret (unless it has an ‘expiration’ date, such as a surprise party) and that if someone touches their private parts they need to tell you or another adult (many camps forbid cell phones) immediately. And to keep telling until they get help. Even if someone just makes them feel uncomfortable when they’re nearby, they need to report that, too. Make it clear that no matter what another child or adult may tell them, they will never get into trouble for reporting.
Lastly, move heaven and earth to make sure that no adult is ever allowed to be alone and out of public view with your child. The only way abusers can do what they do is by having uninterrupted, private access to a child.
2. Screening the Camp: Questions to Ask
Are criminal reference checks done on all personnel? How many references do you require, and how do you check them?
What training do staff members receive about child sexual abuse?
How are campers made aware of what to do if they feel unsafe?
Under what circumstances are staff members allowed to be alone with a camper? (The answer needs to be: NONE!)
How does the camp monitor behavior of older campers with their younger peers?
Are at least two adult counselors assigned to sleep in each cabin?
Who is responsible for enforcing camp rules and regulations?
3. Characteristics of Potential Abusers
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reported in 2005 that 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are sexually assaulted before the age of 18. The vast majority of abusers, 90%, are male, and 71% of the time, the abuser is acquainted with the victim.
Whenever someone seems to be overly interested in your child, beware. Camps routinely forbid their counselors to babysit or spend time with campers outside camp precisely because a counselor who has had the opportunity to develop a close relationship with your child is in a position to have an undue amount of influence. Sexual predators tend to be masters at “grooming” their victims by insinuating themselves into their victim’s life and becoming someone the child likes and trusts.
What many parents don’t realize is that almost a third of sexually abused children are victimized by an older child. That’s why it’s important to know what the camp’s policies are regarding how much contact is permitted between different age groups and how well supervised the groups are.
4. Warning Signs of Sexual Abuse in Young Children
Trouble walking or sitting
Precocious awareness of sexual topics
Seductive behavior
Unprecedented shyness about getting undressed
Avoiding a specific individual for no apparent reason
Sleep disturbances
Bedwetting or soiling
Expressing concern about genitalia
Reluctance to go back to camp
Warning Signs of Sexual Abuse in Older Children
Unusual interest in or avoidance of sexual topics
Depression or suicidal thoughts
Self isolation, emotional aloofness
Hostility or aggressive behavior
Secretiveness
Seductive behavior
Sleep disturbances
Substance abuse
Reluctance to go back to camp
5. What to Do if You Suspect Your Child Has Been Abused
First and foremost, keep your true feelings hidden and remain calm and collected. It’s the most courageous and kindest thing you can do for your child. Research shows that the single most important factor in a child’s doing well after being abused is the steady emotional support of their parents.
Many times victims of child sexual abuse will wait years or decades before revealing what happened, and even then it’s usually only to their therapist. When asked why they never reported the abuse as a child, patients admit that sometimes the sexual stimulation of their genitalia was pleasurable and they always believed this meant the abuse was partially their own fault. That’s why it’s critically important to explain to a child that the abuse is never, ever their fault, not even a little tiny bit, no matter what.
Some children never report because they fear they won’t be believed, especially when the abuser is known and trusted by the family. Tell your child you believe them; children rarely lie about having been sexually abused. Acting as though you might doubt your child will only compound the psychological damage sustained from having been abused.
After your child has finished telling you what happened, praise them for confiding in you and let them know you realize it couldn’t have been easy. Then immediately notify the local authorities or call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1.800.4.A.CHILD (1.800.422.4453)
Conclusion
Child molesters are adept at manipulating their victims into believing that the abuse is the child’s fault, that they won’t be believed if it’s reported, and that they or someone they love will get hurt if abuse gets reported. By letting your child know their private parts are off limits to others and that they will never get in trouble for reporting, that it’s never OK for someone to ask them to keep a “forever” secret, and by not allowing any adult to be alone with your child, you’re making your child far less vulnerable to predators who know how to exploit the naivete of children.
Dr. Jackie Humans is a graduate of the Workplace Bullying Institute, the only organization in the United States that trains individuals how to present anti-bullying programs for bullying in the workplace. She worked with Child Abuse Prevention Services (CAPS), a nonprofit organization that sends volunteers into schools to present programs about keeping kids safe, during the years 2004 through 2009. She is a well-known speaker and program leader on subjects such as bully prevention, Internet safety, sexual harassment, date rape and child abuse. She is the author of “15 Ways to ZAP a Bully!”
Savvy Gal Spotlight: Allow Challenges to Strengthen, Not Defeat You!
By Deborah Fairfull ~
Sometimes life is full of unexpected twists and turns. Through it all, the one thing that is always constant and stable is you!! You are your own best friend—capable of triumphing in whatever life may present to you. Yet it is common during challenging times to feel that the situation reflects on you personally, affecting your confidence, emotional stability, health and ability to move forward in life.
The good news is that it is possible to regain control and create the life that you desire. In my personal experience, I have found that this is possible by changing my perception rather than the situation. Due to our reactive world, anxiety and depression are increasing globally. The World Health Organization states depression as the leading cause of disability (2011).Greater awareness of how our inner world affects our outer world will collectively give us the ability to turn these statistics around.
Your mind and body, reflect your thoughts, beliefs and attitudes. If you end up in situations you do not desire (such as physical and mental disease), despite your best efforts, this can indicate your unconscious thoughts, beliefs and attitudes are running the show. However, if you learn to go beyond the mind in terms of unconscious and reactive behavioral patterns, you can live from a conscious state of awareness.
Clues to awareness are:
- You are able to observe your thoughts and feelings; meditation for 20 minutes every day helps to develops this skill.
- Your mind feels neutral (no stress), calm, still and receptive.
About 10 years ago I was living the most idyllic life I could imagine. I owned a multi-million dollar dream home, near the park and beach. I had beautiful children, a successful business and wonderful friends and family. On the outside everything looked perfect. In hindsight, I realize that I was always unconsciously carrying feelings of anxiety and stress. These inner feelings ultimately led to my life taking a turn for the worse. My husband and I lost the majority of our material wealth, and we separated under the pressure. This forced me to look at my internal world and rebuild my life in a more conscious, stable way.
At the time I couldn’t understand how I went from having so much to losing the things that were important to me. I became depressed and found it difficult to difficult to function on a day-to-day basis (then with three children under six); everything was such an effort! The combination of kinsesiology, counseling, yoga and eastern and western philosophies, helped me to make sense of my thoughts and feelings. I realized that my unconscious fears had landed me in the exact situation I didn’t want!
Yes, I had been successful in terms of material wealth, but only because I had worked incredibly hard. I discovered that I had the unconscious belief that it was only when I struggled and strived, was I worthy of success. This approach is exhausting and not sustainable in the long run!!
I discovered I also had a HUGE unconscious fear of losing my dream home (which had happened to my parents when I was younger), so despite my best efforts, I was unconsciously recreating history all over again!
Back then I was always slightly stressed and anxious, trying to keep my life together in the way that I wanted. I unconsciously feared that something was going to go wrong and so it did.
I now know that I am enough. Expressing my gifts and talents in a joyful, effortless way is my birthright – and I am worthy of success, just because I’m me.
I know that I will always live in the right home for me, surrounded by love and laughter. I can create a joyful existence anywhere. I flow with life. After four years, I reunited with my husband to create an even better marriage based on a more conscious approach.
I now understand that:
- RELAXING my mind and tapping into the loving awareness within, is how I know that everything will be okay. I have trust and faith in my future—even though I do not know what it looks like right now!
- When I stop trying to control everything based on stress and worry, I flow with life. Often my future works out better than I could have imagined.
- When I let go of my “mind-made” anxieties and worries, I open myself to co-creating with a force far greater than myself—The Universal Intelligence field (also known as Love, God, Tao or Intuition). It is always there to guide me on the right path, when I remain open and let it.
After years or even generations (due to emotional patterns, passed down from family to family) of stress, worry, depression, anxiety and illness, it is possible to turn your mental state around from entrapment to freedom.
At the time my life was turned upside down, I couldn’t understand why. Now I realize this was just part of my journey to becoming more aware. It has given me the opportunity to work on my unconscious patterns, many of which were generational to create a new way of being for my family and myself.
Unconsciousness is a step on the journey to consciousness. We need to understand the duality (opposing forces, such as happy and sad for example) in our life before we can embrace our inherent beauty and oneness.
Going beyond the constructs of the mind and consciously living in an expansive loving state, is how we will evolve—anxiety, depression and stress will be a thing of the past, just as small pox, no longer threatening our well-being. Making our mind our friend, rather than letting it rule us, will allow us to transform the world to a place of love and beauty.
Live joyfully, nurture your spirit, value yourself, find courage, express wisdom; use your compassionate voice—we are all on this journey together.
Deborah Fairfull has been both a student and teacher of psychology and philosophy for over 20 years and is the author of Bliss Every Day: A Practical Guide to Find Peace and Happiness (available on amazon.com). For more information, visit www.Deborahfairfull.com or follow her on Twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/deborahfairfull.
Savvy Gal Spotlight: Why Your Kids Want Everything, Why That’s Good, & What To Do About It
By Rudy DeFelice ~
Let me guess: your otherwise balanced and well adjusted child has a limitless craving for stuff. Everything seen on a commercial, appearing in a kids’ magazine or in a colorful box in a store creates a desperate need. They ask and ask and ask, and tiring of saying “no” all the time, you relent. And the cycle continues. Buy. Rinse. Repeat.
Why That’s Good
The good news is that your child is exhibiting perfectly healthy, adaptive behavior. Think about it from her perspective. She asks for stuff, and sometimes she gets it. If she doesn’t ask, she usually doesn’t get it. Lastly, there’s no downside to asking. That’s the formula. So the rational, appropriate learned response is to ask all the time. If your kid does that, he or she is learning appropriately. That’s good. Of course, all this desire and consumption is not helpful long term – it develops bad habits toward spending and consumption and fills our homes and lives with waste.
What To Do About It?
What’s missing in the above dynamic is a counterweight to immediate consumption. Remember, where there is no cost to asking, and there is a perceived benefit, constant asking and bad long term habits are the results.
You can help your child by introducing an alternative into the equation. We’ve found that a goal that the child has adopted can be more compelling than an impulse purchase, and will be very effective in helping the child control the urge to consume.
Let’s say that your boy wants a new bike. He sees a picture of that bike and knows what needs to be saved to get it. Each week part of his allowance goes toward the bike, and on his birthday friends and family contribute to his goal. He sees a progress meter getting close to the goal and he gets engaged in challenge. It is a game in its own right.
That goal serves several purposes. One, it introduces a choice into the act of asking for something. If resources are used to buy small things on impulse, it takes away from progress on the larger goal. Secondly, it fills a gap in the child’s mind; even if something is not being bought right now, they are still earning something they really want through saving. Lastly, it develops good habits. Kids that learn to acquire what they really value, rather than whatever they come across, will be more successful and responsible adults.
There is No Opting Out
Make no mistake that there is a large, sophisticated part of the economy relentlessly trying to reach your children through advertising, packaging, product placement, etc., sending the message of constant consumption. The decks are stacked heavily against kids and families trying to develop a healthy relationship with money.
Those influences reach anyone that is part of our culture. Therefore, if parents don’t give kids a system to deal with these issues – if families don’t step in to provide a child’s values, those values will be supplied for them. A child’s greatest asset is to use some system that helps them consider their values, and set and track goals consistent with those values. If the family is not steering the ship, someone will steer it for them.
Using a System To Help Kids Develop Financial Skills
The good news is it is easy (and free) to use a system to consider meaningful financial goals, and monitor and track those goals. Kids can focus their “earnings” (gifts, allowance and earnings from chores) towards things they find meaningful and consistent with the family’s values. In my case, my kids are saving for outdoor recreational equipment, charitable giving, college and investing. We have worked with our kids to build goals, have shared those goals with friends and family and seen them achieved.
For our kids, it has helped them deal with the impulse to buy everything they see, and given them a habit of achievement. All kids should have that chance.
Rudy DeFelice, Founder and CEO of Kidworth, is the parent proud father of three great kids. The DeFelice kids love toys, but they are also focusing gifts and earnings towards long term saving and investing. Their experience led to the development of Kidworth, a free website enabling families to set meaningful financial goals and work towards their achievement, giving kids a head start in their financial lives.
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