The World of Social Bookmarks

Take a look at the cute little symbols at the end of this article. You have likely seen them on a number of other Web pages, but have you ever wondered if they actually serve a purpose?

Not just useless graphics, these are links to serve a powerful function for Internet users and they have revolutionized the way people search the Web.

Services like Technorati, Del.icio.us, Digg and Stumble Upon are known as social bookmarking sites, designed to help users store ideas and information for easy reference from any computer. It’s easy to create a free profile; and then you can post selected bookmarks on the Web, instead of just keeping them on a browser.

Social bookmarking has several advantages: first, users can access their chosen bookmarks from anywhere and on any computer with Internet access. Second, users can share bookmarks with friends, coworkers and other people to be accessed for either reference or just for fun. Third, people with similar interests can view each other’s sites and add those links to their own collection.

Let’s take a closer look at just a few of the multitude of social book-marking services available to you:

Stumble Upon

Once users sign up for an account and specify particular preferences, StumbleUpon delivers interesting pages matched to those specifications. Then, as browsers “stumble” through the pages they can give a thumbs-up to those they like, or a thumbs-down to those they don’t, which helps to form collaborative opinions on Web site quality. When users stumble, they will only see pages that like-minded stumblers have recommended, which helps them discover interesting sites they may have never found simply using a search engine.

StumbleUpon members are taken directly to Web sites matching their personal interests and preferences. After signing up for an account, a StumbleUpon toolbar can be downloaded for use with any browser to enable one-click access to quality Web sites.

StumbleUpon offers nearly 500 topics from which to choose personal interests and preferences. From that selection each stumble produces only the most relevant content. StumbleUpon soon learns what the user has liked in the past and continues to present similar Web sites in the future. Also, as you find Web sites you like on your own, you can still give a “thumbs up” using you StumbleUpon toolbar to save the site into your personal index.

Del.icio.us

Web surfers can tag their favorite articles, blogs, videos, recipes, and more and share their favorites with others. Del.icio.us is full of bookmarks about technology, entertainment and a variety of other useful information.

Del.icio.us also allows users to keep track of all the source materials and commentary found online for such projects as writing articles, term papers or any research-based venture. It’s a practical and easy to use tool to make shopping and even planning a trip easy. Users save links to hotels, activities, and transportation and use tags like “travel,” “vacation,” and “to-visit”. Then you, also as a user, are able to see and share what others bookmark and learn about great resources you didn’t even know existed!

Digg

Everything on Digg, from news to videos and podcasts, is submitted by the world wide Internet community; in other words, there are no editors, just general users like us. Much like Del.icio.us, Digg is a place for people to find and share content from anywhere on the Web. And those very users are the ones who determine the value of content, from the most popular sites to the most obscure blog.

Once something is submitted, other people see it and “Digg” what they like best. If a submission receives enough Diggs, it is promoted to the front page for millions of other Digg users to see.

This service also encourages discussion by passionate users who like or dislike what they find. When a Web searcher discovers an article, video, or blog online and submits it to Digg.com, the submission immediately appears in the “Upcoming Stories” listing, where other members can find it and, if they like it, Digg it. Visitors can peek at the “Upcoming” section to discover recently added content, or use “Spy” to watch the titles and descriptions as they roll down the page. RSS feeds on specific topics are also available for subscription to those interested in receiving them.

Technorati

Technorati is considered the authority on what’s happening now on the World Live Web. The Live Web is the always-updating portion of the Internet; Technorati searches and organizes blogs and other forms of user-generated content (such as photos, videos, etc.) to make it easy for Web surfers to find what they need.

Blogs are powerful because they allow millions of people to easily publish and share their ideas, and millions more to read and respond. On the World Live Web, bloggers link to and comment on other blogs, creating an immediate connection much like one would have in a conversation. Technorati tracks these links and rapidly indexes tens of thousands of updates every hour.

The World Live Web is incredibly active, and according to Technorati data, there are more than 175,000 new blogs initiated daily. Bloggers update their blogs regularly to the tune of more than 1.6 million posts per day, or more than 18 updates a second. This service helps readers stay organized and apprized of recent updates.

And if you can’t decide which service to use, try them all and see which system you prefer; there’s no obligation or contract, so you can choose a primary service or use them all. And while you’re at it, tag some of the articles you read on TheSavvyGal.com so your friends can enjoy them, too!

Purposeful Presents: How Gifts Communicate

Gifts can and do articulate emotion. How you give and what you give speaks a deliberate message to the person being gifted. Consider the proverbial fruitcake; once regarded as a valued holiday tradition, now typecast as a thoughtless present because it has acquired an unshakeable reputation as a generic and tactless souvenir.

In fact, even the most delicious fruitcake, created by a celebrated chef, can land unappreciated on its recipient simply because of its underlying connotation. On the other hand, to gift a friend who has an uncommon name with something personalized can convey tremendous forethought and attention. That gift doesn’t need to cost much, yet it communicates a great deal of consideration. To the lucky beneficiary, it says you took the time to select something momentous and unique to her.

The bestowing of presents on others has long been recognized as an expression of gratitude or affection and is practiced in most cultures. It is a language by which we communicate how we feel about another person with a symbolic object. Even in Biblical times, prophets honored God with gifts (usually some sort of an animal sacrifice, which thankfully, is not a popular practice present day).

Today, gifts are exchanged with loved ones and people with whom we wish to show some level of appreciation. But while gift giving is a popular and widespread custom, a number of people simply resent the fact they “have” to give holiday gifts simply because the season dictates so.

Just a few days ago a group of “anti-materialists” were protesting on bustling-with-buyers 5th Avenue in New York City, urging eager consumers to shun shopping this holiday season. They argue commercialism has reduced us to a greedy and money-oriented society. These dissenters say there are many nonmaterial ways by which we can extend our fondness for someone and not promote pervasive materialism. They claim the act of demonstrating affection should be expressed in a format devoid of physical goods.

True: Setting aside an afternoon to spend with a cherished friend, for example, can be of significant value. But it all depends on whether or not your friend considers time to be a particular “endowment.” You may consider hours spent with a friend to be meaningful, but if she’s a gift enthusiast, she’s going to be looking for something to unwrap or eat.

Yet, if you’re an avid proponent of a nonmaterial holiday (or if you’re just plain broke), you might offer an afternoon of babysitting so your friend can spend time alone, or you might want to take your pal on a lovely afternoon picnic with a basket full of yummy goodies you make yourself. One of our “savvy gals” offered to walk her neighbor’s dog every day for a week as a gift and it was a service very much appreciated. Keep in mind the meaning of a true gift is something given to someone to give pleasure or show gratitude, not to flex your unique financial aptitude.

But if you’re a die-hard gift-giver, one who believes holidays are opportunities to bless others with “stuff,” then enjoy the season and its tradition without being made to feel avaricious. The holidays are an opportune time to show others how much they mean to you, however you choose to do it. But remember to keep your gift heartfelt in order to make it meaningful to the recipient.

Many people enjoy this time of year and consider the fanfare magical and inspiring, and they relish the act of giving beautifully wrapped presents unconditionally. This is an admirable gesture, sure to be appreciated by friends and family. But if you choose to engage in celebrating the occasion with a material present, consider the following gift-related goofs and gaffes so as not to communicate the wrong message:

• If someone gives you a gift and you don’t have one to give in return, don’t excuse yourself to throw something together and pretend it was ready and waiting. People can usually detect this trick. Accept the offering with a grateful “thank you,” and if you were in fact planning to reciprocate but just haven’t had the chance, say so. “I’m behind on my shopping and haven’t had a minute to get yours yet,” is more sincere than throwing something together with no forethought or significance.
• Then there’s the age-old debate about re-gifting. Some people abhor the thought of giving away something given to them because it discredits the giver, while others believe the gift is theirs to use however they wish. And if it’s to give it away to someone else, then that’s perfectly reasonable. So if you ascribe to the re-gifting is permissible camp, just remember to remove the tag bearing your name before you give the item to someone else. There’s nothing more tacky than unwrapping a gift to find a note with the giver’s name as the intended recipient.

While on the subject of giving, it’s important to note that one previously considered faux pas has been transformed into a definitive “faux.” Gift cards, once considered an announcement of a giver’s lack of interest or attention, are now chic and desirable. These are essentially gift certificates gone glam, and given to one’s favorite store, they can be the most coveted holiday prize. Plus, the amount will go farther once those after-holiday sales launch. With so many retail options, gift cards give the gifted a chance to choose what she considers to be an appropriate gift. It frankly states: “I want you to enjoy buying whatsoever you choose or want most.”

And if you shunned holiday shopping in the past altogether because buying is complicated and malls are crowded, consider the ever-present cyber store! Taking the hassle out of holiday shopping, many people opt to do their buying online and having their gifts shipped right to their front door or directly to the recipient. Sellers are offering generous discounts now and you can take advantage of the free shipping promotions that are usually available. (Or, check out The Savvy Gal Store for a wide range of our own hand picked gift ideas and options!)

However you wish to express your affection, the upcoming six weeks are an ideal occasion to show and tell others you care about them. And whether you choose to express your holiday sentiments with a material gift or a symbolic act of service, you’ll enjoy this time of year more if you don’t lose sight of why you celebrate.

Whichever option you choose, may you enjoy a stress-free holiday filled with a sense of the significance of the season.

The Holiday Letter: Massaging Your Masterpiece

It seems like the holidays roll in earlier every year. One popular practice that seems to have picked up speed with each passing year is the memorable holiday letter. This is the time-honored update by which we stay informed about friends and family whether they are near or far.

We usually enjoy these yearly pronouncements — unless of course they’re three pages long, written in a miniscule 10 pt. font and filled with every nonessential detail about someone and their second cousin; we just don’t have the time to appreciate complicated write-ups and life descriptions! If you have adopted this seasonal custom, here are a few easy tips to make your dispatch readable … and enjoyable!

You want your holiday letter to be entertaining and impressionable. Yours should be the envelope your friends and family anticipate receiving and can’t wait to tear into year after year — not the one immediately put to the bottom of the “to read when I have time pile.”

The first step is to make it visually pleasing with some sort of a striking or illustrative element: pictures, graphics, rubber stamped patterns, pretty or colorful paper — anything to grab the recipient’s attention. The element of first impression is just as significant on paper as it is in person.

The letter should be short and to the point; brevity is always appreciated, especially during this hectic and hurried season. You can easily accomplish this by listing all the events you want to cover on a separate sheet of paper and then go through and choose the most interesting or noteworthy few.

Don’t worry that people will think you have a boring life if you only list three important details from a 12-month span; your relatives will know you have selected the major points to share and will appreciate the fact you didn’t detail each time you had your hair colored. Avoid the nonessential details, and just list the highlights of the past year.

If you have kids list each separately, spotlighting their individual accomplishments or developments. If you’re not particularly fond of writing, have each person (assuming they are old enough to write) create their own paragraph about their individual experience. If you have young children, you may want to have them get in on the fun and decorate a sheet of paper with their unique ingenuity. This adds a wonderfully personal touch in eveyone’s unique “voice” comes through your letter.

If you have bad news to declare, state the facts and how you’ve been impacted. “Mom has passed away this year and her warmth and consistent smile will be missed.” Don’t utilize your letter as a cathartic experience to work through your pain and grief. If you simply must, then do this on a separate document and extract just a few meaningful thoughts from it into your holiday letter. Keep the news sober but not somber. Remember — ’tis the season to be jolly and you don’t want your bad news to rob others of the proverbial holiday spirit.

The holiday letter can include trips you’ve taken, awards you’ve won, new job positions you’ve attained, classes you may have taken, new developments your baby has pulled off, or anything of interest you have experienced within the year. You may have a variety of things to share, but, again, select the ones most worthy of mention.

If you find yourself in this contrasting predicament: You want to send out a letter but you don’t feel you have anything notable to mention … You surely do! You don’t need to have an extravagant piece of news to report. Your friends simply want an update on how you’re doing and how you’ve spent the previous 12 months.

Looking through your calendar (or checkbook!) might bring some momentous events to mind. Even if you didn’t earn a doctorate and don’t feel you’ve achieved anything remarkable, you may want to talk about how calm and delightfully uneventful your year has been. In our hectic culture, “ordinary” can sometimes be a welcome state of being! Outline the things in your life bringing pleasure or peace; a dog who faithfully greets you each night at the door, a boyfriend who honors you with a phone call each morning or a new-found appreciation for flaming pink sunsets.

You may also want to add some elements of distinction to your traditional letter that people can look forward to each year:

• A favorite holiday recipe
• Your top 10 newly uncovered travel tips or destinations
• A collage of recent pictures that you’ve scanned and printed out
• A list of books you’ve read this year and would like to recommend

And remember, this isn’t a term paper. Use your own informal style and keep it simple. Use humor (but only if you’re naturally funny), and don’t try to sound like someone else. Use an easy-to-read typestyle and by all means check your spelling for errors before you sign and seal the document!

You need not spend a lot of money or make your letter fancy. But you must include three elements: keep it brief, interesting and visually appealing.

If you begin now, you’ll have a couple of weeks to reflect, review or rewrite your letter before you need to send it out in time for the holidays. But of course if you’re too strapped for time, blow off the December deadline and make yours a New Year’s greeting. You just might get more readership when your envelope shows up in your recipient’s mailbox free of competing holiday correspondence!

Never Ending Sibling Rivalries84

“All my kids ever do is fight!” This is a common statement made by parents with multiple children. But when a mom makes this statement about her adult children, it can be a bit more complicated of an issue.

Sibling rivalry can be similar among the young and not-so-young, but often the most challenging aspect of the strained relationship between adult siblings is working through the habits and memories that have been formed over the years.

Most of the time, kids who don’t get along eventually grow out of their frustration with each other. Maturity has a way of helping us recognize what matters most and what we should simply let slide. And with adulthood comes a more profound understanding of others’ intentions while allowing for distinctions in behavior unique to each individual. Often, brothers and sisters who fight about everything from sharing toys to doing chores grow to be the best of friends once they’ve passed through childhood.

Some experts believe that the more children are permitted to battle it out within the comforts of home, the better their interaction will be as adults since they learn the skills needed to resolve conflicts in a familiar setting. But this is not always the case; sadly, kids who fight during childhood often continue their competition as adults. The themes and topics may change, but the emotions are no less significant.

Developmental psychologists suggest siblings often design their own unique verbal and nonverbal language among themselves that essentially identifies their exclusive relationship. Typically, a set of negative behaviors ensue, and although those may not have been discussed, they are subconsciously agreed upon by both.

Dr. Peter Goldenthal, a clinical and family psychologist notes that there are numerous myths about the conflicts between siblings. In his book, “Why Can’t We Get Along?: Healing Adult Sibling Relationships” (John Wiley & Sons), he offers the following observations:

Myth #1: “If I could really understand why my sibling behaves as she does, I’d know how to respond and we’d have a better relationship.”

Goldenthal says it’s unrealistic to expect you will ever fully understand a sibling. But you can still have a good relationship. If a sibling’s behavior is truly affecting you in a negative way, let her know gently — without attacking her character.

Myth #2: “The only way I can stop being disappointed or upset about my sibling relationship is for my sibling to make some behavior changes.”

But Goldenthal says that just like with all relationships, you can’t change another person. The only change you have power over is your own. So if you want to change a sibling relationship, look at what you can change about yourself that might help.

Myth #3: “My siblings and I should be able to put our childhood differences behind us and just move on.”

Goldenthal says during childhood, siblings get use to relating in ways that become habitual. When an adult sibling who seems to have otherwise grown up reverts to old sibling behavior, it might seem out of character. But childhood habits are strong. Lapsing into them is often automatic.

There are those of the school of thought that you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your siblings. Many opt to cut off relationships with troublesome siblings entirely. But those who wish to put effort into resolving recurring conflicts, start with the following resolution techniques:

• Make a conscious effort to break free of old patterns.
• Don’t let resentments brew. Clear up misunderstandings by talking them through as quickly as possible.
• Be a good listener. Be mindful of both verbal and nonverbal cues.
• Don’t hold a grudge, as justified as you think you may be.
• Be ready to say, “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you” when needed.
• Avoid sarcasm; it does nothing more than hurt another’s feelings.
• Don’t embellish — stick to the facts.
• Avoid interpreting behavior. You can never be sure what another’s intentions are, so don’t try to tell her what her behavior means.
• Let your sibling know if you feel uncomfortable talking about something.
• Ask questions if you need further clarification.
• Don’t assign blame. It’s always destructive to relationships.
• In the future, think before you act or speak.
• Do your part to stay in touch!

No matter how old you are, it’s never too late to improve a relationship with a sibling with whom you’ve had issue. Working to improve your relationship with a brother or sister can produce healing and renewed happiness. Your siblings are not children anymore, so learn to see them as adults and try to release the image you have of them as “those rotten kids who always caused you trouble.”

To read more about adult sibling rivalry, check out:

Goldenthal, P. (2002). “Why can’t we get along?: Healing adult sibling relationships.” New York: John Wiley & Sons.

Hapworth, W., Hapworth, N. & Heilman, J. R. (1993). “Mom loved you best: Sibling rivalry lasts a lifetime.” New York: Penguin.

McDermott, P. (1992). “Sisters and brothers: Resolving your adult sibling relationships.” Los Angeles: Lowell House.

Nix the Nagging

He forgets to take out the trash, leaves the toilet seat up and ignores your reasonable requests to pick up his clothes off the floor. What’s a woman to do … besides nag?

But then when you’ve frustrated yourself to no end, you simply give in and pick up those grimy clothes because it’s just easier to do it yourself than to continually ask to no avail. But once you’ve figured out nagging doesn’t work, you might consider more effective alternatives.

Most of us know nagging is aggravating because we’ve all been nagged. But we often don’t recognize it when we are the ones initiating the nag-fest. To us, we’re just making a sensible request someone is ignoring, so we must repeat ourselves. But surely if we could record ourselves, and replay our persistent badgering, we’d likely be appalled at how irritating we can come across!

Nagging makes others defensive and feel personally attacked. It has a distinct “I know better than you” element able to immediately put people off. It is often perceived as criticism, so “the nagged” may well tune you out making what you are saying ineffective.

Nagging can be described as complaining, criticizing, repeated coaxing, incessantly insisting, nit-picking, being hypercritical, pestering, or being relentlessly unrelenting and overly demanding. Like the annoying drip of a leaky faucet, nagging soon becomes the focus, taking the attention off the actual plea being presented. Nagging is an irritant, which causes the listener to either ignore the grating request or to simply do the opposite just to be defiant.

You may well have a valid request, but until you deliver it in a form other than nagging, your repeated appeal will likely be met with resentment. Whether to a spouse, a child, an employee or a coworker, if you want something done, learn to ask in a strategic, nonthreatening manner to produce the results you need. Otherwise, a simple request to bring the groceries in from the car can turn into an all-out battle able to evolve into an even bigger issue simply because the directive came off as a debasing demand.

The first rule of thumb: Avoid using language that can make others feel stupid. Posing blame or stating a demeaning remark is a sure-fire way to come off as a raving nag. If you want results, you’ll have to learn to prevent the illusion of an attack, which means you should keep criticisms out of your request. Statements like, “Since you never lift a finger around the house, why don’t you do me a favor and take out the trash for once,” won’t motivate anyone to give you a hand. And if a discussion does ensue after a comment like that, it will likely be a debate about who actually does more work around the house, while the trash still sits rotting away.

Positive tactics can motivate others to act. Avoiding ultimatums such as, “So help me, if I have to ask you one more time to pick up your clothes, I’ll put them in the trash as I find them,” is another good policy. Try expressing your feelings or posing a question instead of stating a demand with an attached provocation. Explain to your partner how a pile of clothes on the floor after a long day at work makes you feel overwhelmed and discouraged and then ask if he will give you a hand by being mindful to pick up his clothes. Or, you can respectfully ask, “Honey, I know you’ve worked hard like me and you’re probably just as tired as I am, but would you help me out by hanging up your clothes or putting them away? It would mean a great deal to me.” Using phrases like “would you” or “will you” rather than “could you” or “can you” are more gracious and therefore more effective when making a call for help.

Avoiding long lectures and keeping requests brief can diffuse an attack and keep the spotlight on the task being addressed. If your spouse truly has a pattern of avoidance, you might want to have a rational, problem-solving discussion and come to a conclusion that is suitable for both of you. Acknowledge your divergent perspectives about household chores and expectations.

Don’t wait until you’re completely exasperated to take this on, but when you have the time for a meaningful discussion, you might want to pursue a conversation like this: “I know my need for order might be maddening to you, and I know you don’t throw your clothes on the floor just to test me, but can we explore this subject and see if we can find a solution to satisfy my need for tidiness and your need to unwind without restrictions?” Don’t be cynical or guarded, but have an equitable “give and take” with an aim on finding a working plan about the matter going forward.

Ask your spouse what motivates him and what rubs him the wrong way. It will do you a world of good to know how he’s wired and how he best responds to your needs. And, of course, positive reinforcement goes a long way to affirming how important something is to you. When he finally does pick up his clothes, be sure to express your gratitude that he was sensitive to your need.

While you have a right to make a reasonable request for help at home or at work, always keep in mind nagging is a communication “don’t.” Those who feel harassed want to avoid you, not come to your aid. But learn how to courteously ask for what you want and state it in a manner that describes your desire for someone’s help and you’ll get results.

Learning the Lingo

Foreign expressions are rampant and play a vital role not only in the English language, but other global tongues as well. Understanding these figures of speech can help you become a better conversationalist and will allow you to decipher what others mean when they use the terms.

Here are a few of the most commonly used phrases:

Ad hoc – Latin (ad hok)
For this purpose or for a special purpose.

Ad infinitum — Latin (ad in-fuh-nahy-tuhm)
To infinity.

Ad nauseam — Latin (ad naw-zee-uhm)
To a sickening degree.

Aficionado — Spanish (uh-fish-yuh-nah-doh)
A zealous devotee.

Bete Noire — French (bet nwar)
Literal: black beast. Anything one avoids or fears.

Bona fide — Latin (boh-nuh fahyd)
Authentic. Without fraud.

Carpe diem — Latin (kahr-pe dee-em)
Seize the day; enjoy the moment.

Carte Blanche — French (kart blawnsh)
Literal: a blank page. Having discretionary power.

Caveat emptor — Latin (kav-ee-aht emp-tawr)
Let the buyer beware.

Cul-de-sac — French (kuhl-duh-sak)
Literal: bottom of the sack. The expression originated in England by French-speaking aristocrats. Refers to a dead-end street, but is often used metaphorically to describe a task that leads to nowhere.

Deja Vu — French (day-zha voo)
Literal: already seen. To perceive that one has already seen or done something in the past.

Dolce Vita — Italian (dawl-che vee-tah)
The sweet life or the good life, filled with pleasure and self-indulgence.

Faux pas — French (foe-pah)
Literal: false step. An offensive social occurrence, or an embarrassing action.

Gauche — French (goash)
Literal: left, as in direction. Lacking in tact or social graces.

Je ne sais quoi — French (zhuhnuh se kwa)
I know not what; an elusive feature.

Laissez-faire — French (lessay fare)
Literal: let do. A policy of noninterference.

Nom de plume — French (nom duh ploom)
Pen name

Nota bene — Latin (noh-tah be-ne)
Take notice of something important.

Per — Latin (pur)
Literal: through, by means of. In accordance, or according to.

Per se — Latin (pur sey)
An expression that means “by itself” or “intrinsically.”

Persona non grata — Latin (per-soh-nah nohn grah-tah)
An unacceptable or an unwelcome person.

Pro bono — Latin (proh boh-noh)
Free, without charge.

Quid Pro Quo — Latin (kwid pro kwo)
Literal: something for something. A favor done in exchange for another.

Raison D’etre — French (rehzon detra)
Literal: reason to be. Reason for being.

Savoir-faire — French (sav-wahr-fair)
The finesse to say and do the correct thing. Tact.

Status quo — Latin (stat us kwo)
Literal: state in which. The way things are presently.

Tete a tete — French (tate a tate)
Literal: head to head. A “pow-wow” or private dialogue between two people.

Verboten — German (ver-boht-n)
Prohibited or forbidden.

Vis-a- vis — French (veez a vee)
Literal: face to face. In relation to or as compared to.

Wunderkind — German (woon der kind)
Literal: child prodigy. A person who succeeds, especially at a young age.

Yin & yang — Chinese (yin and yang)
Literal: dark and bright. Two opposite yet complementary forces. Yin is feminine and yielding while yang is masculine and assertive.

Learning Tip:

Since learning these expressions means you’re essentially learning a new language, some people tend to avoid these terms claiming they simply are not adept with foreign words. Here is a quick tip to help you retain these translations and their meanings:

**Use one term a day in a written note or e-mail. The old saying “use it or lose it” summarizes this method. Studies show by utilizing newfound information, you can help solidify it in your mind and behavior.

And once you master these words, try to come up with some others on your own. Communication is an ongoing learning process and employing new English, as well as foreign words, can help you become a masterful speaker in your personal and professional sphere.

The Sorry Apology

Your friend trusted you with a special secret you didn’t keep; and soon it got back to her. You were running late for work this morning and snapped at your son because you felt he made you even more late. A disagreement with your husband turned into a full-fledged fight and you lashed out with harsh and derogatory statements you still regret having said.

We all know how it feels to be hurt by another’s words or actions. But when we’re the culprit who has harmed or offended others, do we take the necessary steps to make things right?

Sometimes it’s just easier to forget it and move on — or, we think people will let our comments slide, after all, time heals all things, right? Wrong. Unresolved verbal damage doesn’t just evaporate. Like an untreated wound, it simply festers and can sever relationships, affect others’ sense of confidence, or even lead to further destruction over time.

If we’ve been guilty of causing injury with our words, saying we’re sorry is the most straightforward way we can help others recover from the pain we’ve caused. But apologizing and asking for forgiveness is probably one of the most difficult things for most people to do. That’s why so many of us simply don’t. But if we’re gutsy enough to face the music and take responsibility for our inappropriate actions, then we’ll need to learn how to make an authentic apology … and mean it.

Contrary to what many might believe, an apology is not a sign of weakness; it takes a tremendous amount of courage and dignity to stand accountable. It is also not an announcement of defeat; it doesn’t signify “you win, I lose.” Apologizing is a selfless act able to disarm hurt, anger and bitterness and can even make the repentant one feel better. But what we say and how we say it can make the difference between patching things up or making the situation worse.
For an apology to get the most “bang for its buck,” it should be as specific as possible. “I’m sorry I said those unkind things,” is good, but “I’m sorry I said you are not as attractive as you use to be” is more effective because it demonstrates to the scorned person you are aware of the exact words that caused him or her pain. But don’t attach an “if” to your apology, it dilutes your sincerity and does not exhibit a complete attitude of penitence.

“I’m sorry I was insensitive” is admirable but, “I’m sorry if I was insensitive” is not.

“I’m sorry I said you are ignorant” is more earnest than “I’m sorry if I offended you when I said you are ignorant.”

“I’m sorry for betraying your confidence” is more genuine than “I’m sorry if you feel I betrayed your confidence.”

“I’m sorry my comments were sarcastic” is more effectual than “I’m sorry if my sarcastic comments bothered you.”

“Sorry if” is a conditional apology, which can exacerbate the problem. And “I’m really sorry you’re angry” doesn’t work either. This simply declares you realize the person is hurt but you are not necessarily to blame. And it’s best to stick with the basic “I’m sorry” script, because substituting other words can extend the issue further. Saying “I regret” or anything other than just plain “sorry” can make others feel you are trying to dance around an admission of guilt. “I apologize” is good, as long as you leave out the “if” scenario here, too.

The word “but” as in “I’m sorry for hurting you, but…” is equally as destructive as the word “if” in an apology. Again, it’s another way to excuse your behavior instead of just “fessing up” and saying an unadulterated “I’m sorry.”

A proper apology should always include the following elements:

• A statement of remorse
• Asking for forgiveness
• A detailed account of the situation
• Acknowledgement of the hurt or damage caused
• Taking responsibility for the situation
• Taking accountability for your role in the event
• Restitution if necessary

Although saying sorry can be complex and unpredictable, here are a few guidelines to help you deliver a more effective apology:

• A statement of remorse should communicate regret and acknowledge personal responsibility.
• Requesting forgiveness should be done face to face or on the phone. A text message or e-mail does not allow for a healthy back and forth verbal exchange, and can be misconstrued as impersonal.
• Clearly acknowledge you understand you have hurt the other person.
• Don’t defend yourself or blame others for your hurtful behavior.
• Avoid the temptation to start debating about who started the verbal combat first.
• Allow the offended party the opportunity to express their pain and hurt.
• Say sorry as soon as you’re able to. Waiting too long breeds bitterness and more ill feelings between both parties.
• Be sincere. Many people can be so caught up with getting forgiven, clearing a name or making peace that they can come off disingenuous. But be sure you actually acknowledge your part in the wrongdoing and own up to it.
• Don’t have someone else apologize on your behalf.
• You can describe what led you to cause the insult or attack, but don’t use the opportunity to make excuses or justify your behavior.

Stating you will be careful to never let this happen again (and making sure to keep your word) will go a long way in restoring relationship. Repeating your misdeed, however, cancels out your apology.

Don’t fret if you are not immediately forgiven. Sometimes the offended party needs time to digest your apology. And an apology for a serious offense can be a long and an ongoing process. But at least you’ll have the sense of satisfaction knowing you’ve owned up to what you’ve done.

Even a longstanding grudge can be resolved with a clear and sincere apology, so don’t ever think it’s too late to say sorry. Although just a few simple words, saying sorry can go a long way in restoring relationships and delivering healing to someone who may have suffered because of an unkind statement or attack.