Do's and Don'ts of Communicating in Online Dating
By Susan Johnston
Thursday, January 3, 2008 7:28 AM PST
Admit it -- if you're single, you've clicked around an online dating site. Or if not, you're at least a little curious. And you're not alone, because 74 percent of single Internet users in America say they have tried some form of online dating. Some, like Gail Norris, found love online.
Gail answered a Yahoo! Personals ad on a whim back in March of 1999. "He responded the following day and we exchanged e-mails all that week," she recalled. "The following Saturday we opted to get together to go biking ... We hit it off almost immediately and began hanging out as friends. Within a few months we both realized we were falling for each other." Now the pair are married with twins!
Unfortunately, not all online dating stories have such a happy ending. Terri Rimer has tried a few sites like Yahoo! Personals and
DateMyPet.com and said she met "a guy from Boston told me he was single and he lied. Another guy stood me up. And another one was divorced with four kids and decided to go back to his wife." Yikes!
If you're a first-time online dater, here are a few tips to help you navigate the world of internet dating.
Do shop around for the right site for you. The features and fee structures of each site vary, so look at a few before you pull out your Visa card. Many sites, like
Match.com and Yahoo! Personals allow you to sign up for a free trial before you commit to a paid membership. Others, like
OKCupid.com and
IntellectConnect.com, let you use all of their features for free. More niche dating sites are popping up all the time, so if you have specific criteria for your match, you might try one of those instead of the bigger, general interest sites. For instance,
JDate.com matches up Jewish singles,
SingleBookLovers.com covers the literary community, and
Deafs.com works with deaf singles. These generally have a smaller, but more targeted pool of singles.
Don't get overwhelmed by too many options. Information overload is a common problem for new users, so set a time limit for your surfing sessions and stick to it (an hour is plenty). Some people sign up for multiple sites to increase their chances of finding the right person, but you might want to try one site at a time so you can focus. Know that you'll see some of the same people on Match.com, LavaLife.com, and eHarmony.com, so you're not really missing out by sticking to one site.
Do include a few juicy details to attract like-minded dates and make them want to learn more. Mentioning your interest in rock climbing or sushi-making will intrigue adventurous daters, while referencing a favorite author or playwright could appeal to more literary types. Using specifics in your profiles sets you apart from others who simply list their interests as "watching movies and working out" (after all, that could be true of most people). Gail and her husband connected because they were into bike riding. Interesting details give the reader a clearer sense of where you are and whether you might be compatible, but you don't need to spell out everything in your profile. Save discussions about income, past relationships, and other specifics for a later date (preferably face-to-face) to maintain a bit of mystery and protect your privacy.
Don't reveal your life story or personal details like your home or work address. As Terri's experiences prove, you never know who's really reading your profile, so you should be careful about how much information you divulge early on. Most dating sites protect their users' privacy by not displaying full names or email addresses. As the conversation progresses, you might consider creating a special email account so that potential dates can contact you without learning your full name or work email (for instance, "Yogagirl78@domain.com" instead of "CindySmith@yourcompany.com"). Then you can progress to a phone chat, when you can get a better sense of their personality and decide on a time and place for your first date.
Do meet in a public place like a restaurant, coffee shop, or well-lit park. Many daters find that meeting for coffee or a low-key activity during the day is less pressure than the traditional dinner and a movie date (plus, it's safer to meet in the daylight in case things go awry). Let a friend or roommate know where you're going and make plans for after the date so you'll be able to end it without awkwardness. Gail said she "already had dinner plans with friends, so if it had gone badly, there was no pressure to follow up ... with a drink or dinner or anything."
Don't blow anyone off (it's just plain rude). Everyone gets first date jitters, but give your date a chance and let them know if you have a legitimate excuse for not showing up (like a medical emergency or a last-minute deadline at work). Sites like TrueDater.com allow people to post reviews about other daters, so you don't want to get an online reputation for being a flake. You've already taken the time and effort to create a profile, so you might as well follow through with a date. Whether or not you meet your match online, you will definitely have some good stories to tell afterwards!
Finding someone special is difficult with or without the use of online dating sites. But if you choose to use them, just be safe and careful. Communicate honestly but not with too many details in the beginning. Most guys will understand, and probably appreciate that you want to take things slowly. Good luck!
