Being a Woman: “On My Own”

It’s amazing how many strong, independent women have a fear of being on their own. Author and psychotherapist Florence Falk has written about this very topic in “On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone.”

After conducting a therapy session with a gal who broke up with a boyfriend after a four-year relationship and felt terrified to be alone, Falk realized many women, including herself after a divorce, are hesitant to surrender to a life on their own, and thus the book was written.

This book does not read as preachy, fluffy or self-help. It is a positive read — because statistics show at some point the average gal will find herself alone, whether divorced, widowed, single etc. — and this book in some ways celebrates this. There is no “tough love,” it is not done in a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” kind of way. These are inspiring, intimate stories of women discovering the beauty of being alone — not being lonely. In places it reads as a novel.

The book opens with the story of Lisa, who finds herself in a situation many of us have been in. The boyfriend moves out, and does so with ease. Lisa finds herself listening to the silence around her, wondering how she should — and whether she can — survive alone.

Addressed in a straightforward manner, but also with grace, Falk explores with us the stories of the women and how we relate. Have we suddenly found ourselves alone like Lisa in the first story? Are we staying in relationships that don’t work rather than go be on our own? The author stresses that accepting aloneness doesn’t mean to always be “alone.” On the contrary, she notes, it sets us on the path to be ready to embrace intimacy.

Here is an excerpt from chapter seven: In every woman, there is a place of fear, no matter how courageous we may be, or how many times we step out. Photojournalist Paula Allen travels all over the world documenting the stories of courageous women whose struggles against violence and oppression would otherwise remain invisible, like those in a safe house in Kenya where young women have escaped female genital mutilation; or in a Kosovo village in which only women and children survived the war; or in Asia, where “comfort women” spoke about their enforced sexual slavery by the Japanese military during World War II; or in Calama, in northern Chile, where female villagers have spent more than twenty years combing the vast Atacame Desert …

Often traveling alone through extremely dangerous and violence prone settings, Paula was not prepared for the fear she felt spending “recovery time” alone in her Adirondack cabin.

Toward dusk on the third night she was there, the skies became overcast. Soon the moon disappeared, leaving a wake of darkness. Paula began to feel the creeping stealth of fear, and, as the night deepened, unadulterated terror. “I went to bed surrounded by every kind of thought — not the kind of dark fantasies where you tell yourself to stop and they melt away — there were more about the immediacy of drunk or crazy men coming to attack me because they knew I was alone.” …

… for Paula, who travels into the world’s danger zones, has become aware of the irony of her own untold story — or rather, the story that belongs to her and to all women: freedom includes fear. It is there because we carry it in our collective unconscious, because its spell weaves into the immediacy of our daily lives, and because it is a concrete experience in most of our lives … (end excerpt)

With modern-day examples of gals from ABC’s “The Bachelor” (you know those girls who don’t get a rose and think they are defective …) to asking questions for us to explore into our pasts (mother, father, family issues) to those women who have to confront cheating spouses to examples from other books on the shelves, “On My Own” is a power guide.

Falk quotes writer Maria Housden who said, “I have spent a lifetime trying to ‘get better,’ ‘be nicer,’ mooring myself to my relationships with other people … No longer immersed in a never-ending process of self-improvement, my energy is now poured into the life I want to live.”

And this book meets us on the journey of living how we want to live. It explores aloneness, but not helplessness or hopelessness; there is no anti-man or anti-partner … this is a book of empowerment to live a rich life and to follow the path you’re on with strength and resiliency. Because when you find yourself harnessing the power of solitude, relationships become that much more encompassing. It’s an uplifting read.

“On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone” was originally published and released March 2008. Now available in paperback; 304 pages. www.florencefalk.com

Getting Down with Uptown Liz: Ramona Russell

Something remarkable about this issue’s mover shaker, Ramona Russell, is, if asked, she’d probably attribute the title of such to her sister, Elizabeth Overturf, who passed away at the age of 28 from breast cancer.

“She was so bright … her IQ was at genius level,” Ramona emphatically explains about her sister Liz. “She was so book smart; I swear she would literally answer every question on ‘Jeopardy.’

“And, she was a gourmet cook – by taste. She loved Rachael Ray, The Food Network. She was a fashionista. And she was funny,” Ramona continued. The enthusiasm from Ramona about her sister is engaging, warm, full of life and a bit sad all at the same time.

Liz found a lump in her breast at the young age of 23 and a doctor told her not to worry about it … she was “too young.” But by the age 26, she could no longer walk or get up. A bone scan revealed she had cancer everywhere.

“She died at age 28,” Ramona said. “She was in excruciating pain; her bones were shattering every day.”

Even with the history of the lump, she was still given three different diagnoses by doctors due to the amount of cancer spread throughout her body until she was finally diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, a terminal diagnosis.

While Liz was alive, she had hopes and dreams, much like the rest of us. Ramona wanted to somehow keep a dream or two alive in her sister’s memory. Liz loved to shop; again, much like the rest of us! And her dream was to open a boutique of her own, so Ramona tried to figure out a way to do this for her sister. But the cool thing is, Ramona also wanted to give back to nonprofits and the funding of research for various ailments. And, in her sister’s memory, the shopping Web site “Uptown Liz” was born, a site where consumers shop and nonprofits benefit.

Ramona does all of this for her sister. She and her husband, a Web developer, stayed up night after night to create the site; Ramona Googled products that donate proceeds to organizations (now, companies of such come knocking at her door), and, on Liz’s 30th birthday, July 17, 2007, the “boutique” was officially launched.

“I wanted to show these beautiful, quality products that donate to charity,” Ramona explained as the reasoning behind the choices of merchandise. “I wanted to help the community, make a difference without breaking the bank … and to do it by shopping.”

In talking with Ramona, it becomes slowly apparent it really is out of love, without a current financial motive, but to clarify, we just outright ask her: “So you’re not making any percentage off of anything?”

“No,” she said, as she reiterated her goal of making a difference and honoring her sister. “Maybe down the road, or on advertising space or something, but for right now, it isn’t about that,” Ramona said, with her enthusiasm coming through time and time again. “I do want for this to be my career, so the site does need to make money. But my number one concern is not the money. I could easily be charging the retailers to be listed, but I’m taking my time. I want the site to become very popular and show a true value to everyone before I do that. It would be easy to be greedy, but I’m following my gut on this.

“But this is harder than I thought,” she said of the emotion involved behind putting a site together in her sister’s memory. “I’m a Type-A personality … an ‘everyone out of my way’ personality. So in the beginning, I was task-oriented and got through [the launch].”

But once it was launched: “I get these beautiful e-mails and I find myself crying at my desk as I sit reading these … I didn’t expect that,” she said of the chord it struck within her, catching the Type-A side of hers so off guard.

“This site was done with so much love,” Ramona said. “It is all of her [Liz's] favorite colors; it was completely designed with her in mind. It is my gift to her and I think she would really like it.”

Ramona developed this site “to build a bridge between compassionate consumers and concerned companies …” as indicated on the bio of the site. Shoppers can pick their purchases one of two ways — searches are available by cause or by product. Items include accessories, food, toddler items, sleepwear and much more, and they benefit Alzheimer’s, animal cruelty, performing arts, world hunger, to name just a few. And, of course, there are products benefiting breast cancer research.

“My sister is the face of breast cancer,” Ramona said. “She found a lump and was told she was too young … no matter what a doctor tells you, keep going until you find answers … seek second opinions … women need to take care of themselves.”

Liz may be the face of breast cancer but she is also the face of Uptown Liz, and she is still a huge part of her sister’s life.

Forbes Names the Women

As many of us have heard, Forbes came out with their list of the 100 Most Powerful Women. And, of course, many of us also heard about Oprah making the list at number 21 and Hillary Clinton at number 25.

We also recognize other names, too: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the only female on the U.S. Supreme Court, holds the number 20 spot; Margaret Whitman, CEO and president of eBay comes in at number 22; Queen Elizabeth II takes the 23rd spot; and Melinda Gates hits at number 25.

But who are some of the other women, whose names most of us don’t recognize, making up the rest of the list? Many are in government; some are running major corporations …

At the top of the list, for the second year in a row, is Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany. Merkel holds a doctorate in physics and is also the youngest person to hold the position of Chancellor since WWII. Besides being referred to as a “strong woman,” throughout her career, Merkel is also the third woman to serve on the G8 (Margaret Thatcher and Kim Campbell were the first two) and the second woman to chair, when she did so in 2007, among other accomplishments, of course.

Coming in at spot number two is Wu Yi, vice premier of China, who faces the challenge of improving the country’s social, legal and economic infrastructures when China is in a position to become the world’s third largest economy.

Rounding out the top three is Ho Ching, Chief executive of Temasek Holdings, her country’s state-owned investment company in Singapore. She is also the wife of the prime minister, yet ironically rarely makes appearances. But it is her decision-making garnering attention; she is credited with raising the net value of Temasek’s portfolio from $80 billion the previous year to $108 billion.

Yes, of course, we recognize the name Condoleezza Rice, Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs; but it is worth noting she holds the number four position on the list this year. Rice deals with problems in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan and North Korea, with what most say, grace and class. And despite being part of the low-ranking Bush administration, appears to consistently rank as well favored.

The number ten spot goes to Patricia Russo, the CEO of Alcatel-Lucent. After turning around Lucent in 2004 so the company saw black ink instead of red, she is now leading the merger of Lucent with Alcatel (a telecom equipment company), which came together in a $10.7 billion deal in 2006.

Mary Sammons, Chair(gal), CEO and president of Rite Aid, is at the number 15 position this year (she was in the top spot in 2003). Even with the “drop” in ranking, she still has her hands full with an expected purchase of Eckerd and Brooks chain for $3.4 billion this year.

New Zealand’s prime minister since 1999, Helen Clark, is in at number 38. Especially noteworthy of her goals is her desire to bring her country to be the first completely sustainable nation by looking to lower greenhouse gas emissions and increase sustainability.

And in the “middle” of all these women is Tarja Halonen, president of Finland, at spot number 50. Perhaps “best known” to the U.S. public for the Conan O’Brien bits on his show (due to their resemblance in appearance), this leader is a pacifist who brings attention to human rights issues. Incidentally, her cabinet is comprised of the most females in one spot within government; 12 of the 20 ministers in Finland’s cabinet are women.

Other recognizable names in next list of 50 include Meredith Vieira of the “Today” show at #55; Ann Moore, chairman and CEO of Time, Inc. at #57; First Lady Laura Bush in at #60; news anchor Diane Sawyer at #62; news anchor Katie Couric at #63; CNN correspondent Christiane Amanpour at #74; President of Disney Anne Sweeney in at #77.

Sharon Allen, Chair(gal) of Deloitte & Touche, makes the list at number 64. When she took the position as head of the board she was the highest-ranking woman in the history of the company. Wearing many hats within the world of business, she is also a member of the Women’s Leadership Board at the John F. Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University.

Over at Ernst & Young, Beth Brooke is helping run the show in her position of global vice chair(gal); she takes the number 70 spot on Forbes’ list. Starting her career in the Indianapolis area, she was first woman within the Indiana office. She sits on other various nonprofit boards, including the White House Project and the National Women’s Leadership Hall of Fame Advisory Council.

At the even 100 spot, last but not least, is Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, president of Liberia. As the first female president of an African nation, she is making a difference within a country plagued by years of civil war.

Visit Forbes for the entire list and to read about more fascinating women.

*Source: Forbes; biographies paraphrased

Valerie Grubb: Operations Full Speed Ahead

The James Brown song, “It’s a Man’s World,” has those wonderful lyrics: “This is a man’s world, this is a man’s world; But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl.” This can be easily flipped to include Valerie Grubb, one of the few gals in the predominately male dominated field of facilities and maintenance.

Even more impressive, she holds the position of vice president within the field; meaning she has gained the respect of those around her to move into management. And in meeting with Val, she’s personable, funny and very, very intelligent.

“Know yourself, know what you like and what you’re good at,” she said as we talk about what makes someone successful. She knew early on her niche was operations. Today, she holds the vice president of operations position for Oxygen Media, handling a wide breadth of responsibilities, including human resources, facilities, security, all building operations, travel, real estate, event logistics; and, as she put it, “anything back office, except IT and Engineering.”

At an early age, while earning her undergraduate degree in mechanical engineering with General Motors Institute in Michigan, she worked with Allison Engine Company (aircraft engines), a division of Rolls-Royce, where she did everything from test engineer to construction manager to director of marketing.

“At one point I was the only female in the maintenance department,” she said of the division where she supervised a 54-man union crew. “But I don’t know if I had to prove myself any more than a man,” she explained, saying it was more about proving she knew what she was doing in spite of an age difference. “The closest in age was a man 15 to 18 years my senior; they would have had a hard time with anyone my age.” They just wanted to ensure she knew what she was doing and she respected her team, which she did.

She attributes her success, throughout her career, to having respect and maintaining communication with her peers, as well as those who report to her. “My job is to make your job easier,” Val explained of her philosophy. “Somebody has to have faith their manager will help them. And if someone has an opportunity to move ahead or in a different direction, it is my job to help them, not stand in their way.”

At the age of 29, after working for more than ten years with General Motors, she decided it was “now or never” to follow her dream of working within the world of the entertainment business. “I loved going to the movies; to me the movies are magic,” Val said. (When she quit, the company didn’t want to lose her, so they told her instead to consider it a “one year leave of absence.”)

When she hit Los Angeles, she realized making the movies is not the same magic as watching them. But she did love the world of entertainment. And she came full circle: she knew operations was her niche, so she just had to figure out how to do this within the land of showbiz.

Val landed the job of director of operations at USA Networks (now Interactive Corp), reporting to Barry Diller, the media mogul turned mega merchant who headed up USA’s home-shopping conglomerates QVC and HSN, with a few others thrown in, such as Ticketmaster, Citysearch, and more.

“I love the startup environment,” she said of first taking positions with both USA and at her current Oxygen. “I like less of the maintenance, more of the challenge. I like taking ideas, figuring them out and how to make them happen. I like problem solving.”

She was the only female executive within the USA parent organization. But after three years, and at the top of her game, she found there was no room for growth. She went on to be hired as a consultant to Oxygen, and now finds herself there after eight years, as they hired her on full time. “It’s a very creative, participatory environment,” she said of Oxygen.

Val shared several pieces of advice for finding what you’re good at and how to be successful within your career. She said the first is to really take some time to figure out what you want to do. Ask yourself: “What makes me happy?” She also noted one should be up for new tasks and never stop learning. “It goes back to what I said before, know yourself and what you’re good at,” she explained. “And don’t beat yourself up over failure, sometimes things are out of your control.” And don’t be afraid to say you don’t know the answer “right now”; you either hire people who do know the answer or you follow-through and find it.

She also shared to make sure you keep yourself, as a woman, financially secure. “Having money allows you to do more, be independent and take care of yourself,” Val said.

Oh — and last — she said to have fun in life! In addition to being an avid traveler (she’s traveled four continents, with her goal being all seven), Val noted her passion for cooking (she was once a contestant on TLC’s “Dinner Takes All” reality show). She loves throwing themed dinner parties for her friends. “I just bought my first ‘real’ painting so I’m throwing a ‘Fifth Avenue’ party,” Val said with a laugh. “Top hats, tiaras, butler service; you’d think it was an unveiling of a Picasso $100 million painting.” She also has thrown a Chinese New Year party, an aphrodisiac party (foods you’d eat in bed, without utensils) ….

So in addition to being personable, funny and very, very smart, it seems Valerie Grubb is also one who loves to take on challenge, but also has a wonderful sense of fun and friends, too.

Hannah Grossman, M.D. Reaches Her Goal

At age twelve, she knew she wanted to be a doctor. “I figured out [at that age] it was a great career and a way to help people, use my brain and be the ultimate caregiver,” Hannah Grossman, M.D. said. So she set off to achieve just that!

Born in Limerick, Ireland she and her family migrated to Louisiana when she was four years old. “I remember sleeping on a trunk in La Guardia,” Hannah said. “I have the same trunk now in my home as a coffee table.” She and her brothers also remember being given gum (to relieve ear pressure). “We’d never seen gum before … we must have eaten fifty pieces.” Her mother, she said, probably remembers thinking she landed in “hell” — a reference to the heat of their new home. “We arrived in our tweed coats to 95 degree weather and 100 percent humidity.”

At the time, Louisiana was the destination-to-be because of an uncle who was a priest assigned to the Shreveport area. He sponsored the family. “Most of my family is still in Ireland; they’ve run a dairy farm for hundreds of years,” Hannah said. She told a story of taking her four children to Ireland to meet the family and at first it appeared there was little in common. But after a little bit of time, everyone found they had more similar interests than could have been imagined. “Then, one of the cousins pulled up in a Beemer, with a Starbucks coffee cup, and we realized everyone really does have more in common than we think,” Hannah said.

Once this now practicing Ob-gyn discovered medicine was the career to follow, she had to figure out how to achieve her dream. “I knew I wanted undergrad at UCLA and USC for medical school,” she explained. But there she was living in mid-America. Fortunately, her sister was married and had moved to California — “I was thinking ‘she won’t mind’ if I could move out there and live with her,” Hannah said.

And her sister didn’t mind. So, off Hannah went during her sophomore year in high school. She left her parents to ensure she could establish residency. “It was difficult,” she said, but she was determined. “I was an old soul, so my parents knew I was trustworthy,” Hannah explained.

She was attended a UCLA program during her senior year in high school, which rolled into acceptance at the university. At the end of her last year of high school, her sister and her husband moved for employment reasons, and Hannah truly was on her own. The key message, she says? “You can do it. Say to yourself that you will do it by hook or by crook — and you have to have faith it will work out.” She noted many people are kind along the way, as well.

“Chase your dreams, even if it’s costly,” she said, also referring to the loans it took to put herself through school, even with receiving Regent and other scholarships along the way. “I saw students whose parents were writing checks and there were times I thought it would be great,” she said. “But it does force you to take care of yourself.” And she went on to say, “What’s the alternative? You need to believe in yourself and it will happen. Be savvy — loans, scholarships — but you have to pursue; don’t give up before you get started. Stay with it and believe you can do it.”

Hannah met her husband in medical school and they completed residency together. The couple has four children of their own. “Successful people have support in their personal lives, it’s important to feel like you have a partner who shares in your hopes and dreams,” she said of choosing the right mate and living a life fulfilling dreams. The two are avid travelers. They both chose to pursue the Ob-gyn field and now run a family practice together.

Hannah said she chose the field because she said the female patients were always glad to see a female doctor. “The male patients were always a little unsure — the women were always delighted to have you — it was a no-brainer,” she explained. “And it really is about the relationship with the patients,” she said. “You follow people long-term, watching kids grow up,” she said of the practice.

As the chat with Hannah comes to a close and she once again stresses the importance of following dreams and the joy in fulfilling her own, she mentions she is currently at the hospital while talking and she’s “waiting for someone to push” … Well, she said with a laugh, “A women’s work is never done.”

Rebecca Grossman On The Go

Several years ago, in 2001, nine-year-old Zubaida Hasan was lighting the stove in her family’s kitchen in Afghanistan when something went awry with the kerosene being used, and there was an explosion. She was burned so severely that her face just melted. Without proper medical care, scar tissue formed and the damage of the untreated burns became even more severe.

The doctors who treated the young girl told her father that there was little hope for Zubaida’s survival. But the man wouldn’t give up and took his young daughter to the U.S. Army bases to get help. Only the military was told not to get involved in individual cases. But there was an officer who did get involved and he got word to the State Department about the tragedy of this young girl’s disfigurement.

Fast-forward to today and Zubaida is a “typical” teenager who has undergone several surgeries and is making a full recovery. Now living back in Afghanistan with her family of eight brothers and sisters, she still visits the U.S. to stay with Rebecca and Dr. Peter Grossman — the family that helped save her.

“I have an older brother, Michael, based out of the central command post in Florida who got word of a young girl horrifically disfigured from a burn injury in Afghanistan,” Rebecca Grossman explained. “The pictures ended up coming to my husband [a plastic and reconstructive surgeon at The Grossman Burn Center in Sherman Oaks, California] and we started calling the Children’s Burn Foundation to set up funding.”

The Children’s Burn Foundation is a Southern California-based charitable organization that lends financial and social assistance to burn-injured children. Visas were arranged, funding started to come through, and Zubaida and her father were off to the United States for treatment. Her father was given a two-week visa; Zubaida came for more than one year. Staying with another Afghan family, Peter Grossman did the first couple of surgeries. But it was a lot of work to take care of Zubaida as a patient, and the Afghan family decided they didn’t want to house and provide care to the young girl any longer. In stepped Rebecca and Peter again. With no children of their own at the time, they arranged for Zubaida to live with them while she received medical care.

The catch? The Afghan family told Zubaida, who did not speak any English at the time, so it couldn’t be refuted, that the Grossmans were making her leave the only home she knew in the U.S., rather than explaining it was more work than they had bargained for. “We already had an angry little girl in a lot of pain,” Rebecca said, “now she was really [mad].
“But I’m from Texas …” Rebecca said with a laugh, implying she could take it. “Even though I’m strict, I knew I would never abandon her.” The Grossmans won her trust; they hired a live-in nanny who spoke Farsi to aid with the communication, put her in school and continued to proceed with the surgeries.

Due to time constraints (with Zubaida away from her family), several years of surgery were condensed into one: she had 13 in one year. She handled it like a trooper and the transformation was remarkable. Rebecca, creator of the business Stop The Clock, knew the soaking emollients, oils, masks, etc. to help the skin heal and replenish.

“When we put her in school, she really started to blossom,” Rebecca said. “I was worried about the children being cruel, but they really embraced her. She is a natural born leader. She had scars, didn’t speak English and she just flourished.”
Zubaida eventually left the Grossmans and went back to her family in the Middle East. Now a teenager, she is back staying with the Grossmans for the summer and Rebecca has a teenager on her hands. “I just sent her back upstairs to take off the makeup and high heels,” Rebecca said. “She could be a teenager anywhere in the world.”

This extension by Rebecca and her husband has created ripples throughout the world. Last year an army sergeant came across a six-year-old boy in Afghanistan with “such a personality.” His father took him to the U.S. base for help and the sergeant didn’t know how to help. So, one day he is lying in his barracks and comes across a two-year-old Reader’s Digest, May 2005, and starts reading a nine-page spread about Zubaida and the Grossmans. (Her story was on Oprah, Good Morning America, and more.) “I don’t believe in coincidences,” Rebecca said. The army officer wrote to the Grossmans, they went to the State Dept. and did the same fundraising for this little boy.

Now, Zubaida is back to help this boy, too. She proudly works to aid others that find themselves in the same situation she once found herself. There is a young woman in Kenya they are also trying to raise funding to help, as well. “Zubaida has a purpose to give back,” Rebecca said. “She is just such a smart little girl; I see her as having the potential to be the first female president of her country.”

While this story focuses a lot of Zubaida, it is often the people behind the scenes that make the dreams come true. People like Rebecca and her husband, who sought to find a way to help this girl, as well as many others. Rebecca now has two children of her own, and continues to welcome back Zubaida into their home and tries to teach her the culture here, without spoiling her, to give her the knowledge to take back to her own country.

Rebecca also raises money for children with autism, animal care and the The Grossman Burn Center. The foundation works to provide healthcare and education on a global scale for burn victims. They work to raise funds for adults especially, since it is “easier” to raise money for children. The American Heart Association is honoring Rebecca on May 17 for her nonprofit work in aiding others.

Rebecca has a goal of never more than two hours away from her children … and still manages to get it all done. “I’m very solution oriented,” she said. “‘No’ is not in my vocabulary. Don’t tell me ‘no,’ just tell me how else to get it done.”
She said her biggest motto is that everyone should join forces and, in a phrase she took from another doctor, “cross pollinate.” The success happens, she said, when everyone comes together. “Everyone competes. I find it frustrating. We should all pull together for one common goal,” Rebecca said. “Who cares who does it; let’s just get it done.”

Additional links:
Read more about Zubaida at zubaidatinydancer.com; The Grossman Burn Center at grossmanburncenter.com. A book was written about Zubaida’s journey: “Tiny Dancer”, available at The Savvy Gal Store.