Helping Your Daughter Feel Good About Her Body

We take part in the teaching of our daughters on how to feel about their bodies. Society plays a role; but our own insecurities can be transferred to these young women.

Thanks to Twitter, I’ve been able to connect with some amazing women who share my goal: To help women love and appreciate their bodies exactly as they are.

One of my new friends is Dara Chadwick, author of “You’d Be So Pretty If … Teaching our daughters to love their bodies- even when we don’t love our own.”

She kindly sent me a copy of her book and I devoured it with gusto. In fact, in a phone conversation we had, I told her that I wish that I had written this book because it’s all about what I try to teach mothers about raising their daughters to be whole, healthy and self-confident people. If you are a mother of one or more girls, you must buy this book and read it cover-to-cover. There is so much wisdom contained within.

Dara is the mother of a “tween” and shares hilarious and heart-rendering stories of how she is learning to change how she talks about her own body in front of her daughter, thus helping her feel good in her own skin. When I work with teens with disordered eating, I always bring mothers into therapy because, unfortunately, they are often teaching their daughter(s) (often unconsciously) to dislike the size and shape of their bodies. Upon further examination, I almost always discover that my client’s mother was taught to dislike her body by her own mother. Thus, the multigenerational transmission process continues down through generations of girls and women …

The good news is that it only takes one generation to change the pattern for good. By teaching mothers and daughters to stop waging war on their bodies, we can consciously create a whole new breed of empowered women who flourish in self-love and self-acceptance. We, as women, whether we are mothers, aunts, sisters, grandmothers or friends, have the power to stop deadly eating disorders in their tracks. This is no small feat. I’d like to leave you with some tips from Dara, which will get you started.

Five Ways to Boost Your Daughter’s Body Image

Adapted from “You’d Be So Pretty If … Teaching our daughters to love their bodies- even when we don’t love our own,” by Dara Chadwick

Here are five tips on how you can set a positive body example for your daughter — no matter how you may feel about the way you look:

• Change your tune: If you’re usually harsh or critical about your appearance in front of your daughter, make sure she hears you say at least one positive thing about yourself each day. A simple, “I like the way my hair looks today” or “I like the cut of these pants” is a great first step toward creating a more positive body image.
• Don’t do comedy: Humour can be a defense mechanism when you don’t feel good about yourself, but your jokes about your body aren’t fooling here. It’s OK to laugh together — even about your bodies, occasionally — but don’t make your butt the “butt” of every joke.
• Corral your compliments: Resist the urge to focus on weight when doling out compliments to friends and family. Let your daughter hear you tell a friend she looks fantastic or healthy or happy without it being about having lost weight.
• Examine your example: Don’t refuse to wear a bathing suit or dance at a wedding because you think you’re too big or don’t look right. You’ll be teaching her that only “perfect” people get to have fun in life. Do what you can to look your best, then forget it. Be bold when you need to, and show her that it’s good to speak your mind, take your place and be noticed.
• Skip the mirror: No one’s advocating leaving the house without a glance at yourself. But once you’ve done it, resist the urge to constantly re-check your look in mirrors, store windows or any other reflective surface. You know you look fine, so just let the obsession go.

Our daughters can grow up with healthy self-talk and a healthy self-image, if we ourselves practice what we want them to learn and live.

Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counselor, is the author the book and audio program, “It’s Not About the Food: A Woman’s Guide To Making Peace with Food and Our Bodies” (www.endyoureatingdisorder.com) and “Dump That Chump” (www.dumpthatchump.com), and “What Your Mama Can’t or Won’t Teach You” (www.guidebooktowomanhood.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women’s Community Counsellor, to uplift and inspire women at: www.estherkane.com.

Blasts From the Past

Many of my clients express confusion and concern about the new complexities of human relationships that have resulted from the advent of Facebook and other Web sites that make you easily accessible to the world, including people from your past. I, personally, took myself off of Facebook after about two weeks precisely for this reason.

Clients often ask what my take is on posting yourself on Facebook and similar sites, and what to do when people contact you from the past that you’re not sure you want to reconnect with. So in this short article, I’m going to share my thoughts on this topic in the hopes that it may help you navigate the often rocky river of the ever-expanding “here I am all the time for all to see” technology that we are now “blessed” with …

I am someone who likes to keep things simple wherever possible so what immediately comes to mind for me is how things were in days gone by. Back then, people knew a small circle of people within their own communities and tended to not move far away. In fact, it was common for multiple generations of one family to all live under the same roof! As bizarre as this may seem to us now, it was the norm for much of recorded history and the way we live now would probably seem bizarre to people from back then.

Also, there were more limited ways for people to communicate — it was either in person, or by letter. Later on, telegrams and telephones came into being so communication options expanded, but never before throughout human history have we had so many ways to get in touch with each other. Everywhere you go, people are texting each other or calling each other on cell phones, e-mailing, or sending messages on one of many communication Web sites like Facebook.

There are definitely advantages to this: worried parents can keep tabs on their teens, people can get help when their cars break down in the middle of nowhere, and we can find people we have lost contact with and find out how they’re doing and what they are up to. I think things get a bit more confusing when we have people from our pasts contacting us who we don’t really want to reconnect with.

It seems to me that a lot of people assume that just because we are easier to find, that we welcome everybody who contacts us. I know from personal and professional experience, and this is not often the case.

While there is no right answer on how to deal with these situations, I have come up with some suggestions, which I hope you find helpful:

Esther’s Top Five Tips For Managing “Blasts From The Past”

When you receive an invitation to reconnect from someone you used to know, remember that you have the right to choose to accept or decline the invitation. Just because they want to reconnect doesn’t mean you want to or have to.

1. Take at least 24 hours to mull it over before responding so you don’t end up doing something you will regret later. Sometimes it’s difficult to rid yourself of someone you mistakenly opened the communication door to if you later change your mind.
2. When considering reconnecting, reflect on what would be gained by doing so. For example, if this person treated you badly in the past, they will probably do it again in future. If, however, you really enjoyed this person’s company and were very good to you, you might gain a whole new friendship that would serve you well at this time in your life.
3. Consider the reasons for why this person is no longer in your life — often, it’s for a good reason. For example, if it’s an ex-lover who you were totally addicted to, but made you feel unhinged, it’s probably not wise to invite this person back to mess with your peace of mind now.
4. If at all possible, try to find out as much as you can about who this person is now by reading their “profile” (if possible) — you can usually get a good idea whether you’d be suited to be friends in the present by getting some background information.

Choose what is best for you at this point in your life. Maintain your network of friends and family who bring joy to your life.

Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counselor, is the author of the soon-to-be-released book and audio program, “It’s Not About the Food: A Woman’s Guide To Making Peace with Food and Our Bodies”

(www.endyoureatingdisorder.com) and “Dump That Chump”( www.dumpthatchump.com), and “What Your Mama Can’t or Won’t Teach You”( www.guidebooktowomanhood.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women’s Community Counsellor, to uplift and inspire women at: www.estherkane.com

The Wisdom of our Grandparents

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the amazing power of grandparents in women’s development and growth. I cannot tell you how many clients have told me stories of how, despite turbulent childhoods, they were kept on a healthy path due to the influence of grandparents. This is especially true in my life.

I had an incredibly chaotic and turbulent upbringing and when people ask me how I turned out to be a solid, and mostly healthy, woman, my answer is, “my grandparents.”

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I was particularly blessed in this department. I was the first and only grandchild (until the age of 15 when my only cousin was born) of all four of my grandparents! Not only this, but I was an only child which gave me extra “spoiling leverage.”

My parents were from the hippie generation and, in short, provided a very unstable and unpredictable family environment. While I appreciate the creativity, open-mindedness and interesting aspects of growing up like this, I most certainly suffered from a lack of structure and stability growing up. This is where grandparents come in … they were my saviors during those years. I was blessed with being sent off to spend every summer with all four (alternating between both sets) and received 100 percent love, affection and undivided attention from all four of them for at least two months of the year until I was twelve years old. I was the “apple of their eyes” and I cannot possibly put into words what this has done for my development as a human being.

On my mother’s side, my grandfather, Mel, was the head of the Physiology department at the University of Alberta for 20-plus years and came from the wrong side of the tracks of the Jewish ghetto of Montreal. He worked his way up from short order cook to doctor and was a leader in his field of medicine.

My maternal grandmother, Ruth, escaped the Holocaust in Riga, Latvia in 1939 and came to Canada. She went on to become a biologist and teacher and raised three children.

On my father’s side, my grandfather, Ben, ran his own fish shop in London, England and upon retirement, opened a rare bookseller’s business — he was an avid reader and bookworm extraordinaire.

My paternal grandmother, Ida, had been an independent financially self-sufficient woman working as a bookkeeper before settling down and having a family in her mid-30s.

All of my grandparents adored me, and I, them. From a combination of all of their guidance and love, I developed many passions and abilities including reading and studying, handicrafts, appreciating music and art, and cooking. I consider myself extremely lucky to have gotten to know and love all of these amazing people so well and to have them all in my life until my mid-20s. I have one remaining grandparent living in London, England — my granny Ruth. She is 85 years young and speaks seven languages fluently (she has recently learned Italian). She travels extensively. In fact, as I write this, she is gallivanting around Russia “just because!” She knits like a pro, volunteers her time teaching children, takes language classes, cooks for everyone she knows, goes out to the theatre and museums and galleries, and reads everything in print. She’s like a walking encyclopedia!

From all of my grandparents combined, I have learned too many things to list, but I will highlight the most profound:

The Wisdom

• Don’t wallow in sadness and grief — you have to keep living despite tragic circumstances.
• Life is an incredible gift and you must live it to the fullest — there are so many amazing things to see, hear, taste, touch, and smell — try them all!
• Give to others selflessly and you will be given more than you can imagine.
• Educate yourself and learn as much as you can to be able to contribute to the world.
• Don’t buy a lot and don’t overspend, but when you do buy something, only buy the very best.
• Cooking and feeding others is one of the greatest pleasures in life — enjoy it!
• Don’t waste — it’s very bad indeed.
• Give to the poor and those in need — it could be you someday.
• Have hobbies that allow you to lose yourself in delight — they don’t have to be “productive” — just enjoyable.
• Maintain connections with friends and family and let them know how much they mean to you.
• Laugh lots — you’re only alternative is to cry …
• Don’t take yourself too seriously or you’ll be a drag to be around.
• Get out and see the world — it’s a fascinating place!
• Eat something fattening and indulgent even when you’re not hungry once in a while for the sheer pleasure of it.
• Sit in silence — you won’t die. In fact, you may even find some peace.
• Don’t carry a cell phone — why would you want people to be able to contact you at every minute of the day? That’s crazy!
• Computers make people grumpy so don’t use them too often.
• Babies and animals can bring so much pleasure — enjoy your time with them.
• Know who you are and where you come from. That way, you’ll have a better idea of where you’re going and how to get there.
• Working is highly overrated.

I’m guessing you, too, have some “wise elders” in your life or have had in the past. I encourage you to make a list of all the valuable lessons they taught you. Also, I believe that we always need elders and guides in our lives to navigate this fragile experience called life.”

If you don’t have any, go out and find some. It’s a win-win — they probably need you as much as you need them. As my granny often says when I ask her why she doesn’t hang out with people her own age, “They’re no fun. I like young people better.”

We live in a society that unfortunately dismisses our wise elders and all they have to contribute, and this is a terrible waste of resources. I think that the young have so much to gain from hanging out with the old and vice-versa. So find a wise elder today and see how much you can learn …

I’ve gotta go … my knitting group is waiting!

Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counselor, is the author of “Dump That Chump: A Ten-Step Plan for Ending Bad Relationships and Attracting the Fabulous Partner You Deserve” (dumpthatchump.com), and “What Your Mama Can’t or Won’t Teach You: Grown Women’s Stories of Their Teen Years (www.guidebooktowomanhood.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women’s Community Counsellor, to uplift and inspire women at www.estherkane.com.

How to Help Someone With an Eating Disorder

It is often difficult for family and friends to understand why someone they love may be experiencing food and weight problems. Though frustrating, it is important to realize that only the person experiencing the difficulty can make the decision to get help and choose the type they need and want.

An eating disorder is a coping strategy that an individual uses to deal with deeper problems too painful or difficult to address directly. There is a wide range of services available, not all of which will be appropriate for any given person. Since it is not beneficial for him/her to stay in a treatment setting he or she finds unhelpful or possibly even damaging, the sufferer is the one who needs to make the ultimate decision about the help required.

As a psychotherapist who specializes in women with food and body image issues, I often get questions via e-mail and phone regarding how family and friends can help a loved one who is experiencing an eating disorder.

I have some very valuable resources on this topic on my main Web site (http://estherkane.com) under “disordered eating.” I recommend that you peruse these as they have a load of invaluable information for both people with eating disorders and for those who want to support them.

For now, I have gathered what I think are some of the best sources of information on the topic. I hope they are helpful to you or someone you know.

The first section is adapted from The National Eating Disorder Information Centre (Canada) Web site (http://www.nedic.ca); I strongly urge you to check out this site as it has a lot of great information and useful resources.

When first approaching your friend or family member, understand that he or she might not welcome your concern and may even react with anger or denial. The person will discuss their eating disorder with someone when they feel ready. She will probably feel more able to do so when she knows of your concern but it is impossible to force any type of conversation (an exception may be if the condition constitutes a medical emergency).

Be prepared for the possibility that a discussion about their eating problems might not lead to any change in attitude or behavior on their part. Again, this is because the person may have very good reasons for not giving up the eating disorder as a “coping strategy.”

Top 10 Things To Do When Someone You Care About Struggles With Disordered Eating

1. Have patience. Anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive eating can take a long time to resolve. However, recovery is possible. Nothing should be forced upon anyone, as their choices should be their own. This approach encourages empowerment.

2. Support the person. Let the person know you care and that you are aware of what is happening. Listen attentively and allow the person to express her feelings. Be prepared for a range of emotional responses such as denial and anger.

3. Use the right language. Avoid discussions about weight, body shape, fat and food. Focus on activities not associated with food or appearance.

4. Show persistence and love. Maintain a relationship with the person. Do not give up! Though it can be difficult to accept, it is her vulnerability to these destructive patterns that facilitate the preoccupation with weight loss. Keep the lines of communication open. Although the person may pull away from you, do not take their behavior personally.

5. Know that information is power. Find out about disordered eating by visiting support groups, knowing the signs and symptoms, reading books, learning facts and myths, finding resources, talking with peer support, understanding treatments, seeing a counselor, learning about healthy living, body image, and self-esteem. Recovery can be a frustrating process and this knowledge can alleviate feelings of powerlessness.

6. Be a friend. Do not take on the role of therapist. It is the trust between friends that has great value in a healing relationship. Do not badger the person about eating; you cannot cure them. He or she has to take responsibility for changes. It will happen when the person is ready.

7. Avoid judgment. Reflect on and examine your beliefs towards body shape, diets and fat prejudice. Personal comments may unknowingly promote a desire for thinness.

8. Provide resources. Assist the individual to seek help. Be there in the most appropriate way with which you both feel comfortable.

9. Let go of blame. Disordered eating can be a manifestation of many forms of stress. Blame reinforces a sense of failure and distance. Feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and decreased self-confidence are usually contributing factors.

10. Keep in touch. Recovery does not occur in isolation. This may mean seeking advice about your concerns from family members, friends, a school counselor or a public health nurse. Your efforts may save a life. Early intervention increases chances of recovery and decreases the chance of relapse later on.

*Adapted from the NationalEating Disorders Information Centre (Toronto) and the Bulimia Anorexia Nervosa Association (Windsor)

What Can I Do To Prevent Disordered Eating?

1. Learn all you can about anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorder. Genuine awareness will help you avoid judgmental or mistaken attitudes about food, weight, body shape, and eating disorders.
2. Discourage the idea that a particular diet, weight, or body size will automatically lead to happiness and fulfillment.
3. Choose to challenge the false belief that thinness and weight loss are great, while body fat and weight gain are horrible or indicate laziness, worthlessness or immorality.
4. Avoid categorizing foods as “good/safe” vs. “bad/dangerous.” Remember, we all need to eat a balanced variety of foods.
5. Decide to avoid judging others and yourself on the basis of body weight or shape. Turn off the voices in your head that tell you a person’s body weight says anything about their character, personality, or value as a person.
6. Avoid conveying an attitude of, “I will like you better if you lose weight, or don’t eat so much, etc.”
7. Become a critical viewer of the media and its messages about self-esteem and body image. Talk back to the television when you hear a comment or see an image promoting thinness at all costs. Rip out (or better yet, write to the editor about) advertisements or articles in your magazines that make you feel bad about your body shape or size.
8. Be a model of healthy self-esteem and body image. Recognize that others pay attention and learn from the way you talk about yourself and your body. Choose to talk about yourself with respect and appreciation. Choose to value yourself based on your goals, accomplishments, talents and character. Avoid letting the way you feel about your body weight and shape determine the course of your day. Embrace the natural diversity of human bodies and celebrate your body’s unique shape and size.

* Adapted from the National Eating Disorders Association’s website: www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counselor, is the author of the soon-to-be-released book and audio program, “It’s Not About the Food: A Woman’s Guide To Making Peace with Food and Our Bodies.” Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women’s Community Counselor, to uplift and inspire women at: www.estherkane.com.

How to Stop Being A Victim

Let’s just say you may not even know what a narcissist is (nor care) because you feel strong and empowered and don’t take abuse from anyone. But others who see themselves as “victims” of other people’s behaviors are at higher risk for being treated badly than those who don’t see themselves this way. It may sound simple in theory, but it very challenging to change, especially if you grew up with abuse.

Perhaps an example would help:

A client of mine came to see me and spent almost the full hour describing her father’s treatment of her. She listed all of the horrible things he says and does to her and it quickly became clear that he was of the “narcissist-variety” of humans. He put her down in front of others, called her names, expected her full and undivided attention and when he didn’t get it, he abused her verbally … and so on.

When I asked her to come up with some ideas of how she could not be at the receiving end of this intolerable behavior, she just sat there looking at me blankly. I then gently spoke to her about how much choice she had about what she experienced with her father and she answered, “I don’t have any. He’s my father.” I felt very sad for her in that moment and yet I could totally relate.

If we grow up in a family where people treat us badly (especially one or more of our parents), we learn, on some level, that we deserve such treatment. This woman had resigned herself to a life filled with people treating her like dirt and felt there was nothing she could do to change it.

But the good news is that she was seeing me (I believe) because on another level, she knew this wasn’t acceptable and wanted to learn tools to protect herself from her abusive father and others like him. She also knew, deep down, she deserved better. When I worded it this way, she agreed with me and we were able to start brainstorming ideas for how to protect herself in future from abuse, as well as how to attract kinder, gentler people who made her feel good about herself into her life.

What I say in my book, “Dump That Chump” (www.dumpthatchump.com) is applicable here: “what you expect is what you get.” If you expect to be treated badly, guess what? You WILL be treated badly. However, if you treat yourself as the fabulous goddess you are, and expect only the best, guess what? Other people will treat you like that, too!

I must say again this is much easier said than done. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. It takes two things: time and practice. The more you refuse to be a victim, the more seriously people will take you and your boundaries. You don’t even have to believe you are a fabulous goddess (although I already know you are); you just have to act as if and the rest will fall into place.

The first step in not being a victim is to realize you don’t have to be one and that you deserve to be treated well. To help you in this vein, I’d like to end by sharing with you something I used in my work with abused women when I ran groups for social service agencies. I’m not sure of the origin and I apologize for this. I did not write it and bless the person who did. Feel free to post it somewhere where you will be reminded daily of it’s contents:

MY PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

I have the right to make my own choices.
I have the right to follow my own values and standards, as long as I am not abusive towards others.
I have a right to dignity and respect.
I have a right to all of my feelings.
I have the right to express myself as long as
I am not abusive toward others.
I have a right to determine and honor my own priorities.
I have a right to recognize and accept my own value system as appropriate.
I have a right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
I have the right to say no when I feel I am not ready, unsafe, or if it violates my values
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
I have the right not to be responsible for others behavior, actions, feelings or problems.
I have a right to be uniquely me, without feeling I’m not good enough.
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings and judgment for any reason.
I have the right to change my mind at any time.
I have the right to my personal space and time needs.
I have the right to be flexible and be comfortable with doing so.
I have the right to be in a safe, non-abusive environment.
I have the right to forgive others and forgive myself.
I have the right to give and receive unconditional love.
I have the right to enjoy being sexual and celebrate my sexuality.
I have the right to my own spiritual beliefs and to celebrate them.
I have the right to grieve when I don’t get what I need.
I have the right to grieve when I get something I didn’t need or want.
I have the right to joyfully receive without feeling guilty.
I have the right to healthy relationships of my choice.
I have the right to be angry with someone I love.
I have the right to be, and can be, healthier than those around me.
I have the right to trust others who earn my trust.
I have the right to terminate conversations for any reason.
I have a right to expect honesty from others.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to follow my own path.
I have the right to be happy.

Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counselor, is the author of “Dump That Chump: A Ten-Step Plan for Ending Bad Relationships and Attracting the Fabulous Partner You Deserve” (www.dumpthatchump.com), and “What Your Mama Can’t or Won’t Teach You: Grown Women’s Stories of Their Teen Years” (www.guidebooktowomanhood.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women’s Community Counselor, to uplift and inspire women at: www.estherkane.com.