The Career Connection: Your Soul Purpose ~ Know if You’re Stuck in the Mud
By Melissa Evans ~
The term sole purpose is one I use in the business world. When a company is totally focused on how they can be of the utmost service, they become focused on fulfilling their sole purpose. A company’s sole purpose can also be its soul purpose. Providing the utmost service as a company means providing the utmost service to each individual who buys the product or uses the service provided by the company.
For example, when Bill Gates founded Microsoft, his sole purpose was to place a personal computer in every household in the world. His sole purpose was also his soul purpose as he recognized that personal computers would enhance the lives of everyone who had one in their home. He understood the value of his gift, not only because of what he stood to gain personally, but also because of the potential it created for others to gain too.
When you’re living your soul purpose, you feel passionate about what you do and you have an energy about you that radiates from you and let’s people know that you love what you do.
Things that might indicate that you’re not in your soul purpose and it’s time to move on include:
1. Heart palpitations; a feeling of being anxious to move on.
2. Feeling heavy every morning as you get up and get ready for work; hitting the snooze button on your alarm over and over!
3. Dreading going to work.
4. Little things at work that may normally have gone unnoticed begin to get on your nerves.
5. You know there’s something missing and you know you have something more to give, you’re just not sure what that something is.
The amount of time you spend in a job and the energy you feel when you’re in that job can be likened to the changing seasons in nature. When seasons change, you feel a change of energy. When your energy changes in your job, it marks the end of your season there and it’s time to move on to the next one.
If you’re not in your zone; if you’re not meant to be there, it’s not something you should view as a bad thing but it’s something you must recognize and do something about. You must take steps to move on. When it feels like work, it’s not your soul purpose.
When you’re in your soul purpose, you will still be working but you’ll be so passionate about what you’re doing that it won’t feel like work. Moving on might mean setting up your own business and working for yourself. In most cases, someone working for themselves will work far harder than someone working for someone else, but they will feel energized by what they’re doing because they’re doing what they’re destined to do. When you’re working for someone else, especially in a large organization, you generally have only one aspect of the business to focus on, but when you’re starting your own business, you need to have an understanding of every aspect of your business. The demands can be greater yet you will feel charged by the experience.
When you’re living in your soul purpose, you’re passionate about it so you share your gifts with other people. You’re driven, but not in an egotistical way, to look for ways to help others. Your mind is divine and whatever your gifts are, the things you need to help you make use of those gifts and serve in your soul purpose will come to you. When you know that those things are coming your way, you’re open to receiving them and you’re also open to recognizing what you’re destined to do next at each stage in your journey. You recognize what it is you need to do and you work at it every day but it feels right.
When you love what you do, you will initiate getting the energy you need to do what you do really well, jump out of bed in the morning already thinking of other ways you might serve and anticipate what you need to do to make a difference. When you’re passionate about doing something, you become unstoppable.
Melissa Evans, also known as the “Guru of Implementation,” is a no-nonsense dynamic speaker, author, and business advisor who helps business owners and business executives become more profitable while staying true to themselves. As a founding member of The Broshe Group, she coaches, consults and mentors entrepreneurs on how to make a six-figure income within a 12-month program, while decreasing stress and increasing fun and freedom in their lives. Find out more about The Broshe Group’s business consulting, corporate mentoring, business coaching and “10 Minutes to Success” programs at http://www.broshegroup.com.
Savvy Gal Spotlight: Not My Little Angel ~ Is Your Child the Class Bully?
by Jennifer Kelman ~
All of us believe that our child, who is sweet and lovable at home, behaves and shows the utmost respect while at school. Most parents are horrified and downright defensive if they are told that their child is the one who is descending upon the other kids with a controlling blow. Not my little angel is a common thought among parents who may receive this news from teachers or school administrators.
1. Bullying is about power and control. It is often the case that children who are bullying others in school are feeling powerless and out of control. It is common for them to feel unacknowledged or that somehow things are just not fair to them. Parents may scratch their heads as they can’t understand that their child would feel any of those things, but it is a good idea to check in with your child to see how they are feeling. Even if they have a hard time expressing themselves to you directly, pay attention to how they are communicating with you and with others. Are they responding to most things anyone says feeling criticized? Do they put others down or correct them constantly? When feeling frustrated do they look to others to blame for their feelings or frustrations? These could be warning signs that your child is feeling a bit out of control.
2. Bullies tend to lack empathy. One of the hardest things for any of us to acknowledge is our child not showing any empathy toward others. Empathy develops at a young age and is crucial for the overall development of a child and then an adult. Children who are bullying may show signs indicating that they are lacking in this area of development. They are unable to feel how they may be hurting this other child by their taunting, teasing or sometimes even physical violence. As parents and educators it is our job to encourage empathy while pointing out the feelings of others. Sometimes a simple example of “put yourself in their shoes for a moment” helps the child to begin to feel what it might be like for the other child and it could open up a dialogue about what your child might be feeling that is causing them to exert this power over others.
3. Children who live in chaotic homes may be more prone to becoming a bully.
While not all children who live in homes where things are chaotic due to divorce or unstable relationships become bullies, many of these kids do have the potential as it may be the only area they can exert some of their own control or express their feelings of anger or frustration. These kids may not have the appropriate outlet to express their feelings of pain or anger and so they take it out on other kids who are perceived to be weaker.
4. Bullying may increase social status.
This almost sounds counter-intuitive, but many times the bully increases their social status among classmates as they dictate the social norms for others around them. Others fall in line with what the bully says or does for fear of facing the ridicule for not going along with the prescribed way of being. This is common among girls prescribing the “right” clothing to wear or the latest haircut. This can be especially tough for classmates who may not be able to have the material things that are being prescribed in order to have that social status and may be ripe for being bullied.
5. Social media sites are easy outlets for the bullies to exert their power. With the advent of the Internet and the ever increasing use of social media sites, kids are communicating mainly though these means. Even though they are not anonymous these sites do provide a false sense of anonymity while posting. Kids feel freer to say anything they want without realizing the impact of their words. There are instances when entire pages are created in order to defame and demoralize another individual. These spread like wild-fire and the recipient of these becomes open to more ridicule by others whom they may not even know. As a parent it is crucial that you monitor the sites that your children are on and pay attention to the content of their posts.
Even though it may be difficult and potentially devastating to learn that your child may be the class bully, it is crucial that it is not waved off as just a stage. Bullying behavior that is exhibited at a young age can be a life-long way of relating unless it is taken seriously and things are put in place so that your child can begin to express themselves in a more appropriate manner.
Jennifer Kelman has a BA in Sociology from American University and a Masters in Social Work from New York University and has worked with children in a variety of psychiatric and medical settings. She is the Creator of Mrs. Pinkelmeyer, who inspires self-esteem in children through her love, warmth and silliness and author of the new children’s book, Mrs. Pinkelmeyer and Moopus McGlinden Burn the Rrrrump Rrrroast, available on Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, Booksamillion and www.MrsPinkelmeyer.com.
Healthy, Fit & Fabulous: Small Steps = Real Achievement
By Chaton Anderson ~
How are your health and fitness resolutions going? We all fall into the hype, succumbing to that undying urge to change our life and make it the best year ever. Each year, we set lofty goals, mostly unrealistic, about how we’re going to get in the best shape of our life, achieve our ideal weight, learn six foreign languages, quit every bad habit and be able to leap buildings in a single bound.
Then there’s the aftermath—a few weeks pass, or even a few days, and you fall off the proverbial wagon. You sneak in a hamburger, cigarette or candy bar while missing that boot camp or cross-training class you pledged eternal allegiance to on January1. It’s destined to be, so why fight it, right? Wrong.
Why not resolve to dump the unrealistic resolutions and set some realistic goals for yourself? If you genuinely want to affect change in your life, which every one of us is entirely capable of, then the best thing to do is aim for gradual change. Setting manageable goals allows you to avoid the depressing failure of not reaching ridiculous ones. You’ll be able to measure results easier and the rewards will be lasting.
Start by setting specific, attainable goals with realistic timeframes attached. For example, if you want to lose 15 pounds by that June wedding that you’re in, your immediate goal should be “lose five pounds by March 10.” That sets you on a healthy, realistic schedule to lose five pounds a month until June. Or if you’ve always wanted to run a marathon, your goal might be, “Run 10 miles without stopping by March 15.”
If you haven’t exercised in two years and are ready to start again, instead of setting several targets that are extreme for you, kick off with a single modest goal: work out for 15 minutes a day, three days a week. Each week, add five minutes to the total. By the end of one month, you’ll be working out 30 minutes per day and will be ready to add another to the schedule. This is entirely manageable, won’t shock your body and will absolutely garner results.
Many personal trainers agree that impractical goals should be replaced with simpler objectives, while some advise to go completely against the grain when planning for a fitness transformation. Trainer Bing Dinh of Body Mind Architects (www.BodyMindArchitects.com), who has trained clients ranging from pro athletes and the Santa Monica SWAT Team to housewives and children, suggests a unique approach to his clients. “I tell my clients to focus on the present. Just take a breath and do a rep, take a breath and run another step, or take a breath and do another pose,” Bing says. “By the end of the week, you’ll be surprised at how far you have gone and how much you have accomplished.” It makes sense that a simple mindset shift can affect your physical performance and results.
Think about all the possible obstacles to your goals and come up with solutions. If finances are limiting you from joining a gym, then work out outside. Go on walks, runs, bicycle rides or take up surfing, roller skating, skateboarding, whatever you like. There are reasonable outdoor group workouts like BMA’s Venice Beach workout that can help you stay inspired and give you instruction. Or buy a few pieces of equipment like a Balance Ball, Medicine Ball and resistance bands—that’s all the gym you need.
Then it’s time for the fun part—creating rewards. Make sure to give yourself props by allowing a treat for each goal you achieve. Whether it’s a new pair of jeans, a trip to the movies, dinner at your favorite restaurant or a vacation, all you need is something to look forward to so that you stay inspired and motivated. The key ingredient is to make sure it’s one of your favorite things to do or something you really want, not someone else’s big desire.
Be your own alchemist this year—you have all the power you need to change into your very best version of you.
Chaton Anderson is a Writer, Filmmaker and Fitness expert, as well as a product and pop culture addict. She is always looking for the coolest, hippest things on the market, as well as the newest health and fitness trends to hit the scene. E-mail her at Chaton@FusionIntegrated.com with questions or leads on products and services on the cutting edge.
Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ My Biological Clock is Ticking
Dear Dr V ~
I’m 31 years old, and all of a sudden I feel like my biological clock is ticking. I’ve been single for a year, with no real relationship prospects on the horizon. While I’m OK with that, I am concerned about the possibility of me having kids. My career is still uncertain, as I said my love life is kind of dormant, but I feel like kids would be something certain I could count on. And I think I’d be an awesome Mom. I find myself daydreaming about what it’d be like to be a Mom. I’m even considering alternatives to the traditional way to start a family, like getting a sperm donor or even adoption, what do you think?
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
What do I think? I think you need to go easier on yourself and relax. Without a doubt being a parent and raising kids is one of the greatest boons of life on this planet, but it can also be stressful and exhausting. It sounds like you are in a period of major transition in your life, personally, professionally, and yes, biologically. We’ll get to the first two in a moment, but I would like to say that as far as your “biological clock goes,” it’s nowhere near ticked out. While it is true getting pregnant becomes more of a challenge as a woman gets older, you probably still have several years before that should become a major concern, if it ever even becomes one. That is unless you’re smoking, drinking heavily, doing drugs, truly overweight (a doctor’s definition of overweight, not the media’s) or otherwise not taking care of yourself (I hope you’ll keep yourself healthy regardless of what happens).
As you said, you’re single and currently unsure what path lies ahead for you in your professional life. As you are still young (despite what our youth-obsessed culture might have you believe), that’s a perfectly reasonable place to be in. However, while this place of uncertainty may work well for one thrity-something woman, I do not see it working well for a thirty-something single mommy. That is by no means a dig at devoted single-moms (there is not enough that can be said about how hard they work) but I do think it would be incredibly ill advised to introduce a child into such an unpredictable atmosphere if it could be avoided. I believe if you pursued sperm donation, adoption or what have you, the end result would be the exact opposite of what you now seek. Your life would be even more chaotic and stressful, now with the added immense burden of being responsible for the life of another person; a person who, as cute and cuddly as they may be, will also be dependent on you for every aspect of their existence. There will be no breaks, no days off. And you are not allowed to lose your cool in front of them. Still sound like the portal to stability and serenity?
Now of course I’m not saying parenthood is an infernal torment or that you should give up on your pursuit of motherhood. However, it might be worth taking a closer look at why you are now feeling these maternal pangs.
I think perhaps you may have created a mythological ideal in your head that becoming a mother will somehow make you stable. Could it be that you see your own mother (or mothers in general) as figures of stability and strength and perhaps want what they have: Stability? I say this not to discredit the stirrings of your maternal instincts, but rather to suggest that it could be that other things lurking in your emotional ocean are causing more of an upwelling of this want for a baby than you would have felt were they not there.
What I suggest is not to give up on your pursuit of grounded strength (I wouldn’t be much of a therapist if I didn’t encourage people to pursue that in their lives), but rather to adjust your perceived path to the Promised Land, as it were. Perhaps you could direct these nascent nurturing instincts you’ve been feeling inwards, towards yourself. It may be that the solution you are looking outside of yourself for, actually lies within. You mentioned your career isn’t doing much. Could it be that’s because you’re in the wrong career? Are you excited and passionate about what you’re pursuing in your professional life, or simply paying the bills? For many of us just paying the bills would be a luxury, and I’m certainly not advocating for financial irresponsibility. However, as you are blessed to be responsible to nobody but yourself at the moment (an advantage of being a non-parent) you can elect to take calculated risks at this time, such as changing jobs or really taking some time for self-discovery. Risks that, were you responsible for a child, would of course be out of the question.
In other words, take advantage of the fact that you’re on your own right now. You are beholden to none but yourself, you’re young, and you’re smart. Give yourself some time to figure out just exactly what it is you want from life and who you are before making that commitment of all commitments: motherhood. I can tell you this, if you do need to make any major changes in the course of your life, it’s a lot easier when you’re the only one in the boat than when there’s a little passenger riding along with you.
With Love and Light,
Dr. V
Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall
Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.
Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.
The Cool Communicator: Dealing with Adult Bullies
By Erik Fisher, Ph.D, (AKA Dr. E…) ~
My wife and I are part of a condominium association, and we traveled to where our condo is for the annual meeting. This year the meeting was well attended, more so than in previous years, because of the activity that had occurred throughout the year on the part of the manager of the property management company. One of the issues is that this “manager” is also the developer, lives on site and keeps the place looking nice. He has quite a large sense of entitlement and an apparent ego to go with it; however, it was his ethics that began to be called into question. Often with a sense of entitlement comes the belief that we are worth more than others and therefore deserve more than others. This can lead to the slippery slope that we see so many slide down, similar to the Bernie Madoffs of the world.
The reputation of this manager is that he bullies, intimidates, shames and humiliates others to get his way. He also has been known to manipulate facts and information to his benefit. At this meeting, he began by commanding, “This is my meeting,” when it was truly not his meeting, it is the meeting of the owner/members. Here began the onslaught of bullying, manipulation, probable lying and self-serving obtuseness in a five hour rant that promoted his arrogance and ignorance. There were some that spoke up, but almost as quickly as they spoke up, they became silent again, almost fearful of retaliation, if not from him, then from others supporting him.
So you may be thinking that Dr. E… has a beef with this guy… Yes I do, but I have a bigger beef with how people responded to him, including myself. That is what I want to address. Here is my concern. In the world we live in, we are crying for change. We live in a world where there are egregious abuses of power from our families to our schools, to our government, to our board rooms. But when it comes down to it, too many times we don’t step up when we have the chance.
Bullies Everywhere
Bullying is a problem that is gripping not just our children but all of us as a collective society. What I saw at this meeting was a bully, and I saw people from many walks of life taking it and some also feeding it. Mind you, these are successful people, lawyers, doctors, business owners, mothers, fathers…and no one stood up to say, “Enough.” People knew that what he was saying was not true, but they did not challenge him. What’s worse is that after this manager bullied his way through the meeting, he then called for the vote to re-elect himself as manager, and people let it happen and then re-elected him as manager. Even when I went to the board to ask them to stop the vote, they did not. After all, this was not his meeting. It was the meeting of the condominium association.
Why did no one speak up, and why does this happen time and again? I believe it is fear. Fear of being wrong, fear of being attacked, fear that we may lose something, fear of what others may think of us, fear of the consequences if the bully “wins.” Even at the core of every bully is fear, which is why they behave as they do. Fear does have a positive side, in that its job is to protect us from harm, but in many circumstances it is out of balance. What do we all stand to lose when we let the bully “win?” Everything!
From Victim to Victor
I believe that this action of not confronting only reinforces this behavior in all of us. In the bully it reinforces the idea that he/she can continue to act as he/she does. In his “victims” it reinforces the belief that they are powerless. The truth is that no one can take our power away unless we give it to them. I believe that we can be victimized by others, but I believe even more that we often remain victims by choice. This is just one example of what goes on around us every day and it has been happening for millennia, which is why people feel so helpless to change it. I believe that there is a further potential for us to seek a higher standard and more empowered outcome.
People often want to excuse bullying behavior when the “bully” is good at what they do in their skill set. To me, it is not a matter of how good a job a person does when they are not in integrity and they do not treat others with respect. There is no excuse for this behavior, and we, as individuals and a society should not have to endure the entitlement of others, that’s what got us into this mess.
No matter how old we get, we still feel like little kids inside. Well, so do the bullies. The bully’s behavior is no more than a temper tantrum to gain control of others. People bully others because they have something to hide: insecurity, inadequacy, lies, fears, failures… and too many times we do not see through them. When we don’t challenge these issues, we are lead like lambs to the slaughter. Is that the bully’s fault? No. We choose not to see and/or we choose not to act. I chose not to act more assertively that day, and I wish to not make that choice again. What will you choose?
So I think we all can say that we have been bullied in our lives. Some of us fight back, and many of us don’t. In my last installment, I discussed the potential consequences of not standing up and speaking out. Standing up to the bully does not have to be with a fight, and does not have to be done alone.
To understand our reactions to bullies, as kids or adults, we have to go back in time. We may not want to realize it, but as I stated in the last installment, we often feel like kids when we feel bullied. Bullies also often isolate and divide to conquer. When you think about your past, how many times did you feel singled out by a bully? Even if you were part of the crowd, the bully would often point out flaws in different people, and too many times we just felt happy when it wasn’t aimed at us. Did we want to say anything that could possibly bring their site to be aimed at us? No.
So, just what can we do to support ourselves and not leave others out to dry?
Step 1: Don’t pick a fight back with bullies. They can become unpredictable, and the more they feel that they may be losing a conflict, the more erratic they may become. There are also those circumstances that bullies shy away from a confrontation, but then that can deteriorate to the victim becoming the bully and kicking the bully when they are down. Bullies don’t often need to be “taught a lesson”; they often became bullies because they were treated harshly in the past. Even if they have lived a life of entitlement, running roughshod over others, it is important to model the behaviors you would appreciate in return.
Step 2: Become clear on what you are really feeling: fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment, humiliation, failure… whatever the emotions are, you want to be clear on what is going on within you before you try to address the issue. If you need to write these out to become clear about it, it is a valuable exercise. Ask yourself, “What age(s) do I feel?” and really spend some time on this. Help yourself to see that you are stuck in other situations, and it is these parts of you that are reacting to the present situation, often not the “you” that is in the present. When we understand that our emotions are often stuck in past issues, we can make more knowledgeable choices on how to behave in the present.
Step 3: If you have time, script out what you might want to say and/or role play with someone. Make sure the person that is role playing the bully is willing to play “the bully” to push your reactions so you can discuss it and practice it. If you don’t have time to script it or are caught in a bullying situation, use these guidelines: 1. stay calm and don’t allow yourself to be baited into the conflict. Remember, no one can take away your power unless you give it. 2. Stay focused on your and their behaviors. 3. Point out solutions for everyone’s behaviors that can lead to a positive outcome for all. 4. Be willing to walk away and offer the opportunity to revisit it later if they do not calm down, and/or be willing to ask them to leave if they cannot behave respectfully. 5. Set and discuss ground rules for future interactions and remain firm in following those guidelines.
Step 4: See this as an opportunity to help yourself and possibly someone else. I see these situations as opportunities, not obstacles. We all have chances for change. As I said in my last post, what troubled me more was not the actions of “the bully”, it was the actions of those, including myself, who allowed it to go on. We can learn from these situations, and if we don’t allow this behavior to occur, bullies will have no choice but to change their actions.
Step 5: Don’t come to the rescue of someone else who is “being bullied” merely to come their rescue. You may not know all of the details. Furthermore, your response is often more about you than it is them, and if you are not there to follow up to see what happens after you leave, it can often lead to the bully taking their frustrations out on this person when you are not around. We have to learn to teach “victims” to stand up for themselves and support them in the process.
About the author: Erik Fisher, PhD, aka Dr. E…, is a licensed psychologist and author who has been featured on NBC, CBS, FOX and CNN. Visit him at www.ErikFisher.com to learn more about his books “The Art of Empowered Parenting” and “The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict” or to check out his blog.
Savvy Gal Spotlight: Follow these tips to Ensure a Healthy Relationship with your Pediatrician
By Linda Garvin, RN, MSN, Patient Advocate ~
Bringing a child to the Pediatrician’s office can be a stressful experience. Beside the annual scheduled examination, you will probably visit the physician’s office with your child for other medical symtomology during the course of their first sixteen years. Since some of these visits will be made in a hurried fashion and possibly under some duress, it is important to be as organized as possible and have certain pieces of information easily accessible. Communicate positively with your child’s Pediatrician, with the goal of developing a Healthy Relationship.
Medical Information: Keeping a list of important medical information on your child will be invaluable during times of illness or unexpected medical problems. This information will prove to be enormously helpful if someone other than a parent is bringing a child to the physician’s office. You may want to carry this information in your wallet so you will always have easy access.
Document the following medical information on your child:
Name:
Address:
Date of birth:
Telephone numbers: Parent’s [home & work], relative, friend and/or neighbor.
Emergency Contact: Name, relationship and phone numbers: [Home, Work & Cell]
Blood Type:
Any allergies/negative reactions: (i.e., foods, beverages, medication, skin)
Insurance Plan: Policy number and contact information
Current Primary Care Physician: Contact information & address
Specialists: Contact information & address
Symtomology: If your child experiences any unusual symptoms or feels different after taking a medication or treatment, document this information. Your documentation should include when your symptoms began, the frequency and what improves or worsens your symptoms.
Medical Problems: List all medical problems, chronic health care issues, as well as any surgeries and/or hospitalizations your child has experienced. Most health professionals would prefer to review this information in chronological order, with the most recent medical problem listed first. In addition include dates for any diagnoses or hospitalizations that occurred and treatments rendered.
Medications:
Make a list of all the medications your child is taking including prescription, non- prescription and vitamins. Include information on approximate date medications were started, dosage and frequency.
One method for documenting your child’s medication information would be to compile the following information for each medication:
Name of the medication
Dosage, frequency and color of medication
Reason child is taking medication
The date your child started on this medication
Prescribing physician’s name and contact information
Any special instructions [should be taken before or after a meal; other drugs to avoid]
Family History: Bring information with you on any known family history of health problems [diabetes, heart disease, cancers…].
Timeliness: Do your best to be on time for your appointment. If it is your first visit to the pediatrician’s office, give yourself enough time to find the office and for parking. This will help you to be more relaxed and organized for the appointment. You may want to call the Pediatrician’s office approximately an hour before your child’s scheduled appointment to see if the doctor is “running on time”.
List of questions: Don’t wait till the very end of the medical appointment to ask your questions. If you write down your questions and have this list with you during the appointment, you can make notes as you communicate with your child’s Pediatrician.
Preparation & Information: Preparing your child for their physical examination is vitally important is making the appointment a positive experience. Providing information appropriate for their age and utilizing positive words will help immensely. Role playing can be very useful in some cases. Make sure that your body language and the tone of your voice are not threatening. Leave time for your child to ask questions or act out their concerns and/or fears.
TIPS:
- Remember that decision making should be a collaborative effort. If you are dissatisfied with the manner in which you were treated or spoken to, you can request to change physicians.
- Bring a few of your child’s favorite toys & disinfectant wipes to the Pediatrician’s office.
- Keep more than one copy of your child’s medical information in a safe and secure place. Some suggestions would be home, work, a close friend, relative, spouse or partner.
- If behavioral &/or emotional developmental issues need to be discussed, a parent should be present at the appointment.
Linda Winkler Garvin, R.N., M.S.N., of Alameda, California, is a Health Advocate & Educator in the Bay Area & Director of Health Management Associates. She assists individuals & families in making informed choices by providing explanations of your health options, advocating on your behalf with hospital & medical staff, organizes your medical information, assists in reviewing your health bills & insurance payments, & offers wellness strategies to prevent chronic diseases. She is the author of several articles on Healthy Lifestyles, Nutrition Pain Management & Travel. Learn more at www.healthmanagerbayarea.com or e-mail at garvin_linda@yahoo.com.
Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ My Boyfriend’s Wandering Eyes
Dear Dr. V ~
I don’t know what to do about my boyfriend’s wandering eye. I feel like whenever we go out I’m always catching him checking out other women. It’s not like he’s standing there ogling them with his mouth hanging open, but I do notice it, and it makes me feel insecure, like I’m not enough to satisfy him or whatever. We’ve been together about six months. I don’t think he’s running around on me, I even did a cursory check of his phone and computer when he wasn’t looking and didn’t find anything. For awhile when I’d ask him if he was looking at a girl he’d be honest and say “yes,” but then he’d try to comfort me, I’d get upset and it’d end in a fight. Now when I ask him he says no, and always has some kind of cover, like he was looking at car or a billboard or something. Am I being crazy? I care about this guy a lot and don’t want to lose him, but I’m afraid of not being good enough. What do I do?
Carrie
Dear Carrie,
I’m sorry you find yourself stuck in a forever-loop of jealousy and frustration, especially when from how you describe it, it sounds like your boyfriend is just being a guy. I really hope you’re not expecting him to somehow morph into a perfect being who, like the narrator in the classic (and kind of creepy) oldie, “only has eyes for you,” because that is simply a myth that’s propagated to sell movie tickets, trashy novels, record albums (fine, mp3’s and downloads, but you know what I mean) and so on.
This is not to say there’s anything wrong or impractical about monogamy, but while we modern humans have developed a lifestyle in which monogamy works, for our hunter-gatherer prehistoric ancestors living in small bands, open relationships made more sense. In other words, at the time we biologically came into our own as a species, we were not naturally monogamous. Obviously things have changed (I assume you guys aren’t out tracking mammoths or gathering berries in the wilderness when you go out to dinner), but echoes of our primal past still ring out today in modern behavior. How we redirect those energies and emotions will determine our success or failure not just as partners in a relationship, but life in general.
Basically that was a long-winded way of saying that if your boyfriend registers when another physically attractive woman is around, it doesn’t mean he’s contemplating an affair. It could just mean the following thoughts are running through his head: “Hmm. She’s hot. Oh, look a poster for the new Batman movie! Why is my girlfriend pissed?” Now of course I don’t mean to paint your partner as a dullard – I’m exaggerating to make a point. What you may perceive as the prelude to an avalanche of indiscretion and deception may actually be nothing more than an aesthetic observation by your boyfriend, something he may never think about again. As far as his denial when you “catch” him looking at someone, can you really blame him? I’m not saying he’s right to lie, but if he’s found that sharing the truth with you results in a fight, I can’t really fault him for wanting to take the path of least resistance vs. having a pointless argument.
I think the bigger issue here lies with you. Which is actually a good thing, because this is pretty much the only area where you can affect real and immediate change. Your question leaves me with the impression that you feel insecure in your relationship, almost as if just the slightest nudge could push things over a precipice. While I don’t get the feeling this is the case, I do think if you don’t modify what you’re telling yourself, you will bring such a situation into being, or possibly even lose the relationship. So let’s back things up a bit here.
I’m not sure who convinced you of this, whether it was a previous boyfriend, a teacher, maybe even a parent, but somewhere along the line, you got it into your head that you aren’t good enough. In fact, in your question you used that phrase or variations on it, a couple of times. Carrie, there is tremendous evidence to the contrary: you’ve got this amazing guy who’s still with you after six months. That’s no small amount in relationship time. Would he be hanging around if you weren’t “good enough?” (Note, any answer besides “he’s still with me because I’m not only good enough, I’m a catch!” is the bad programming in your head talking and should be ignored).
I also know it’s not always so simple to break out of deep-set habits, especially the kind of psychological tooth-grinding that fosters self-doubt and diminishes our self image. So you will have to apply greater pressure in the opposite direction. By this I mean, you will have to affirm all that is good and true about yourself, to yourself, many times a day until the positive tapes replace the negative ones that are playing in your head. How to do this? It sounds new-agey and cheesy, but I know from both personal and professional experience that it works: repeat affirmations to yourself through out the day confirming the truths you’ve been denying yourself. Remind yourself what an intelligent, attractive person you are. Take a moment to tell the Universe you’re open to and interested in whatever goodness it has to send to you. And remember that you flat out deserve to be fulfilled. (You don’t have to be in front of a mirror, but it can help. Nobody’s looking, so who cares?) You may also find your own words come to you for what you’d like to say or ask for. Go with that, use them.
Take heart, Carrie. Perhaps, after a calm and open discussion about this stuff, your boyfriend might be amenable to be a bit more discreet when his inner-caveman rears his wooly head. In either case, you don’t need to worry about him running back to the cave with anyone else but you.
With Love and Light,
Dr. V
Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall
Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.
Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.
Savvy Minds: Ask Dr. V ~ Fear of Commitment
Dear Dr V ~
I’ve been seeing this girl for a couple months now, and I’m concerned because I’m starting to have feelings for her. When we got into the relationship I kind of made an agreement with myself that I wouldn’t allow myself to get to emotionally attached as I’m not quite ready to surrender my freedom to a long term relationship yet. I feel like I’m approaching an ultimatum where if I’ll need to decide if I should stay or go. I really do like this person, and as I said I’m starting to care for her, but I’m not ready to stop living my life either (as in doing what I want, when I want, staying out late with my friends, etc.) I really feel torn about this. What do you think?
Eli
Dear Eli,
OK hang on a second. I think you’re creating a dilemma for yourself that’s totally unnecessary. Of course the emotions you’re feeling are real and we’ll get to those in a second, but I think you may have a skewed understanding of what a healthy romantic relationship should be. Yes, in any healthy relationship there should always be some degree of give and take. Compromise can often provide a sustaining, balancing energy to the dynamic between two people. What you seem to be expecting however, is a reversion to some kind of child/parent dynamic where you’re begging Mom (i.e.: your girlfriend) to let you go out of the house just this one night with your friends, and becoming completely subservient to the whims and desires of your partner. Do those kinds of relationships exist? Yes. And they’re incredibly unhealthy and unfulfilling for both parties. But that does not sound like the scenario you find yourself in. As you said yourself, you like this girl very much, and even find yourself developing (gasp!) feelings for her. So your fear, while understandable, given the kind of bullshit men in this culture have rammed down their throat about how they need to fear commitment because women only want to break a man down into some spineless husk, are illogical. If I was to phrase your question another way, it could read “Dear Dr V. Everything’s going great in my relationship. I’m happy. So, do you think I should bail?”
As is usually the case in deeply emotional circumstances, the primal, unconscious aspect of our psyches can fall into turmoil, thus throwing our conscious selves out of whack. In your case, I think perhaps some of the “commitment-phobia” may come from the basic, evolutionary drive in males to procreate with as many females as possible. I’ve spoken about this in response to other readers before: basically there’s a cosmic joke of sorts played on the human race, in that many of our primitive, animal drives remain just as strong today as they did before we walked upright and had thumbs. However, the reality of the modern human mind and personality complicates what are at their core really the most simple of instincts. In this case, it’s the instinct of survival. I don’t mean your personal survival, but the survival of the species. The more genetic variation there is in any given gene pool, the higher a chance of survival for the members of that gene pool. So it’s really the reptilian part of your brain that gives you the “Wandering Eye.” And that’s fine, I don’t advocate for repression or denial of that which nature hardwires into us. What makes us human is the ability to recognize and acknowledge those feelings and desires, yet also know that “Yes, that stranger over there is smoking hot. But could they give me the love, empathy, understanding and support that comes from my partner? That fantastic exchange of intense emotion that makes me miss her when she’s not here?” More importantly, are you willing to give that up in exchange for sexual autonomy?
Which brings me to my next point. Really, all you will be “giving up” is a carte blanche to sleep with whomever you want. In a healthy relationship, both partners will continue the lives of who they were before they found each other. That is to say, it shouldn’t be an issue for you to take a night out on the town with the boys, continue your professional and recreational pursuits and even maintain some personal space for yourself to be alone, because ideally your partner will want the same things for herself. And so long as nothing from those outside elements interferes with what will hopefully be a dynamic of unconditional openness and empathy between you two, there’s no reason those other things that cannot remain a part of your life should the commitment you two make to each other (don’t run away frightened when I say this) deepen even further.
It’s a cliché to say that men are afraid to commit, but clichés are repeated so much because they often ring true. I don’t fault you for how you feel, and I don’t think you should beat yourself up over it. Yet at the same time, I think it’d be a real shame if an irrational, albeit real, fear forced you to make a decision you’d regret and worse still, miss out on something potentially brilliant.
With Love and Light,
Dr. V
Visit Dr. V’s Web site at www.talk2drv.com or her blog at www.findyourselfblog.com; become a fan at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-V/184750798527?v=wall
Note: All information in the Ask Dr. V column is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, please feel free to email Dr. V, or consult your doctor.
Please feel free to email Dr. V a confidential question (from you or your guy) for posting on this site at DrVenus@TheSavvyGal.com; questions may be edited for grammar and length; emails are only read by Dr. V.
Movers and Shakers: “You Look Good … for Your Age.”
By Blane Bachelor ~
The comment wasn’t meant to be a dig, but it was impossible not to take it that way.
“Oh my God, you look great for your age!” a 20-something gushed to me recently.
Just to clarify: I’m thirty-friggin’-one, people.
Let me back up a minute. About once a month, I host media networking parties, and it’s my job to welcome first-time attendees. Which is exactly what I was doing in striking up a conversation with this woman. She had just moved from a city where I interned the summer before my senior year of college. She asked when I graduated, and I could see the pieces clicking satisfyingly into place in her mind: I was – gasp! – in my early thirties!
This revelation must have been stunning for her two 20-something sidekicks, too, because they both chimed in with comments like “Girl, you don’t look 31 at all!” and “Good for you!”
In a nanosecond, I went from feeling like the hip, in-the-know hostess to an American Idol reject. I mean, I know our society is obsessed with youth and all, and I know I look younger than my years. But for the love of Botox – I’m thirty-friggin’-one! When did being 31 start provoking those sort of “for your age” qualifiers – the ones that reverse a compliment into a snarky little dig?
Even more alarming: What did this trio of teenyboppers think a normally aging 31-year-old should look like – a wrinkle-infested, cane-wielding, muu-muu-wearing spinster who couldn’t possibly be out in public on her own?
To be fair, I’ve been a little more sensitive about the age issue lately. I look in the mirror and fixate on the lines that have etched themselves in my forehead. I see the roundness of my cheeks, which are a large part of the reason I often still get carded, and imagine that before long they’ll have drooped into jowls so long I’ll be able to wrap them around my neck like a scarf.
And, while I recently was grooming my bikini line, I almost fainted when I thought I saw a single gray curly. It wasn’t, thank heavens — just a much lighter one among a patch of dark. But it was a serious wake-up call that one day both the drapes and the carpet are going to lose their shiny luster, along with the rest of the façade as gravity takes its inevitable toll and Father Time, damn that bastard, marches forward.
I’m sure some 40- or 50-something woman will be reading this and roll her eyes, much in the same way I want to snap in half those twiggy little women when they pinch a quarter-ounce of skin and shriek that they’re fat. But it’s at those weak moments when I’m nitpicking my reflection, or confronting flippant remarks from girls a decade younger, that forking over hundreds of dollars to have the bacteria that causes botulism injected into my face sounds like a fine idea.
The thing is, those moments aside, I’ve never felt more confident, more at home in my skin, more me than I have in the last year or two. Of course 31 isn’t old, but it’s a crying shame that our youth-crazed culture has made enough of an impression on at least three 20-somethings that they had to throw in the “for your age” qualifier as they assessed my appearance.
And despite all the talk of “40 being the new 30” and the population aging in record numbers, there’s still plenty of collective trepidation about getting older. At the dentist’s last week, I glanced through AARP magazine, and I couldn’t help notice the contradiction in an organization that trumps getting older gracefully putting a story about looking younger on its cover.
So what do we women do amidst all this age angst? We make plastic surgeons multi-millionaires. We delight in the fact that Demi Moore is married to a smoking-hot husband 15 years her junior.
We also resort to less classy moves, like making the distinction between ourselves and our older friends, even if it’s just in our minds. Just as I did the other day with a friend who’s three years my senior when we were commiserating over her ex’s new flame.
I asked how old the trollop was. “Our age,” my friend said, and I felt the urge to respond, “Don’t you mean your age? Because I’m only thirty-friggin’-one!”
A catty thought, indeed. But at least I held my tongue. Because, unlike those twenty-somethings, I respect my elders.
Blane Bachelor is an internationally published writer, syndicated columnist and author of On Being a Bachelor: Thoughts on Dating, Mating and Relating, a book based on her popular and long-running newspaper column. Bachelor has written hundreds of articles and columns about dating, relationships, travel and pop culture for outlets including Marie Claire, Women’s Health, People.com, Tango.com, Modern Bride, Zink!, the Christian Science Monitor and USA Today. Her dating advice column, “Ask a Bachelor,” appears in newspapers nationwide. And yes, Bachelor is her real last name. Visit her website at www.askabachelor.com.
Savvy Gal Spotlight: Clues and Cues for Your Holiday Blues
By Carol Kivler, MS, CSP ~
Tis the season to be jolly! Or is it? For many people, the holidays are anything but jolly. Depression, loneliness and overwhelm can turn what is supposed to be an upbeat, joyous time of year into a dreadful period that some would rather skip completely. The blues brought on by the holidays are as varied as ornaments on a tree. If you experience dread thinking about the upcoming holiday season, it may help you to determine the biggest culprit, so that you take steps to alleviate the blues, even a little. Here are some of the most common clues (or indications) of the holiday blues followed by the cues (or problem solving stimulus) to minimize the blues:
Unrealistic expectations
Clues – Many people struggle to live up to the glorious images that bombard us from every direction, including television, movie theaters, store windows, magazines and billboards. A mild brainwashing occurs and we hypnotically buy in to the fact that without the perfect decorations, holiday attire, latest recipes, and trendy gift ideas, that we just don’t measure up. We set ourselves up for failure, because it is the rare person that can achieve that state of perfection!
Cues – Limit your exposure to these images and remember that most of them are used to sell products more than to paint a realistic picture. Set up realistic holiday goals that fulfill your holiday needs but don’t overwhelm you. Remember “less is more” and for those around you, they won’t remember how wonderful you looked, how great you decorated, or how much you spent…but they will remember how you made them feel.
Financial pressure
Clues – There’s no doubt that an economy like this one will fill more seats on the “holiday blues bus”. If you have had a recent financial setback, it can be especially difficult facing the fact that there is less money to spend on the holiday season then there was before.
Cues – Keep in mind that you are not alone. Many people are in the same boat and spending far less on the holidays then they did in years past. But the gift of “time” is far more valuable to the average person than a gift of monetary value, meaning this could turn out to be the most heartfelt holiday you’ve ever experienced. Consider homemade gifts, photographs, meals or poetry. How about giving someone on your list a scalp massage or organizing their kitchen cabinets? These types of gifts are treasured more than your retailers want you to know!
Physical and emotional fatigue
Clues – Shopping, wrapping, baking, visiting; not to mention all the other things we normally do in a given day, can absolutely turn holiday joy into dread. Add to the mix all the high calorie, low energy calories we consume over the holidays and it’s no wonder we feel exhausted!
Cues – Don’t overdo it and repeat after me, “Focus, Delegate, and Let Go”. Focus on a few of the most important aspects of the holiday season, things you just can’t do without. Delegate tasks to family members and friends; it makes them feel valued! Let go of the rest, especially the unrealistic expectations and the need to provide everyone with a picture perfect holiday. Don’t get caught up in the mad rush. Your good health is the greatest gift you can give anyone.
Strained family dynamics
Clues – The holidays seem to focus on the family unit more than anything else. And if the family unit has changed through death, divorce, discord or disease, it can be especially devastating around the holiday.
Cues – Just as families change, holiday get-togethers can too. If family tension begins to rise to the surface, have tension-diffusers ready; a funny video, an interesting game that captures everyone’s attention, an article of clothing for everyone to put on (like a goofy hat, or a boa). Consider having everyone bring an instrument along (there are always pots and spoons for those who don’t have an instruments, or keep a couple kazoos around). Or consider asking everyone to bring their sneakers so that once the meal is over and before the tension has a chance to begin, everyone can take a walk together.
Outdated traditions
Clues: Financial situations change, families dynamics change, and trends change. But traditions are an inherited, established pattern, and the fact is, they can be as uncomfortable as an ill fitting shoe!
Cues: There is no law against letting go of outdated traditions! It may be time for you to ditch traditions that augment your blues, and create new traditions that better suit your personality. Be bold and consider some of these ideas: Take the family to a movie. Visit a nursing home. Go out dancing. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Round up some people who celebrate alone and bring them to your house to mingle. Go to the beach and play football in the sand. Go on a vacation. Visit a city battered by a hurricane and hug people. Leave your environment for a few days. Whatever it takes to keep your spirits up and keep your blues at bay.
My traditional family unit changed through my own divorce several years ago. Therefore our traditional holiday celebrations needed an overhaul. With three children, their spouses, and five grandchildren one of my favorite new traditions is building gingerbread houses with five sets of little fingers. The dining room is covered with icing and crumbs and gummy candy and lots of love and laughter and lifelong memories. What are your favorite moments?
Carol Kivler, MS, CSP, is a passionate consumer advocate, speaker, author and the founder of Courageous Recovery. She speaks to consumers, their loved ones and healthcare professionals to raise awareness, instill hope and combat stigma surrounding mental health diagnoses and treatments. Carol shares her journey of recovery from four bouts of medication-resistant depression and her positive experience with the life-saving treatment ECT through keynotes, breakouts and Grand Rounds. Along with Courageous Recovery, Carol is also the founder and president of Kivler Communications which provides executive coaching and customized workforce development training. Carol was the first consumer on the Board of Directors of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) – Mercer, NJ and continues to be actively involved in its mission. Carol is also a member of the National Speakers Association (NSA), the American Society of Training & Development, and the MercerCountyCommunityCollege Advisory Commission.
Carol lives in Lawrence Township, NJ and is the proud mother of three grown children and five grandchildren. She is an avid reader, life-long learner, gardener and amateur baker.
Please visit the author’s website www.CourageousRecovery.com and blog http://carolkivler.com/blog/
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