The following is an excerpt from “When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror,” by Carol Leifer. (c) 2009 by Carol Leifer. Reprinted by arrangement with The Random House Publishing Group.
1. Running Water Is Your Friend
Never forget that cologne is for after showering, not instead of showering. And as far as cologne goes, it’s not flea dip, guys. A little drop goes a long way. Believe it or not, you could toss all that manly perfume stuff, anyway — and not just because most guys in cologne commercials look like they have the hots for other guys in cologne commercials. It’s because women like the way you smell.
There’s this little thing nature came up with called pheromones that cologne just gets in the way of. So don’t mess with animal instinct, and let the “natural you” do its wafting — after, of course, a shower.
2. Ponytails
On us? Cute.
On you? Not so cute.
3. Your Back Should Never Be Mistaken For A Throw Rug
If there’s a thicket of brush back there, call the fire department to have it cleared, or take it like a man and have it waxed.
4. Skip The Dumb Questions
If your girlfriend is quiet for a while, never ask her, “What are you thinking?” I guarantee the answer won’t be “How attractive and unannoying you are” or “The Mets are up seven to six.” The same goes for the question “Why aren’t you smiling?” That answer will never be fun.
5. Don’t Trust The Ladies’ Room
When you’re out somewhere and two women go to the bathroom together, they’re definitely talking about you. (Sometimes, I swear, they never even go in the stall, there’s so much to discuss.)
6. Just Put It Out!
A man’s breath after a cigar is akin to the odor of a skunk’s track shoe after running a marathon. Save the stogies for when you’re hanging with your own kind.
7. Don’t Get It From The Radio
Taking advice about women from overweight Hawaiianshirt-wearin’ radio shock jocks will get you where they are … sitting alone by themselves in a very dark room.
8. It’s A Numbers Game
If you ask a woman for her phone number but she asks for yours instead, she’s not interested in you. In fact, she’s more likely to call that 800 number promising a six- figure income buying homes in foreclosure.
9. Pull It Out
When the check comes on a first date, if a woman takes out her wallet, it’s purely for show. She has no intention of paying, nor should you let her. I know it’s not fair, but in exchange you get to run the world.
10. Put On Your Walking Shoes
Always walk a woman to her car. Even if it’s Gloria Steinem and she declines, walk her to her car. Or in Steinem’s case, offer to walk her across the street. (Sorry, Gloria. We’re all getting older.) And always wait until a woman’s car has driven safely away. (Then you can ask an even bigger man than you to walk you to your car.)
11. The Unfriendly Skies
Never take your shoes off on a plane. Please find other ways to show your “relaxed side.”
12. Keep It Shiny
If you’re bald, be bald. Women much prefer “no hair” to “dead squirrel hair.”
(I’m from New York, and the thirteenth bagel is always free when you order a dozen, so here’s an extra added tip.)
13. Stay On Your Side
You never need to ask a woman before going on a date if she would like to drive. She never wants to drive. Even if it’s Danica Patrick, the answer is no.
Carol Leifer, author of “When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror,” is an accomplished stand-up comedian and an Emmy-nominated writer and producer for her work on such television shows as “Seinfeld,” “The Larry Sanders Show,” “Saturday Night Live,” and the “Academy Awards.” She has starred in several of her own comedy specials, which have aired on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central. Her “big break” came when David Letterman unexpectedly showed up one night at the Comic Strip in New York City and caught Carol’s show. His visit led to her making twenty-five guest appearances on “Late Night with David Letterman.” Carol has also been seen on “The Tonight Show,” “Real Time with Bill Maher,” “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” and “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” She starred in and created the WB sitcom “Alright Already.” She lives in Santa Monica with her partner, their son, and their seven rescue dogs.
For more information please visit www.carolleifer.com