Venus Nicolino holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Her column addresses Love, Life and Relationships
Dear Dr. V,
I’m so overwhelmed! I’ve been watching my son (through the observation window) at preschool and it is so clear to me that preschool does not seem to be “a boy friendly” environment. All the girls seem to be thriving and yet I watch not just my boy, but all the boys begin to fade into the background as the female teacher chooses yet, another story, appealing to young girls.
There is nothing that would appeal to boys from the names of the rooms (all flowers), having to sit for longer than any three-year-old could tolerate, to the chosen activities. One time, they were all outside and there was a spider on the fence and all the boys were gathered around observing this beautiful insect. They watched in amazement as this little critter ran up and down the fence! The female teacher “eewwed” at the spider and swept him away … the boys, confused, went back to being bored.
I’ve looked around at different preschools and they are all the same: appealing to girls and all female teachers … I feel that my son and other boys are not being intellectually stimulated by what is currently out there. What are your thoughts?
Kelly from the Westside
Dear Kelly,
As a mother of two young boys (one of whom is in preschool) I share your frustration and confusion at watching our sons “fade into the background.” It is not just our own personal perceptions, or an isolated phenomenon. Sadly, it is a well-documented fact that from preschool on through high school, our educational system more and more works against boys.
The situation is the result of a confluence of social and systemic factors within the schools themselves. According to Peg Tyre, the author of “The Trouble with Boys,” there are currently 2.5 million more girls enrolled in college then boys. And if our shared observations are any indication, immediate action is needed from both parents and educators to correct this unfortunate trend. Luckily, many experts in the fields of child psychology and education have recognized this as one of the most pressing issues in our educational system. Awareness is being raised and changes are being implemented. Which is what makes your role, as the mother of a boy in preschool, so vital and exciting at this moment. You can be a spearhead in the movement to save our sons.
I imagine many parents would believe, at first, that a school with a rigorous, intense academic program beginning at the earliest age possible would be beneficial to students. The perception being there will be time enough for monkey bars, games of make-believe and dirty knees later; a more effective use of a child’s school day would be sitting still and quiet, absorbing lessons from the teacher. While this might be applicable for a twelve-year-old who needs to master a particular concept before running out to play basketball, the same cannot be said for his younger counterparts.
Preschool age children need to play. Through the action of play, little ones learn volumes in ways that our adult minds have long forgotten how to perceive.
An academic paper written by David Berliner and Ursula Cassanova entitled “Play is the Work of Childhood” states that “in pretend play, children acted more mature, played together more, and were more social than in non-pretend settings.” And in his article “Preschool and Boys,” Dr, Leonard Sax, PhD, tells us that what may be the ideal learning environment for an adult; someplace quiet and free from distractions, might be the polar opposite of what a three-year-old needs to learn; somewhere lively and noisy, with lots to see and do. A place the layman might term: fun. In our culture’s myopic obsession with quantifying the learning process through numerical benchmarks and standardized testing (not to mention the status-symbol quality of some of the more exclusive pre-schools), we may have begun forcing the dullness adulthood on our toddlers. To me, that is at best a failing strategy, and at worst cruel.
For instance, if you heard that a child was reading in kindergarten, you might be impressed and want the same for your son. However, while it is certainly possible, and in some individual cases even appropriate, to begin working on reading skills that early in the game, by in large it is premature, especially for boys. The reason being, boys learn differently than girls at this point. In his article, Dr. Sax uses a wonderful example of a boy who splashes after a tadpole in a pond having a better chance of developing an interest in the more scientific aspects of tadpoles and frogs than a child who simply sees a picture in a book. Little boys learn by moving and doing, not sitting still. But since we are pushing literacy on our boys in the wrong fashion, too often their initial difficulties mislead them into thinking they are “no good” at reading, and by extension, academics. You can imagine the unfortunate domino effect this would cause in a young boy’s academic life in the years to come.
There is another factor working against boys, the demographic make-up of the teaching profession. By in large, most preschool teachers are women. As such, very often their curriculums and teaching styles lean towards favoring more feminine perceptions and interests, such as when you witnessed your son’s teacher essentially dismiss the spider as “icky.” She probably didn’t realize it, as she was simply reacting as many adults would to a spider, but she effectively discounted her students’ fascination with an aspect of nature as trivial and inappropriate.
While we can’t force more men into the profession, or expect adult women to think like five-year-old boys, what you can do as a proactive parent is communicate your concerns and work with the educators and administrators at your son’s school to create a “boy friendly” curriculum (I’m planning on doing the same for my son). As I often suggest to people about to address potentially hot-button issues in a face-to-face interaction, do your best to approach the discussion from a place of emotional neutrality, even empathy. After all, I’m sure the teachers and staff at your son’s school often feel the pressure to “deliver the goods” for demanding parents. If you approach the conversation as a person who wants to better not just your son’s education, but the school as a whole, you may be surprised at the open reception you get, and how willing the teachers and staff are to work with you. After all, science is on your side! Do a little homework and arm yourself with the hard data. You may even find yourself inspired to write up your own program to present to the principal. The PBS site www.pbs.org/parents/raisingboys/index.html is a great place to start with many great articles and suggested further reading.
It is truly awful to feel helpless when we feel our children are in trouble, especially in your case when you are literally standing by and watching. I imagine this feeling of powerlessness was a large part of what made you feel overwhelmed. I hope you can find solace in the fact that you are not alone in what you have seen, and more importantly you are not powerless. Quite the opposite, once you have internalized and utilized the information and strategies we’ve discussed, you will be empowered to go forth and improve your son’s educational experience. You may even improve the educational experience of little boys who have yet to walk through the classroom door.
With Empathy,
Dr. V
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