The ABCs of Ex Etiquette

(This is an excerpt from the book “It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown: Get over the Big One and Change Your Life – for Good!”)

The most common question people ask me is whether or not it’s possible to stay friends with an ex after a breakup while still moving on. And nine times out of ten my answer is always the same-no. Why? Because as hard as it may be to accept, your relationship is over. This person is now your ex.

The relationship ended for a reason. It’s now time to EXtract your ex from your life, give yourself time to heal and create the space to move on. Most people who try to stay friends with their ex are just doing so in hopes of either rekindling the relationship or using the other person as a crutch until someone better comes along. What happens when it’s the other person who moves on first? Ouch!

Of course, there are certain circumstances in which you can’t avoid maintaining a relationship with your ex, but for now, the following is a cheat sheet on appropriate ways of communicating with your ex after the Big Breakup:

By Phone
The reasons for talking to your ex on the phone are … wait. There are none. Delete his number from your cell phone. And if he leaves you a message, listen to it only once in case your million-dollar check from Publishers Clearing House somehow ended up at his address. Then delete immediately and move on.

Via Email, IM, Text Messaging, MySpace
After you’ve arranged to return each other’s stuff, delete your ex from your email address book, your MySpace friends list and your instant messaging contacts. That way when you’re having a fragile moment at 3 a.m., you’re not tempted to contact him. (the repercussions the following day can be both embarrassing and costly to your recovery). And if you were hoping to keep tabs on your ex by tracking his every online move or possible new dating adventures via his MySpace page? Don’t do it. It’ll just make you wonder who he’s talking to (or obsess about those girls who keep posting messages to him) and you don’t need that. Remove his page from your favorites and look for a new friend or two to take his MySpace place.

In Person
And because there are just too many emotions swirling around in your post-breakup head, you should avoid seeing your ex in person at all costs. If you see your ex too soon, you run the risk of suffering potentially bad consequences, including any or all of the following:

1. Losing face by crying hysterically
2. Waking up beside him the next morning and realizing you just had sex with your ex
3. Getting arrested for assault and battery

Let’s face it. None of these situations are ideal. So if you can, avoid seeing your ex until your emotions are more stable. Only you can determine when that will be (and it’s okay to say never!).
There you have it. The ABCs of ex etiquette. Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist is an accomplished relationship writer, speaker, and coach. She is the site creator of BreakupChronicles.com featuring stories of how breaking up with the wrong person is the right thing to do (and always leads to bigger and better opportunities in life – including meeting Mr. or Ms. Right!). Her first book “It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown: Get over the Big One and Change Your Life – for Good!” is available at The Savvy Gal Store.

The Post-Breakup Six Month Secret

(excerpt from It’s A Breakup, Not A Breakdown)

When you’re going through a breakup people want to give you a lot of advice. Some of it is useful. If I told you there was only one thing you had to do to get over your breakup, would you do it?

Think about that for a minute. You have to do only one thing, and you’re guaranteed to get over the pain of your breakup that much quicker. This one thing will make all the difference, not only in how you handle the breakup but also in how quickly you move on. Sounds too good to be true? It’s not! And that’s what’s so fabulous about it. It is time-tested, practically foolproof.

Are you ready? Here it is. All you have to do to ensure an easier post-breakup recovery is this: Stop thinking about your ex.

Now I know what you might be thinking — I’ve just asked you to do the impossible. But I haven’t, and that’s the brilliance of the secret weapon! When I told you to stop thinking about your ex, I didn’t mean you could never have another thought about him. That would be practically impossible. What I meant was that the key to getting through your breakup as smoothly as possible is to put the focus on you — your healing and your new life, not on your ex and his new life. The sooner you let go of wondering where he is, who he’s with (stop that!), and what he’s doing, the sooner you’ll be able to move on.

But here’s the catch (and I think it’s equally fabulous!): Only you have the power to do this. If you give yourself permission here and now — and I mean today — to let go of your ex and move on from this breakup, you will do it. And six months from now, just imagine where you’ll be.

Reasons why you might not want to let go
If the idea of letting go of your ex excites you, congratulations! You’re extraordinarily brave and bold and ready to move on. And you’re free to skip over this next part. However, if the idea completely terrifies you, you’re not alone. In fact, you’re perfectly normal. Walking away from a significant other, even after a breakup, may be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.

The following is a list of reasons why you might be resisting the need to let go. Once we pinpoint the reason, we can identify your breakup persona and figure out how to let go and move on for good.

You still love him
Plain and simple, you’re still in love with your ex. Take heart, my friend. You’re not the first fab female — and you definitely won’t be the last — to harbor feelings for an ex. Your breakup persona is the Hopeless Romantic. The good news is that you’ll definitely find love again. And with the right guy, your heart will be in good hands. A word of caution, though — Hopeless Romantics have a tendency to hold on to relationships long after they’re over. And in doing so, you just might run into your ex’s new girlfriend. Double ouch! Walk away, Hopeless Romantic, while your dignity’s still intact.

You’re worried about him
Are you worried about how Mr. Ex will function without you? Worried that his fragile state has been made more so by the breakup? You’re not alone. Your breakup persona is the Caretaker. Let’s be clear — there’s nothing wrong with taking care of someone (as long as it’s the right someone). But if you’re a magnet for every stray guy who’s out there, you’re in for a lifetime of romantic pain and suffering. And Caretakers beware — ex-boyfriends are notorious for taking advantage of your good nature. D.N.R. (do not resuscitate).

You’re not sure it’s really over
Are you still holding out hope that your relationship isn’t totally over? Do you have lots of unanswered questions and find yourself regularly asking Why? Do these unanswered questions paralyze you, making it impossible to move on? Your breakup persona is the Crime Scene Investigator. CSIs tend to linger too long at the breakup scene. They may even muddy the evidence by going back and sleeping with their ex after all is said and done. But this only leads to more questions, and it’s risky behavior to be avoided at all costs. If you’re a CSI, the best thing you can do for your heart is accept that not all of your questions will be answered and give yourself permission to move on anyway.

You’re afraid no one else will come along
This is probably the most dangerous breakup belief of all because it sells you and your fabulousness completely short! If you feel this way, your persona is the Pessimist. Pessimists tend to settle for less than they deserve in relationships because they haven’t fully discovered their own magnificence. They gravitate toward relationships with people they think can help them or make them happy. But the only person who can ultimately make you happy is — you guessed it — you! If you’re a Pessimist, the best thing you can do post-Big Breakup is take some much-needed time for self nurturing, focus on fixing the cracks in your self-esteem and learn to love yourself as you are. (And stay very far away from your ex!)

Your biological clock is tick, tick, ticking

Afraid to let go of your ex because your biological clock is ticking away like a time bomb? If you think that time is running out on your chance to get married or have a baby, then your breakup persona is Chicken Little. The good news is that just like Chicken Little, not only is the sky not falling, but you are not running out of time. Just look around and you’ll see that women are getting married and having babies well into their forties. And don’t forget, adoption and surrogacy are fantastic alternatives to good old-fashioned pregnancy. The thing I always remind my fab female friends is that if you want to get married, all you have to do is go out there and find some guy who’s looking to get married, too. There’s no guarantee you’ll be happy, but you will be married. Instead, why not set your sights on a more satisfying goal, like creating a happy life for your single self? You’re much more likely to attract a healthy and happy partner if you’re healthy and happy on your own. In the meantime, a word of caution: Ex-boyfriends love to prey on Chicken Little’s paranoia. Don’t give in (and don’t give up — you’re far too fabulous for that!).

Deciphering your breakup persona
The good thing about identifying your breakup persona is that it helps you better understand why you might not want to move on from your ex. It also helps you better understand how you handle a breakup. And now that we’ve identified where you might be having trouble in your post-breakup recovery, we can talk about why it’s still time to move on.

Fact: Like it or not, your relationship is over.

Fact: You don’t have to know Why to move on (so stop making yourself crazy!).

Fact: The sooner you accept the breakup, the sooner you’ll move on (and you deserve to move on!).

Ultimately, you have a choice. It’s up to you. In six months, do you want to still be thinking about your ex and possibly his new girlfriend, or do you want to be living and loving your new life, with nothing but a fleeting thought of your ex and an afterthought of Thank God? Only you know the answer, but I hope you’ll make the decision that has your best interests at heart. For additional breakup resources, visit www.BreakupChronicles.com to share your breakup stories, meet other breakup survivors in the online community, and shop for inspiring, insightful, and/or celebratory t-shirts, journals and more in The Breakup Shop.

Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist is an accomplished relationship writer, speaker, and coach. She is the site creator of BreakupChronicles.com featuring stories of how breaking up with the wrong person is the right thing to do (and always leads to bigger and better opportunities in life – including meeting Mr. or Ms. Right!). Her first book It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown: Get over the Big One and Change Your Life – for Good! is available at The Savvy Gal Store.

After The Breakup: The ABCs of Moving Out and On

(This is an excerpt from the book “It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown: Get over the Big One and Change Your Life – for Good!”)

Congratulations on your breakup! Nobody ever says that, do they? But they should. Breakups are big. And not just because of the heartache and pain, but because of the empowering pleasure that comes from eventually moving on. If you’re not there yet, don’t worry. You’ll get there. One day soon enough you’ll be minding your own business, actively engaged in your new and amazing life and you’ll realize, I’m over it. Doesn’t that sound exciting?

If at the time of your breakup you and your ex were living together, your post-breakup progress depends upon your ability to clean house. And by that I mean the quicker you part domestic ways, the better. If you can move out, great! Sure it can be a costly pain in the butt initially, but it will save your heart a lot of hurt in the long run. By breaking up with both your relationship and your shared space, you get to create a whole new home to heal and move on in. (Now that’s a win-win!)

Moving out (and on)
If you’re the one moving out, do so as quickly as possible. Even if you have to move in with friends momentarily, it’s better than crashing at the scene of the crime for weeks on end. You can always put your stuff in storage until you find a more permanent place to live. Or maybe you’ll luck out and find the apartment of your dreams in your ideal price range right away. After a particularly painful breakup of mine, I stumbled upon my first solo apartment — a cute studio in my favorite neighborhood within weeks of moving out. I’d initially thought I might be staying at my sister’s place for a few months until I found something.

Exit etiquette
If you’re the one who’s moving out, arrange a time for you to pack up your belongings when your ex is not home. The less contact you have right now, the better. (You don’t want a bad breakup to escalate into a shouting match, restraining orders for the both of you, or worse, reconciliation with the wrong person!) If at all possible, do not rely on your ex to pack your things. As hard as it may be to return to your shared space, you need to be responsible for your stuff. Plus, depending on how your ex feels about the breakup, your belongings might not make it to their new home in one piece.

After you’ve packed everything up, try to schedule your move for a time when your ex isn’t around, too. That will alleviate any unnecessary tension and stress. However, if your ex decides to be difficult, insisting he be there to ensure you’re not trashing the apartment in his absence or packing up any of his stuff (like you want his back issues of FHM or his video games that used to make you crazy), ask a friend along for moral support. Your ex is less likely to be a jerk if there’s a witness.

Staying put (and still moving on!)
And if your ex is the one to heave ho? Show him the same courtesy you’d expect of him by making yourself scarce when he’s packing his things and moving out. If you’re worried about him trashing or stealing your stuff, ask a trustworthy guy friend to supervise in your absence. And try to resolve any security deposit issues, rent worries, or other financial issues amicably (and ASAP). Neither one of you needs to drag things out, act petty, or throw a temper tantrum. Things are difficult enough right now. You’re both adults. Act like it. (And be sure to get his keys back so that you don’t have to worry about any post-breakup revenge rage at 3 A.M.)

Exorcising your ex
Once your ex has moved out, you’ll want to follow these post-breakup rituals to help exorcise your ex:
* Get rid of any evidence that your ex actually existed: This includes old photos, his cologne under your bathroom sink, the alma mater mug he used to slurp coffee from, and so on.
* Rearrange furniture so things don’t look exactly the same: Just be sure to plug in a night light so you don’t trip over that footstool or bookcase on your 4 A.M. trip to the bathroom.
* Replace items your ex took with things that make you happy: Brighten your space with colorful flowers, a new picture on the wall, or that end table you’ve been eyeing that your ex always thought was too girly but you’re now free to buy.
* Sleep in the middle of the bed: It’s all yours, Baby!

If you follow these house rules, your breakup recovery will be that much smoother. Of course, there will still be times when it’s hard. Just remember — when you’re in the middle of all that breakup angst, you’re not having a breakdown. You’re breaking up so that you can eventually move on. (And that totally rocks!) When in doubt, visit www.BreakupChronicles.com to share your breakup stories, meet other breakup survivors in the online community, and shop for inspiring, insightful, and/or celebratory t-shirts, journals, and more in The Breakup Shop.

Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist is an accomplished relationship writer, speaker, and coach. She is the site creator of BreakupChronicles.com featuring stories of how breaking up with the wrong person is the right thing to do (and always leads to bigger and better opportunities in life – including meeting Mr. or Ms. Right!). Her first book It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown: Get over the Big One and Change Your Life – for Good! is available at The Savvy Gal Store.

How to Breakup With Your Bad Relationship Beliefs: A 12-Step Guide

Before you can kick a bad habit — you first have to identify the habit. And for many single women, that bad habit often revolves around relationships. Can you think of any dysfunctional, destructive, difficult beliefs you might have about love and relationships?

1. Do you choose men who are incapable of meeting your emotional needs?

2. Do you chase men who aren’t interested in you?

3. Do you think that a man will fix all your problems?

4. Do you think love have to be difficult, painful, hard?

Regardless of what your bad love habit is, you can kick the habit for good with the following 12-step program:

Step 1: Acknowledge the problem
It’s important to not only identify what your limiting belief is, but to acknowledge how it sabotages your romantic relationships. For me, being addicted to bad love meant that I was drawn to men who were not capable of meeting my needs and then getting upset when they failed to meet those needs. If you’ve identified your bad love habit, now’s the time to acknowledge it.

Step 2: Hold yourself accountable
I used to think that my only problem in relationships was that I chose the wrong men. I thought they were the real problem. And that was an easy cop out. The truth is, I was drawn to the drama of bad relationships. Ultimately, I was dooming any chance at a good relationship because I was unhealthy and therefore attracting unhealthy partners. And until I acknowledged my participation in those failed relationships, nothing was going to change. It was a painful realization, but a necessary one to my recovery. So, what actions can you hold yourself accountable for that will aid your “recovery?”

Step 3: Let go of old patterns and habits
This step can be hard because it means we have to let go of our limiting beliefs about love and relationships. For me, I realized that the only kind of love I thought I deserved was bad love — the kind that hurt, the kind that made me chase it. In order to let go of those destructive notions, I had let go of my limiting beliefs about love, and trust that the right love would find me when I was ready for it … when I was capable of loving myself in healthy, happy, grown-up ways. What old pattern, habit or limiting belief can you let go of that will help you in your pursuit of healthy love?

Step 4: Believe you deserve to be happy
Are you trapped in the notion that, “My life will be better when …” and then fill in the blanks? Whether it’s paying off debts, losing weight, getting a new job or finding the love of your life, putting off happiness until some external thing happens is a vicious cycle. The truth is, we’re all worthy of love just as we are right now. Can you embrace and work that into your belief system today? What, if any, resistance pops up?

Step 5: Live/Love Your Life
Just like we’re not sure we deserve happiness in the here and now, we may also be unsure how to love our lives as they are. Maybe you want to get married and it’s just not happening. Maybe you want a baby but you can’t find a partner. Maybe you hate your job. And while there are some things in our lives we just can’t change, it’s important to still find ways to love your life in the here and now. If you’re stressed about finding Mr. Right, how would you feel to put the search on hold while celebrating the fabulous single life you already have? If you’re feeling the tick, tick, tick of your biological clock, what would happen if you turned down the volume and focused on other areas of your life? If you hate your job, look for another one. And if you’re not going to do that, then make peace with the fact that your career isn’t going to fulfill you — and find something else that will. Volunteer. Take a class. Plan a much-needed vacation.

The key to loving your life is to LIVE your life, as it is right now, in this moment. You don’t need to meet Mr. Right in order to be happy. And whether you do or don’t find him is not a reflection on the quality of your life. What would happen if you let go of all that self-imposed pressure and lightened up? Chances are, you’ll fall madly in love with your life. Can you identify one thing you might lighten up about that will help you live and love your life right now?

Step 6: Reframe old/destructive notions about love
In the past, my ideas about love kept me from finding the authentic love I deserved. I thought love had to be painful, difficult, a struggle. I couldn’t imagine finding someone who liked the real me, warts and all. And that was the problem. If I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t believe it. And so I started changing how I saw love. Every day when I woke up and again before bed, I finished the following sentence, “Love is …” Some days I couldn’t think of anything so I borrowed from the old standby — “Love is patient. Love is kind.” But more often than not, I created a new love vocabulary. “Love is real. Love is here. Love is healthy. Love is whole. Love is unconditional.” Can you identify some new vocabulary words that will help you reframe how you feel about love and relationships? Would you be willing to do this exercise everyday for 30 days? You’ll be surprised at what happens!

Step 7: Figure out what you want
Once upon a time, the only path for fabulous females was to meet a man, get married, settle down and have babies. But we’re lucky enough to live in an age when that’s not the only life goal anymore. If it happens to be your life goal, that’s fantastic! But if it’s just something you think you should do because everyone else is doing it, you may want to rethink your plans. Plenty of women remain single. Plenty more find a partner but don’t have children. And yes, there are still plenty of fabulous females who get married and have children. What’s most important is looking at what you really want and what really works for you and your life. Are you willing to take an honest look at your life and figure out what you really want?

Step 8: Shake things up
Once you’ve figured out what you really want, it’s time to go for it! And this is where things get really fun. Give yourself permission to take some risks. You may be surprised to find that taking those risks isn’t nearly as scary as you thought — and may actually be fun! Is there one action you can take very soon that will help shake things up?

Step 9: Practice (a lot!)
Once you’re clear about your intentions for your new and improved life, it’s time to get out there and put it into practice! If you want to date, date a lot! If you want to take time off to enjoy your life, then enjoy your fabulous single life to the fullest! Now’s the time to put the previous steps into action and really live and love your life! Remember, the only result you’re looking for is to have F-U-N. How freeing is that?

Step 10: Be open to the possibilities
Don’t be surprised if people treat you differently with your new outlook. Be prepared to meet new and interesting people. And be open to the possibilities! You never know who you’ll meet or what purpose they’ll serve in your life. Maybe they’ll help you find that new job. Or give you that much-needed break you’ve been searching for. And maybe you’ll meet Mr. Right! Your only job right now is to say, “Why not?”

Step 11: Reap the rewards of your efforts
It’s amazing what will come to you when you’re healthy, happy and in love with your life. Be prepared for unexpected surprises and rewards!

Step 12: Repeat (if necessary)
Like kicking any bad habit, breaking up with bad love habits is never easy. It takes time, commitment and perseverance. You may find that you have to revisit the steps several times along the way. After all, old habits die hard. But don’t give up. It’s worth the effort!

Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist, is an accomplished relationship writer, speaker, and coach. She is the site creator of BreakupChronicles.com featuring stories of how breaking up with the wrong person is the right thing to do (and always leads to bigger and better opportunities in life — including meeting Mr. Right!). Her first book “It’s A Break Up, Not a Break Down: Get over the Big One and Change Your Life – for Good!” will be available May 8th. Recently, Lisa has been featured on The Tyra Banks Show, Fox Across America and more espousing the positive side breaking up.