Dear Dr. V,
My wife works in an office and has to dress up very nice; she wears all the things I love. The problem is when she comes home and I am very turned on by her in her outfits and want to make love to her while she’s in her nylons, heels and skirt.
But she gets mad and says that I’m “sick.” My question is how can I get her to maybe wear these some time for me without an argument happening and without her thinking I’m weird or sick?
Kevin from NYC
My hat’s off to you for even broaching this topic with your wife. Communicating specific wants and needs in the bedroom to your partner can be intimidating and even embarrassing for many people. Too often couples neglect to be open with each other regarding intimacy, resulting in mutual frustration, boredom and dissatisfaction. This often spills over into other parts of the relationship. A healthy, loving relationship is like an organic entity; if any one part of it is neglected or not working right, the relationship as a whole suffers. Allowing your sex life to stagnate could end up being quite detrimental to your marriage. What you have asked is a very important question.
I think there may be a two-fold reason why your wife has been less than receptive to your request. First, you are asking to make love to her in her work clothes. Perhaps what bothers her isn’t that you specifically are turned on by the way she looks in office attire, but that for her, that attire symbolizes her job. Unfortunately, by in large the American workplace is still very much a boy’s club. Sexual harassment and discrimination are still quite rampant. Ludicrous as it may seem nearly ten years into the twenty-first century, women have yet to achieve a true equal playing field in the professional world. As such, your wife may feel she needs to keep her sexuality completely separate from her place of employment in order to be taken seriously. For her, the clothes she wears to work symbolize this professional, asexual version of herself that I assume she wants to leave at the office. So your request may make her question if she dresses “too sexy” for work, if other men in her office leer at her, do they really think of her as a professional at her job, etc.
Also, your wife might be a little put off by being rendered into a semi-passive, inactive role in this fantasy, in that she’s wearing what you want her to wear, what you think makes her look sexy. She may feel the exact opposite about the skirts, heels and nylons. In fact she may not want to feel sexy at all in these clothes, as it could affect the way she carries herself at her job, even to the point of threatening her self-confidence at work. There’s also the possibility that she would not want to wear things she’s made love to her husband in back into the office.
Ultimately, keeping communication between the two of you clear and honest is what will resolve this issue. When you next speak with your wife about this, try to remain empathic to how it may seem a little odd to her that you find her work attire attractive, when her goal in that area of her life is to seem as professional as possible. She may be a bit puzzled or even hurt that it’s not the clothes she wears when you two go out for the evening that turn you on. I don’t really think she thinks you’re “sick” or “weird”, but I do think she may be having a little difficulty understanding this particular fixation.
A possible solution for you two might be to pick out a separate, special wardrobe together. This way there can be sanctioned “romantic office” clothing that she won’t wear to work and therefore won’t carry all that professional baggage on it. Talk to her about this and see if she’s open to the idea. If so, you could treat her to a day of shopping where you help her pick out things you can both agree on. Follow it up with dinner at a nicer-than-usual restaurant and you could have a a very romantic evening. More importantly, the two of you would be spending a lot of enjoyable time together, which from my experience is one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs for a couple.
In the same way you find something erotic in what your wife finds commonplace, you might want to turn the tables and ask her if there’s some particular outfit or style of yours that she finds arousing. Maybe your two tastes would work well together and complement each other. If, when all is said and done, both of you are firing on all cylinders for each other it could be a very good thing.
Needless to say, if after discussing it your wife still simply does not like the idea, then you need to accept her feelings on the subject. This does not mean the two of you can’t continue to explore and try to find something special to bring added excitement and passion to your intimate moments.
Fantasy, dress-up and role-play can work wonders to keep things exciting for a couple. It’s not just important that both parties are consenting (of course), but also that both partners find the situation mutually pleasurable, and aren’t just trying to humor each other. So long as you two stay honest, open and empathic to each other, the rest will follow.
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