With the divorce rate now at 50 percent in the U.S., family law attorneys seem to be busier than ever. And while it’s easy to see how so many can become hardened in this “seen it all” profession, Bobette Fleishman, a successful divorce attorney in Southern California, is surprisingly pro-marriage.
Born in San Francisco and raised by hard working parents, Bobette learned the value of a strong work ethic early in life as she helped each of her parents run their own respective businesses after school. By age 11, the demure girly-girl knew where she was headed, although she did not anticipate the challenge she would face as a female aiming to play a game in what was then an exclusively male field.
“I realized at a very young age I wanted to practice law,” she said. “So my father, back in 1955, managed to buy me a typewriter and build me an office in our home where I spent countless hours preparing ‘cases’ based on the murder mysteries I loved to read.” Her father, and primary mentor, taught her to be self-reliant and scholarly.
“Sometimes I think he may have gone to far by advising me not to cry, claiming that it’s just a waste of time,” she said. “He treated me more like a son than a daughter because of what he expected of me from a cultural and sociological point of view.” With a keen emphasis on academics, Bobette’s dad encouraged her to pursue her goals, offering her the moral and material support she needed.
Though focused and determined, Bobette was not met with the same backing in the “real world” she received at home. “Most people, especially men, told me law is not an appropriate occupation for a girl,” she said.
At age 18, Bobette became pregnant by her high school sweetheart. She had her baby and did “the right thing” by marrying her boyfriend. She was one semester into college, but took time off to raise her baby. A few months later, she was back at school, and then took time off again to have her second child. A devoted mother and student, she also worked part-time in addition to attending law school full time and raising two kids. “My husband and parents were supportive,” she said. “That’s how I was able to make it through.” Although she divorced within a few brief years, her ex-husband continued to help and support her.
After finishing law school, Bobette was invited on a trip to Los Angeles to observe a legal aid program for an indigent Jewish community to learn how to start a similar program in the Bay area. As if she didn’t have enough on her plate, she went. Upon her return, she rapidly got the program up and running, which required a significant amount of work, securing funding and help required to pull off the project.
But while in L.A., she met a man who volunteered at the legal aid program; he soon became her second husband. Murray was an attorney in Los Angeles, causing numerous problems in living arrangements. Her sons, Erick and Sean, were split as to where they wanted live. So one stayed in San Francisco with his father, and the other moved with his mom. Every weekend, they’d fly one of the boys to be with the other. This lasted for three years until Sean joined Bobette and his brother in Los Angeles.
Remaining fervent to her faith, she belonged to 3 synagogues so no matter what part of the state she was in her boys would have a place to worship. Her ex, who was not Jewish, studied Hebrew so he could help the boys with their studies.
After 12 years of marriage to Murray, Bobette went through a second divorce. Not long after, she began to date again, but this time she was more calculating. She researched all the singles groups in town and met new men each week. She lunched with those she was interested in and if there was more of an attraction, she’d upgrade to dinner. She met Peter in February and he became her third husband by August. They have enjoyed a thriving relationship now for 20 years.
Having had two marriages resulting in divorce and one that continues to be fulfilling and gratifying, Bobette considers two factors to be imperative for a blissful relationship. “To be loving and giving are key, even if your husband isn’t as much” she said, “I believe you get as much from being loving and giving to your partner than you might get from him or her being loving and giving to you.”
Although she claims she can tend to be tough and critical, she and Peter both work to ensure their marriage stays healthy. “With my career I can be very driven and overworked and very tired, and sometimes I don’t have much to give anyone,” she said. “So I have to make an effort. We actually enjoy being together and have the same interests, so that helps a great deal.” And further advice? “Try to work with the differences in a relationship and don’t be critical.”
Bobette believes there are other attitudes to which women are prone that can sabotage a relationship: “Women can’t feel they have nothing to offer someone or feel they may be too good for someone,” she said, “It comes back to work ethic and working hard for what you want.”
Although my first two marriages didn’t work out, I’m still good friends with both of my ex-husbands,” Bobette said. Should the relationship come to divorce, she tells her clients to look at divorce as a growth experience. The point at which clients end up in her office to discuss their dissolution, they are in a great deal of pain and can’t conceive of this notion. “But if you can avoid vengeful feelings and bitterness, it is a growth experience and you learn how to be better in a relationship next time,” she said.
Having accomplished her lifelong passion, this dutiful divorce lawyer is all girl, wrapped in her impeccable designer clothes and bags — but also with a warm smile and soft heart.
From her childhood “pretend” cases to the successful attorney today, her diligence has paid off. “I’ve always said that hard work and persistence are what make the difference between success and failure,” she reaffirmed.